Thursday, December 31, 2009

It’s chemistry


Chemistry is mentioned a lot when two people click. “I just knew,” “It was love at first sight,” “We were destined to be together,” “Soul mates” . . .
Beware. While some couples feel an instant and powerful pull to one another (which isn’t always sustainable or prolonged), for most, the response is slower and subtler. An interest. A tingle. A thrill. A desire to get closer. In a word: chemistry. A number of physiological changes take place in your body when you encounter a person who turns you on. Your pupils dilate (you want to see more of them), your heart races, your palms get sweaty. You feel energized, like you could stay up all night. And you probably could — that’s what the expression “turned on” really means. Physically, your body is totally awake, alert, and raring to go — basic biochemistry 101. Hormones turn you on — lust in its most basic, uncomplicated, thrilling form. Your body is saying, “Let’s party.”
Unfortunately, as convenient as it would sometimes be to be able to bottle it, chemistry is either there, or it’s not — and it’s impossible to fake.

Tuition for Dating 101


If your date goes down the drain, give yourself a break. It happens. Life is a curve ball, an off-speed pitch, a fast ball low and inside. Even Ted Williams struck out more often than he hit a home run. It may feel lousy right now, but remind yourself, once again, it’s only one date. You’ll have tons more nights on which you can strut your stuff. Use the experience to learn something so it won’t happen again. An autopsy is a great idea. The date died — figure out why. Answering the following questions in your dating notebook can help you figure out what went wrong. Answer these questions as soon as you can after the date ends, when your impressions are still fresh. By keeping these notes, you can begin to look for patterns in your behavior.
Tomorrow, after a few hours have passed between tonight’s date and the rest of your life, I want you to reread your responses and see if they say anything to you. Don’t pass judgment; don’t look for hidden meaning. Simply read through and see what it says. If you haven’t already. now, give yourself a nonchemical treat (unless it’s chocolate), take a deep breath, prop your feet up, and chill out.
First, at the top of a sheet of notebook paper, write your date’s name, the date (day, month, year) and time of the date, and where you went. Also note when and where you first met. Then on a scale from 1 to 10 (0 = meltdown;
10 = divine), rate the date as a whole.
From there, reflect on the date and answer the following questions. Make sure you’re being really specific here (for example, nice smile when we met, good table manners, well-groomed).
  • What positive stuff happened? In what ways did the date go well?
  • What was icky poo poo? In what ways did the date stink?
  • What were your expectations? (Tip: See if you can make yourself aware of what disappointed you, which will instantly focus on what you expected.)
  • Were your expectations based on how someone acted before?
  • What patterns emerge that you have noticed on previous dates, in the other relationship? Is this déjà vu all over again? Now reflect on your current feelings.
  • How are you feeling right now?
  • What do you want to do? For example, do you want to try again, talk to a friend, join a monastery, reread the whole book, take a vacation from dating?
  • What can you do differently on your next date to offset this problem and change the pattern?
  • Did you feel that your date saw the real you, yes or no? If no, why not?
Answering these questions after every not-so-hot date and/or journaling about your experiences can help you learn from rather than focus on less than successful dates. But please avoid sending a “this is why you shouldn’t have treated me badly” letter to your date, which falls into the whining category I address earlier in this chapter. Every once in a while, in an effort to save face and salvage some remnant of dignity, you may be tempted to contact your date explaining why you deserve better or how the creep hurt your feelings. Resist this urge. You should never put anything into a letter or e-mail that you are not willing to have advertised on the front page of The New York Times. Even something like “have a nice life” can sound sarcastic. I know you may be hurting, but don’t write down your feelings anyplace, except for a diary that no one else will see.

Ending on a Positive Note


Your job, when your date isn’t dazzled by you, is to listen gracefully and nondefensively and smile sweetly and make a swift exit as soon as the coast is clear. No need to prolong a bad date.
One of the biggest pitfalls to a date that feels like it’s heading downhill is the “snowball effect” — you sense something’s wrong, you panic, you clam up, you overreact, and it just makes matters worse. Suddenly, a not-great date is on its way to disasterville. If things are really awful, it makes more sense to call a polite and gentle halt rather than hurt someone’s feelings for hours or waste your time or your date’s time. It really is okay to say, “You don’t seem to be having a good time. Shall we just chalk this up to experience?” Be honest. ’Fess up. Stop the snowball before it becomes an avalanche and buries you both. Ignoring an overwhelming feeling; trying to hide, squash, cover up, or pretend it isn’t there; or wishing it weren’t there isn’t going to change the reality. You’re not responsible for your feelings, just your behavior. If you can gently acknowledge your feelings, you can deal with them. A lousy date isn’t a reason to inflict pain on either of you. It isn’t necessary to hang in there and finish what you started. It’s okay to say, “I think we should call it a night.” It’s also okay to use that universal come-down line almost all daters have heard at least once, “I think we should just be friends.” Not every couple has chemistry. That’s what dates are for — to find out. Hey, chemistry happens, or it doesn’t. It can’t be faked or manufactured. The feeling is out of your hands. If your date says he or she just doesn’t feel any chemistry between the two of you, don’t take it personally, but also don’t assume a few more hours will make a whole lot of difference. While it’s true that a deep love can develop slowly over time, this is a date, not an arranged marriage. Chemistry up-front is helpful on both sides for future promise; it gives you both motivation to explore further — unless it’s so overwhelming that you both ignore every other part of what might be going on between the two of you. Overwhelming initial passion can move you both at the speed of light past things you ought to be assessing slowly and carefully (see Chapter 21 on taking things slow). Don’t worry too much if you’re not turned on as long as you’re not turned off.

Friday, November 27, 2009

No Whining!


If you’ve ever been in a long line on a hot, sweaty day, with a bunch of tired little kids, you probably know what whining is all about. It’s annoying, cloying, tiring, and, most of all, unproductive. Whining never gets you anywhere but on someone’s nerves. Don’t do it. If your date tells you he or she is having a rotten time, suck it up. Yeah, you’re right. It hurts, but no whining. It isn’t the end of the world. All of the following constitute the whine response:
  • “Just my luck.”
  • “My last date dumped me, too.”
  • “Boy, I sure do know how to pick ’em, don’t I?”
  • “This always happens just when I start liking someone.”
If you feel these words — or their ilk — bubbling to the surface, stop immediately, press your lips together and refuse to speak again until you’ve shed that whole sackcloth-and-ashes routine and are ready to respond like the mature person (not victim!) you are. The time to lick your wounds is later, when you’re home running a hot bubble bath, or calling your mom for a hug or a best friend for support or the bakery to see if they have any double fudge brownies left.

Getting More Info


When you feel disaster in your gut, or see it in your date’s response, bring it to your lips. I don’t pretend this is always easy to do, but, trust me on this:
It’s better to know than to stumble around in ignorance. If you feel like your date is not going well, here are some things you may want to say:
  • “I’m sensing you’re not having a good time. Is this true?”
  • “I’d appreciate your honesty. Are you having fun?”
  • “Is there something I’ve said or done to offend you?”
  • “Are we not quite clicking here?”
The truth isn’t always fun to hear. Sometimes it’s downright painful. But, when you give people the chance to be honest with you, they usually will in a kind and gentle way. You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t want to date you. It’s as simple as that. You don’t want to have to convince someone to like you, or ask them to hang in until chemistry kicks in. This is not an endurance test or some dating karmic reincarnation where you’re doomed to repeat every awful experience and where your cosmic score in each category is added up and totaled at the end before you can escape. A date is an organic process as much as it is planning and prep work. Mother Nature is in there orchestrating the event, right alongside your careful blueprint for the perfect outing. Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to fate —this date wasn’t meant to be. Find out what went awry — don’t blame yourself or your date. Then move on. Don’t obsess about why it didn’t work out. Try not to take it too personally. Most importantly, no whining.

Reading the Signs


It’s easy to tell when someone hates your guts. They sneer, they scowl, they scoff, they storm off in a huff. They won’t make eye contact, they mace you, they call their Rottweiler and the fashion police. Unless we’re talking major meltdown or atomic winter, it is really unlikely that the clues will be so obvious. What is much more likely when a date goes sour is a slow process of disconnection, a major lack of chemistry that becomes more apparent as the date ticks on, rather than dramatic magnetic repulsion. Here are the six warning signs of potential date disaster:
  • Lack of eye contact: Eye contact is the very essence of connection, the “window to the soul.” If your date won’t make eye contact — nothing else will connect.
  • Sullenness: Your date is unresponsive and says as little as possible. Make sure that you’re not monopolizing the conversation or asking too many personal questions, but if your date consistently responds with “Yeah,” “No,” and “Don’t know,” you have a pretty clear sign that things are not going well. This doesn’t mean there will never be a gap of silence (or two or three), but when the gaps yawn like the Grand Canyon, something isn’t working.
  • The “I” focus: If your date’s conversation is focused exclusively on himor herself, without any apparent interest in you, it’s a sign of either no interest in you or a pre-occupation with self. Yech.
  • Emotionally out of sync: Have you ever been with somebody who totally “gets it?” Every nuance, every joke, every raised eyebrow? You’re in tune. Conversely, if you find yourself laughing alone a lot during your date, explaining punch lines, or finding humor where your date finds horror (or worse, nothing), you and your date are likely really different and are going to have a rough time finding any common emotional ground.
  • Physically out of sync: A body speaks volumes of feelings. Connected, interested people lean in toward each other or sit close to one another. If one body consistently says, “I’m out of here,” or “Not interested” and remains aloof throughout the date, it’s a fair bet the head feels the same thing.
  • Edgy or anxious or sad: A wee bit of nerves are understandable, but if your date is in an obvious emotional turmoil that doesn’t let up, it’s a sign that your time together is in the dumps, too.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Me, Paranoid?

Should you sense that your date is less than thrilled with you, undoubtedly the question will arise, “Am I right, or am I paranoid?” Good question. Dating is an emotional experience. You’re vulnerable. You’re letting someone you barely know see the real you. Pretty scary stuff. It’s only natural that you might feel a little insecure. You may misread nuances or misinterpret a yawn or a glance at a watch as a sure sign that you’re on the verge of a dating meltdown —especially if you’ve had any dating disasters in the past (who hasn’t?). But this may not be the case at all. Sometimes a yawn really is just insomnia. Glancing at a watch — well, some people need to get up early the next morning, even when they’ve had a great time the night before. So before you write this date off, find out if you really are being paranoid by asking yourself these questions:
  • Was I dreading this date?
  • Did I figure it probably wouldn’t work out before the date even started?
  • Am I trying to decipher the “hidden meaning” in everything my date says?
  • Am I obsessed with how I come off?
  • Does my date keep protesting that he or she was misunderstood?
  • Has anyone ever told me before that I’m oversensitive?
  • Has anyone ever called me “paranoid” before?
  • What’s reality and what’s delusional — do I need a new date or serious medication?
If you answered “yes” to most of the questions, you may need to do a reality check before you dismiss this date. Or you may be too fearful to date at all. See whether the answers you yourself give would make sense if your best friend were telling the story. Would you be calm or dialing for the paramedics? If you wouldn’t see anything all that alarming in these answers if they were your friend’s, you’ve probably passed your own test, and it’s time to shift the focus from you to your date.

When Your Date Hates You

Let’s face it — everyone isn’t going to like you; you’re not going to like everyone. That’s life. Admittedly, it doesn’t feel terrific when someone would rather not see you again, but it’s only one person, one person’s opinion, one date on planet Earth. The ground doesn’t have to tremble or swallow you up to put you out of your misery. Lighten up. Actually, a semi-awful date can be a gift from the gods of dating, an opportunity to take a look at yourself, your expectations, the signals you send out, the people you pick to date, your behavior, your level of relaxation, and your ability to communicate who you really are.
The trick is not to become overly sensitive or obtuse. The last thing I want you to do is sit across from your date scanning his or her body language to determine if the date is a dud. Dating requires a leap of faith that the two of you can have a good time together for an hour or two. Think positive. Enter any dating situation with the expectation that a fun time will be had by all. Reevaluate, if necessary, if evidence to the contrary bubbles up.
Life isn’t a mood ring. I’m going to give you some warning signs, but context is everything when evaluating whether your date is having a good time or would rather be home with a pint of Häagen-Dazs. A yawn can be the end of a really tough week as well as boredom. Looking at your watch doesn’t always mean you can’t wait to get the heck out of there — it can be an old habit or a new watch. Lack of eye contact may mean your date is shy rather than sneaky unwilling to let you see how much fun they’re not having. A stumbling conversation may simply be faulty social skills or nerves rather than an unwillingness to expend air or thought on you. Use all your senses — including your sixth sense, intuition — to evaluate what your date is really trying to convey. Relax a bit.

When Your Date Hates You

Let’s face it — everyone isn’t going to like you; you’re not going to like everyone. That’s life. Admittedly, it doesn’t feel terrific when someone would rather not see you again, but it’s only one person, one person’s opinion, one date on planet Earth. The ground doesn’t have to tremble or swallow you up to put you out of your misery. Lighten up. Actually, a semi-awful date can be a gift from the gods of dating, an opportunity to take a look at yourself, your expectations, the signals you send out, the people you pick to date, your behavior, your level of relaxation, and your ability to communicate who you really are.
The trick is not to become overly sensitive or obtuse. The last thing I want you to do is sit across from your date scanning his or her body language to determine if the date is a dud. Dating requires a leap of faith that the two of you can have a good time together for an hour or two. Think positive. Enter any dating situation with the expectation that a fun time will be had by all. Reevaluate, if necessary, if evidence to the contrary bubbles up.
Life isn’t a mood ring. I’m going to give you some warning signs, but context is everything when evaluating whether your date is having a good time or would rather be home with a pint of Häagen-Dazs. A yawn can be the end of a really tough week as well as boredom. Looking at your watch doesn’t always mean you can’t wait to get the heck out of there — it can be an old habit or a new watch. Lack of eye contact may mean your date is shy rather than sneaky unwilling to let you see how much fun they’re not having. A stumbling conversation may simply be faulty social skills or nerves rather than an unwillingness to expend air or thought on you. Use all your senses — including your sixth sense, intuition — to evaluate what your date is really trying to convey. Relax a bit.

Chilling out


Take ten minutes to calm down. Give yourself the same gift you gave yourself before your date — a toe-to-head wave of relaxation. Clench and release your body parts in this order: toes, calves, thighs, buttocks, abs, biceps, shoulders, neck, and face. Progressively tighten each muscle, then release, and do it twice. If you think it’s going to be hard to sleep, write down what you’re feeling and, later, you can burn, flush, or preserve the record for your unborn grandkids.
Doesn’t that feel good? Now you’re ready to go to sleep and dream and wake up tomorrow to evaluate your date in the cold light of day and decide where you want to go from here.

Chilling out


Take ten minutes to calm down. Give yourself the same gift you gave yourself before your date — a toe-to-head wave of relaxation. Clench and release your body parts in this order: toes, calves, thighs, buttocks, abs, biceps, shoulders, neck, and face. Progressively tighten each muscle, then release, and do it twice. If you think it’s going to be hard to sleep, write down what you’re feeling and, later, you can burn, flush, or preserve the record for your unborn grandkids.
Doesn’t that feel good? Now you’re ready to go to sleep and dream and wake up tomorrow to evaluate your date in the cold light of day and decide where you want to go from here.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Gaining a little perspective


Every date has one — a sort of “after” date where you relive each moment that happened in the hours before. Think Sandra Dee in baby-doll pajamas writing passionately in her diary. Or Frankie Avalon singing to the stars on a moonlit beach. This is the post-datem. I must warn you, it’s a very precarious time. Memory can magnify both the good and the bad. By morning, you’ll believe you were out with either Adonis or The Monster from the Blue Lagoon or one of the Desperate Housewives or just somebody desperate. Or worse, you’ll be convinced you single-handedly ruined what was potentially the love match of your life. None are true.
A date is a series of moments, looks, exchanges, sighs, touches, blunders, brilliance, possibilities, disappointments, and delights. It’s subliminal, on the surface, conscious, and unconscious. It’s the apex of your past experiences and the launching pad for the future. It’s an emotional and intellectual stew. No single moment either made or broke your date. Even if your date swears it’s true (“The moment you said you like pizza, I knew it was love”), it’s not. I know it’s hard to do, but in your post-datem, I want you to put your date into perspective. You don’t have to squash your lover’s high just when you’re feeling so good, but remember what I mentioned earlier: A date is just a date. If you take it too seriously, you’re in for both heartaches and headaches. Instead, when you get home from your date, I want you to take a deep breath and relax. Don’t decide that you blew it — or that you want your best friend to be your maid of honor at the wedding.

What about sex on the first date?


On a first date, sex should be out of the question. You’re just getting to know each other, emotions are running hot, your head may be swimming in infatuation hormones — not an ideal time to take such a dramatic physical and emotional step. Which is what sex really is.
There are several really compelling reasons not to have sex on a first date:
  • Health: In addition to AIDS, there are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs, running rampant out there: chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes (a virus you’re stuck with for life). Another STD you don’t hear too much about is hepatitis C, an incurable virus that causes a liver infection.
  • Translation: Sex doesn’t always mean the same thing to men and women. You may think it’s no big deal but your partner is mentally picking out china patterns. You simply need more than one date to make sure you’re both headed in the same direction.
  • Exposure: On nearly every level, sex is about exposure. You’re (at least partially) naked. You’re opening your body and a piece of your soul to another person. Major stuff, not to be entered into lightly.
  • Intimacy: Sex is a very intimate act. Even if it feels more physical to you, it’s a primal union that opens up all sorts of emotional nooks and crannies you may not even know you had. The intimacy of sexuality is a powerful, loving, amazing thing. It’s to be nurtured and cherished, not taken lightly.

How to kiss?


A first kiss, whether you’re 15 or 50, is thrilling, sweet, nerve-wracking, intimate, awkward, and incredibly vulnerable — all in the first five seconds. Forget about what you’ve seen in the movies (show biz kisses are well-rehearsed —mostly so the kissers don’t cover up each other’s faces) or on stage (actors sometimes skip the lips and kiss between the lower lip and the chin to preserve the actress’ lipstick!). You’ll bump noses and knock teeth and giggle nervously as well as feel tingly all over — which is all perfectly okay. Though there is no “right” way to kiss, here are a few pointers to help you successfully land a lip-lock:
  • Check out your date’s body language. Some signs your date is kiss-ready: head tilted up, eye contact, uncrossed arms, body facing you.
  • As soon as you decide to go for it, do it. Hovering near some girl or guy’s lips will only make both of you freak out.
  • Maintain eye contact on the way to your date’s lips. Don’t shut your eyes until you arrive, or you may get lost on the way.
  • Start gently. Press your lips sweetly against your date’s. Save the tongue action for later.
  • Pull back. Gaze into your date’s eyes. If it’s a go, you’ll know by the way he or she looks longingly back at you. If not, smile and say goodnight, and your face will be nicely saved.
  • The second lip-press is when you can go French. This means tongue. This doesn’t mean gagging your date or thrusting home or swallowing his or her tongue as soon as it darts into your mouth. Instead, gingerly part your lips and venture forth. A light, flickering touch with your tongue can produce major results. The tongue is a cluster of nerve-endings. Imagine “caressing” your date’s tongue and lips and mouth.
  • Don’t overdo it. Variety — kissing the eyelashes, neck, nibbling on the lips — is the spice that flavors all great kissing.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Signs of Hot Kisses


First kisses are so loaded with possibility, expectation, sexuality, sensuality, tenderness, and emotion, it’s a wonder people don’t explode on the spot. Before you get to the door, or to the moment of truth, I want you to make sure your date is sending all the right signals that he or she is ready to take your relationship to level two.
Her signs
You can tell that a woman is interested in a kiss if
  • She’s facing you, arms down, body relaxed.
  • Her head is tilted upward.
  • She doesn’t appear to be ending the date with some definitive remark like, “Thanks. I’ll call you.”
  • Her lips are parted.
  • She gazes into your eyes.
If she’s not interested, she’ll
  • Clamp her jaw shut.
  • Fumble for her keys.
  • Won’t look you in the eye.
  • Glue her chin to her chest.
  • Hold out her hand and say, “Thanks.”

His signs
A guy looking forward to a little lip action will
  • Position his body between you and the door.
  • Act nervous.
  • Show no visible signs of leaving or ending the date.
  • Tilt his head upward.
  • Lick his lips.
If he’s not interested, he’ll
  • Walk you directly to your door or car, without hesitation.
  • Keep his hands in his pockets.
  • Look at his feet.
  • Avoid eye contact at all costs.
Remember, kissing is not a mandatory end to every date. You can hug, shake hands, wave at each other. There are other perfectly acceptable alternatives. It’s your date, and you can kiss if you want to . . . or not kiss if you don’t.

How to kiss?


A first kiss, whether you’re 15 or 50, is thrilling, sweet, nerve-wracking, intimate, awkward, and incredibly vulnerable — all in the first five seconds. Forget about what you’ve seen in the movies (show biz kisses are well-rehearsed —mostly so the kissers don’t cover up each other’s faces) or on stage (actors sometimes skip the lips and kiss between the lower lip and the chin to preserve the actress’ lipstick!). You’ll bump noses and knock teeth and giggle nervously as well as feel tingly all over — which is all perfectly okay. Though there is no “right” way to kiss, here are a few pointers to help you successfully land a lip-lock:
  • Check out your date’s body language. Some signs your date is kiss-ready: head tilted up, eye contact, uncrossed arms, body facing you.
  • As soon as you decide to go for it, do it. Hovering near some girl or guy’s lips will only make both of you freak out.
  • Maintain eye contact on the way to your date’s lips. Don’t shut your eyes until you arrive, or you may get lost on the way.
  • Start gently. Press your lips sweetly against your date’s. Save the tongue action for later.
  • Pull back. Gaze into your date’s eyes. If it’s a go, you’ll know by the way he or she looks longingly back at you. If not, smile and say goodnight, and your face will be nicely saved.
  • The second lip-press is when you can go French. This means tongue. This doesn’t mean gagging your date or thrusting home or swallowing his or her tongue as soon as it darts into your mouth. Instead, gingerly part your lips and venture forth. A light, flickering touch with your tongue can produce major results. The tongue is a cluster of nerve-endings. Imagine “caressing” your date’s tongue and lips and mouth.
  • Don’t overdo it. Variety — kissing the eyelashes, neck, nibbling on the lips — is the spice that flavors all great kissing.

Analyzing kiss


According to Boston College professor William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing, there are 25 different ways to smooch. 25! There’s the eye kiss, the wet kiss, the butterfly, the friendly, and the ever-popular lip-o-suction. That’s just naming a few. Unless you plan to end your date with a “see ya” peck on the cheek, it’s important to know the difference between a quick kiss, a serious kiss, and seriously making out:
  • Handshake: If your date extends his or her hand instead of lips, it means one of two things: One, he or she is trying to do the right (as in respectful) thing and not move too fast. Two, the moment is awkward, and your date isn’t sure what to do. A handshake isn’t necessarily a brush-off. A kiss-off is a brush-off. If you want more, try a gentle, friendly hug and see what happens.
  • Hug: Since your entire body is involved, a hug can be the gateway to more intimacy. It’s also what Uncle Wally and Aunt Mildred do to you just before they pinch your cheeks. The duration of the hug determines what happens next. If it’s a quick body-pressing, take it as the equivalent of a quick kiss (see the next item). If your date holds you close, and you like it, a simple tilt of the head and, voilá, you’re in perfect kissing position.
  • Quick kiss: Quick kisses are everywhere. People who barely know one another quick kiss on the cheek when they meet. In France, the doublecheek quick kiss is part of the national identity. If your date leans forward at the end of your time together and quick kisses you on the cheek, say a quick goodbye. Though a major smooch session may be coming later, it’s the last thing on your date’s mind tonight. If, on the other hand, your date quick kisses you hello, especially if it’s more sweet than scary or sexy, you’re picking up on some fairly serious chemistry.
  • Serious kiss: This is a kiss you can see coming. Your date has been preparing the proper approach in his or her mind, and there’s a thrilling tingle of anticipation in the air. A serious kiss is one of intention. It’s sensual more than sexual and takes time when done properly. A serious kiss is one of the best signs that your date can’t wait to see you again.
  • Making out: All about lust, making out is an earnest lip-lock intended as a prelude to something more — not always sex . . . though the promise and possibility of sex are definitely part of the scene. Making out is characterized by a full-body experience. Your lips are only the initiators. Making out uses the hands, hot breath on the neck, bodies pressed together. Warning: Don’t make out with a date you don’t want to see again. It sends out a mixed message, as well as a mess of hormones that have nowhere to go.
In general, men view kissing as a prelude to the main event: sex. For men, a woman who kisses well promises to be a tiger in the sack, too. Women often see kissing as a perfectly good activity in and of itself, rather than a means to an end. Women could kiss all night, and then say goodnight without feeling “cheated” out of sex. For women, a guy who’s a “great kisser” is a guy who takes his time, a guy who’s capable of love as well as lust.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Kiss Question


Speaking of intimacy . . . the all-important question looming large at the end of almost every date is as simple and as complicated as two pair of lips. Should we kiss?
Kissing is an intimate act — at least, intimate kissing is. You’re literally opening up to someone. Your eyes are (usually) closed, and your neck is exposed. Physically (and primally), it’s a very vulnerable position. Emotionally, it’s incredibly vulnerable. How many folks have lain awake at night, dreamily remembering their date’s kiss?
A college friend of mine once confided that if she kissed a man, she’d sleep with him. I was shocked at such a confession, until she explained it further. Kissing is such an intimate act, she said, perhaps the most intimate act, that she’d never kiss someone unless she was ready to go all the way. Others feel kissing is foreplay, and lots of folks like kissing all by itself.

Ten signs it’s a disaster date


Your date:
  1. Goes to the bathroom and never returns.
  2. Stiffs you with the bill after ordering the most expensive thing on the menu.
  3. Sits at another table.
  4. Flirts with the waiter or waitress.
  5. Says, “I just forgot, my father’s having surgery,” “I’m having a root canal,” or “I’m taking final vows,” when you suggest getting together again.
  6. Asks to borrow your car keys and doesn’t return.
  7. Asks to practice your signature and then steals your credit card.
  8. Calls a parent to come pick them up without telling you.
  9. Calls the police.
  10. Buys an attack dog.

Ending a disastrous date


If you don’t want to see each other again, don’t say you’ll call. If you’re bored to tears, don’t say, “Yeah, that would be fun,” when your date suggests a follow-up day at the beach. It’s icky, it’s awkward, it’s painful, it makes your forehead sweat, but honesty is ultimately the best way to go. If you have no intention of seeing what’s behind date number two, say it now. Be polite, be firm, be honest, be brave. Do the right thing. You can say, “I’ll be busy for the next six months,” “I feel a migraine coming on,” or “I’m taking final vows on Thursday.” They’ll get the message. Just don’t say, “I’ll call” or “Maybe we can do this again” if you have no desire to do either.
  • Don’t say you’ll call, fax, e-mail, beep. It’s not nice to be dishonest about what you intend to do.
  • Don’t have sex. The reason is pretty obvious, right?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ending so-so date


Sometimes you’re not sure how you feel until the excitement dies down and real-life takes over and you regain your perspective. That’s perfectly fine. Just ’fess up. Tell your date you had a good time, your head is spinning, and you need a little time to sort out your feelings. It may sound a tad insensitive, but it’s much better than the “Hey, baby, I’ll call you” line if you’re really not sure you will.
If your date says to you he or she needs a few days to digest it all, smile sweetly, say “Great” and go home. Not go phone. Simply go home and live your life. Remember, a watched phone never rings.
So if you’re not sure about the date:
  • Wait for follow-up — but live your life: Don’t spend all your time waiting next to the phone.
  • Give yourself a week or so to ponder: Upon reflection, the scales usually tip one way or the other.
  • Don’t have sex: If you’re not sure how you feel about the date, you are definitely not ready to have sex.

Ending successful date


If your date is going well, mention date number two before date number one is over. You don’t have to fish out your PDA or whip out a cell phone to check with your secretary or your mom or your boss, but the subject can be broached. This is important: Be honest (don’t say you’ll call just to be nice).
When the date ends, do any — or all — of the following:
  • Make out: You know, share soulful kisses and tender caresses — but don’t have sex.
  • Follow up: Call, e-mail, fax, beep.

Ending the Date Gracefully


At first glance, it would seem easy to know when a date is over. The empty dishes have been cleared off your table, the check is paid, the theater lights are up, or the sun has risen. There are definitely markers. But a date is an emotional event. What’s an empty restaurant and five glaring waiters when this could be true love? Plus, if things are going well, you’re also battling your biology.
When you’re in the throes of infatuation, a chemical in your brain called phenylethylamine (PEA) causes those tingly feelings of euphoria. Other neurochemicals, namely norepinephrine and dopamine, may also play a part in your “lover’s high.” These natural “uppers” are what cause lovers to stay awake all night gazing into each other’s eyes or talking into the wee hours of the morning. Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, this chemically induced elation fades. Your brain can’t stay in a revved-up state forever! Pacing yourself may seem like a waste of time if you and your date have clicked from the start. But in the long run, it’s always better to leave them wanting more than feeling like it was just this side of too much. Assuming your date has gone well, you want the end of your first date to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, not the grand finale of one memorable night.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Picking Up the Check


The moment has arrived. You dab the corners of your mouth with a napkin as the waiter strategically positions the check halfway between you and your date. Now what? You asked, you pay.
I know I’m going to catch a little heat, but my rule for the first date, at least, is the asker (male or female) forks over the dough. After that, you can negotiate other arrangements. Or you can let the check sit there and stew.
What paying means:
  • You’re investing in this relationship . . . no matter how briefly.
  • You’re not cheap . . . on any level.
  • You’ve got class and style and a little jingle in your pocket. Everyone loves all three.
What paying doesn’t mean:
  • You’ve just bought sex, too.
  • You’ve bought yourself another date.
  • Your date now owes you.

Lighten up


No matter what happens, the biggest thing to bear in mind is this: It’s a date —just a date. Not brain surgery or the cure for cancer or the Bill of Rights or Macbeth. It’s not serious drama with dire consequences. It’s a date. So while you’re in the midst of it all, why not lighten up? The punsters weren’t kidding when they said, “Laughter is the best medicine.” Several studies have found that jovial belly laughs not only improve circulation and work muscles all over the body, but they relieve stress much in the same way aerobic exercise does. Even in our darkest moments, laughter can instantly make things seem, and feel, much better. Though I don’t recommend tossing one-liners non-stop, looking on the bright side of a dim moment can mean the difference between a disaster date and one that’s the beginning of a great relationship.

Big date do’s and don’ts


It’s prom night, your sister’s wedding, your 30th birthday, New Year’s Eve, a retirement party at the firm . . . whatever. When it comes to a BIG date, as in not-just-any-old-Saturday-night date, these guidelines help you have a great time:
  • DO plan ahead. Big dates are almost always dates you know are coming weeks in advance. Arrange your date as soon as possible so he or she can mark a calendar, rent a tux, buy a great present, etc.
  • DON’T make a first date a big date. It’s too risky and too loaded.
  • DO ask someone with whom you’re really comfortable. Big dates tend to be longer than your average date and often include family members. The last thing you want is a high-maintenance date.
  • DON’T make your big date such a big deal that your companion feels like it’s a pre-marital date, too. It’s okay to go out on a big date with Mr. or Ms. Kinda Right or Right Now.
  • DO substitute a platonic date when a great date isn’t in the cards. It’s better to have a fun time with a friend (or alone!) than have a miserable time with a date who doesn’t work out.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Surviving dating’s most embarrassing moments


One of my best friends remembers her first big high school dance as bittersweet. It was a formal affair (as they were in those days), the guy she’d had a crush on all year had asked her to go, and her dress was to-die-for. That’s the sweet part. Her bitter pill was waking up the morning of the dance to find a giant pimple perched on the tip of her nose like Mount St. Helens. The more she fussed with it all day, the worse it got. That evening, as the doorbell rang, my friend was squirreled away in the bathroom frantically powdering the tip of her nose — which by now rivaled Bozo the Clown’s. A bona fide disaster. She left for the dance with one white-gloved hand hovering over the front of her face. Perhaps, she consoled herself, her date wouldn’t notice. He did. After all, her uncomfortable behavior was as plain as the nose on her face.
“So you’ve got a pimple on the end of your nose!” her date finally exclaimed. Apparently, he was tired of gazing into a glove. “Is it the end of the world?” Of course, the answer was “no” (it only felt like it), and the lesson was learned. From that moment on, she heaved a huge sigh of relief, held her date’s hand, and had a great time. Which is what you can do, too, as soon as you master the perfect remedy for the following dating disasters. The first rule: No matter what the problem, ’fess up immediately. Your date will sense something is wrong and think the problem’s her or him. And remember, no matter how bad it gets, really, is it the end of the world? If you’re old enough to date, you’re old enough to understand menstrual cycles and periods and accidents. Should your date experience such an unfortunate mishap, it’s up to you to help diffuse her mortification. Don’t make light of it (believe me — she won’t think it’s funny), but don’t use this opportunity to “bond” with her by confessing your horror, either. Try what’s been known to work well before — tell her you’re sorry it happened, then lovingly add, “Hey, it’s not the end of the world.”

Big date do’s and don’ts


It’s prom night, your sister’s wedding, your 30th birthday, New Year’s Eve, a retirement party at the firm . . . whatever. When it comes to a BIG date, as in not-just-any-old-Saturday-night date, these guidelines help you have a great time:
  • DO plan ahead. Big dates are almost always dates you know are coming weeks in advance. Arrange your date as soon as possible so he or she can mark a calendar, rent a tux, buy a great present, etc.
  • DON’T make a first date a big date. It’s too risky and too loaded.
  • DO ask someone with whom you’re really comfortable. Big dates tend to be longer than your average date and often include family members. The last thing you want is a high-maintenance date.
  • DON’T make your big date such a big deal that your companion feels like it’s a pre-marital date, too. It’s okay to go out on a big date with Mr. or Ms. Kinda Right or Right Now.
  • DO substitute a platonic date when a great date isn’t in the cards. It’s better to have a fun time with a friend (or alone!) than have a miserable time with a date who doesn’t work out

Possible Dating Spots

Concerts
A concert lets you relate to each other while the music plays, or in the midst of a break. So relate already: Bob back and forth together with the beat, scream in each other’s ears to be heard over the noise, and, when your ears are ringing afterward and you can’t hear anything anyway, just smile dopily at one another. Besides, if you aren’t having a good time, you can leave a concert mid-stream without wondering all night if you missed the really good part. Simply buy the CD.

Sporting events
It’s often much more fun attending a live sporting event than watching it on TV. Even if you’re not into football, you can get into nachos and peanuts. It’s outdoors (usually) and in daylight, and you can even paint your face the color of your favorite team.

Special events
If you have two tickets to a Beatles reunion tour, you’ve got a great first date on your hands. Once-in-a-lifetime events are your basic date shoe-in. If Paul and Ringo do decide to go on tour, I’m available. (I once turned down a cruise for two on the QE2 because I had Rolling Stones tickets.)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Great dating in movies or plays


This dating venue is a double-edged sword. On one side, you’re creating a “shared experience.” Good for bonding. One of the stepping stones of intimacy. On the other side, most of your date will be spent in the dark staring not at each other. Not the ideal way to get to know somebody. To make the most of a movie or play, be open to discussing it afterward. You can talk about the plot, the casting decisions, the money it cost to make it, other movies you’ve seen that you like better, childhood memories this movie evokes —anything. If it was horrible, you can talk — and laugh — about that as well. I know I already mentioned this in Chapter 10, but it’s worth checking to make sure that your date approves your choice. Surprises will be more effective once you are more certain of each other’s tastes!

Great Dating in Restaurants


Food is part of a time-honored traditional date activity, so figuring out how you can make eating out a delicious experience is time well-spent since eating “in” is for later on — after you get to know each other.
Order food you eat with a fork
Forget about sandwiches (unless that’s all there is — in that case, the fewer ingredients, the better). Food you lift with your hands can easily fall from your hands. High-rise sandwiches are notorious for collapsing on the way up to your mouth. Stringy pizza cheese dangles from your lips like you just swallowed twine, sushi is rarely served in petite bite-sized portions, and tacos spill.
Don’t drink
I know, I’m going to lose a lot of you here — if you’re nervous you might be trying to relax yourself. But Miller Time can become mildew time before you know it. Be very careful about alcohol. If you’ve ever had a problem with alcohol, fuhgettaboutit — don’t drink. I can already hear you muttering, “Hey, a drink or two will relax me. I can handle it,” but it’s you that I’m talking to here. Moderation when you’re nervous is difficult to achieve, so err on the side of caution here and believe that alcohol on a first date is dangerous for several reasons:
  • Nerves magnify the effects of alcohol. You get drunk faster.
  • Alcohol has been proven to dismantle your appetite control. While one of you is ready for the check, the drinker is ready for a second round of desserts.
  • Too much alcohol creates a sort of “tunnel vision.” You can’t see or fully
  • comprehend anything that’s not right in front of your face. That’s why it’s so dangerous to drive, handle heavy wallets, or — heaven forbid — open up your body and soul.
  • The risk of drinking and driving is huge when you’ve been drinking . . . and nonexistent when you haven’t.
  • Alcohol is the solvent of the superego. Suddenly, you’re saying, doing, and feeling things you’d never say, do, or feel if you were sober.
  • All your guards are down when you’re tipsy, including your sexual judgments. The chances that you’ll say “yes” when you really mean “no” or hear “yes” when you’re told “no” are much greater.

Eat!
Okay — so I’ve put alcohol off-limits, but it’s okay to indulge in dessert calories. Most men are much more comfortable with women who eat reasonably rather than the “Oh, I’ll just have a small salad with the dressing on the side” syndrome. (Surveys show that women put much more pressure on themselves to have a “perfect” body than men ever put on them.) It’s okay to share a dessert. First of all, you’ll find out if he works and plays well with others. Secondly, it sends a loud and clear message that you’re not anorexic or obsessed with your weight. Watching your waistline is one thing, entering a convent is another. Eating is a sensual, pleasurable experience that’s meant to be savored. I’m not saying you should throw calories to the wind and use date night as an excuse to imitate Miss Piggy, but enjoying yourself means letting go enough to enjoy your date, the conversation, the location, the colors, the smells, the sights, the sounds, and the meal — the whole enchilada or creme brulée.

Tip well
I’m talking 20 percent. At least. Generosity is attractive. Trust me, the miser never gets the girl. He may keep a few extra dollars, but a person who is tight with money is unlikely to be generous with time or self.

Mind your manners
Good manners count. Make no mistake about it. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than seeing food churning round and round inside your date’s open mouth. Ugh. Or being rude to waiters, talking too loudly, picking up peas with a knife and sliding them down your throat. Think Jane Austen or Masterpiece Theater or that guy who pulls up in his Rolls and asks, “I say, have you any Grey Poupon?” You want to be prim and very proper. At the very least, do these things:
  • Chew with your mouth closed.
  • Be polite to the waiters.
  • Talk softly.
  • Use your napkin.

Listening Attentively and Effectively



Trust me on this — I make my living listening to others — your date will tell you everything you need to know about him or her in the first 15 minutes. Not 50. 15. Train yourself really to hear what your date’s saying (and believe it). Of course, therein lies the rub: While love may be blind, dating is almost always deaf.
My friend Elaine “bought” a date with a soap star at a charity auction. She could scarcely afford her winning $250 bid, but she had such a crush on the guy she was willing to brown bag it for the half year it would take to make up the deficit. They met at a trendy New York restaurant. He looked incredible. She was flushed with the thrill of it all. Their first minute of conversation, as she later relayed it to me, went a little something like this:

HE (laughing): I can’t believe you paid so much for me. I’m not worth it.
SHE (also laughing): It went to a good cause — me.
HE: I’m really not into the dating scene. I barely have time to learn my lines and go to bed.
SHE: Thank you for squeezing me into your busy schedule.
HE: I barely made it. I’m leaving for L.A. tomorrow.
SHE: Business?
HE: Hopefully. I’m up for a series.
SHE: Good luck. I hope you get it.

Of course, she was lying, and he was telling the honest-to-goodness truth. Elaine thought their date went smashingly well and was devastated when he didn’t call her again — which she could have known he wouldn’t do if she’d listened with open ears instead of a too-wide-open heart. He’d told her flatout he wasn’t worth it, didn’t date, and was going to move 3,000 miles away. And he’d said it all in the first 30 seconds of their evening together. Learning how to listen is not easy, but it is simple. You have to train yourself to focus on the present moment only — not on your witty comeback, the followup question, the stupid thing you can’t believe you just said, the parsley you can feel lodged in between your teeth. You have to be in the now. Period.
If you want to be a good listener, you have to
  • Train yourself to stay with the talker, word for word, until he or she is finished. Simple concept, but really difficult to practice.
  • Suspend judgment and open your heart and head, as well as your ears. Listen to what the person is actually saying — not what you want to hear; it’s crucial not only to dating but to all human interactions.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mirroring


You know that great feeling when you and another person are totally in sync? You laugh at the same jokes, love the same food, both thought The English Patient was way too long? Similarity is the essence of connection, and connection is the essence of trust, and trust is the foundation for true love.
You’re mirroring each other if you’re
  • Duplicating your date’s body language. Are you both leaning forward at the same time, each sitting with legs crossed?
  • Adopting the same speaking rhythm. Are you both talking softly, going back and forth conversationally, sharing the same pacing?
  • Echoing style or energy level. Are you both mellow or energized, calm or hyped? Subtlety is the essence of good mirroring.
You don’t want to get caught mimicking your date. The trick is to have your date feel connected, not pick up on a monkey-see, monkey-do act. You’ll naturally either fall into — or out of — a sort of relationship sync, which you can’t fake for long. Rather than direct yourself to do it, see whether mirroring just occurs normally.

Negative body language signs


Your date may not be finger-drumming the tabletop, but displaying any of the following signals can be a warning:
  • Frequent nodding: The Yin and Yang of body language, a little nodding is a good sign; continuous head-bobbing means you’ve lost the connection.
  • Open mouth: If your date always seems to be trying to break in, you may be too long-winded and have lost your partner’s interest.
  • Hands on mouth: This is a censoring mechanism, literally stopping the words as they come out of the mouth — not a good sign.
  • Arms crossed: Any type of closed-up body posture indicates a barrier between the two of you (unless the room is cold — look for goose bumps).
  • Arms behind the head: On a first date, this is a classic sign of dominance . . . or the attempt to gain it.
  • Yawning: You guessed it — bored to tears. We’ve all been learning to interpret nonverbal cues since the first time our mothers cradled us; survival depended on spotting Dad’s mood or Grandma’s pride or our sister’s sulking.
Studies have shown that kids who can easily read subtle facial cues survive the perils of grammar school far better than their more obtuse peers. If you suspect that your date is annoyed or bored or impatient, it’s okay to test the waters. See whether changing the subject works or even, egad, say, “I seem to have turned you off.” Then ask, “Was it something I said?” You’ll score points for sensitivity. But ask only once. No nagging! Okay, now that you know all this stuff, should you become Sherlock Holmes or just enjoy your date? Elementary, my dear. Relax and enjoy. However, if you want a way to check out your own unconscious reactions, you don’t need to study a videotape to see if you’re mirroring.

Positive body language signs


If your date is using a lot of the following signals, you can take it as a good sign that he or she is interested and having a good time. Congratulations!
  • Good eye contact: Gazing (not staring) into someone’s eyes is a good sign.
  • Leaning forward: Making the space between you two smaller and cozier signals that interest is on the way up and walls are on the way down.
  • Relaxed posture: Sitting or standing comfortably and breathing smoothly indicates that your date is open and non-defensive.
  • Palms up: Open hands indicate a warm and receptive heart.
  • Touching: If the touching is warm rather than suggestive, you’re making contact.
  • Nodding: If your date nods periodically as you speak, you’re on the same wavelength.
  • Mirroring: Unconsciously reflecting each other’s behavior — leaning forward at the same time, breathing in sync, crossing the same leg over the other at the same time, speaking in the same tone — says that you’re attuned to one another.
  • Synchronization: Simultaneous breathing, blinking, and shifting in your seat means you’re in sync.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Flutter those lashes, girl


A German scientist, Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, once studied women’s flirting behavior and
found that nearly all women make the same facial movements when they flirt, in the exact same order. They
  1. Smile.
  2. Lift their eyebrows in a fast, jerky motion.
  3. Open their eyes wide (a sign of sympathetic system arousal, which means that the “Hey, pay attention!” part of our nervous system has kicked into gear).
  4. Lower their eyelids.
  5. Tilt their heads down and to the side (a universal sign of submission in the animal kingdom).
  6. Look away.
Sound like anyone you know? These flirting gestures are so universal that Eibl-Eibesfeldt believes they’re innate sexual signals evolved from the beginning of human history.

Interpreting Body Language


Your body speaks louder than words. So does your date’s. How many dates will tell you flat out that they’re having a rotten time? Few, if any. Yet how many will catch periodic glimpses of their watch? Hopefully, not many. In the mating game, women use their heads, and men use their chests. Literally. Women toss their hair or sweep their heads back as a sign of attraction; men simply puff out their chests. It’s a throwback to our primitive pasts when big, burly Cro-Magnon men and savvy Cro-Magnon women were the kings and queens of the veldt. Now, in our modern jungle, the signs are still there. You just have to know what to look for.
If you spend all your time looking at nonverbal cues, you’re not going to be focusing on what your date is saying and you’re not going to be doing your part about spontaneously responding. So chill out here and don’t spend more than a millisecond of your precious time together “studying” your date. If you do, you’ll both be miserable.
Reading body language is far from an exact science. It’s one part observation, two parts interpretation. People cross their arms when they’re cold as well as closed off. Look for consistent groups of gestures or a suddenly inconsistent movement. Look for patterns, but don’t get hung up here. Focus on what you’re saying verbally to one another and look to nonverbal clues only when in doubt.

Flirting Fun


Remind yourself that you’re here to have fun, and your jaw unclenches, your shoulders drop down, your eyes sparkle, your breathing slows, and you’re ready to flirt.
Flirting is a delicious, low-budget, irresistible, safe-sex sort of way to make you and your date feel tingly all over. The essence of flirting is interest. No one ever flirts with anyone they don’t want to know a little bit better. That’s why flirting on a first date can be so alluring. You’re showing your date you didn’t make a mistake. You’re interested and ready to go. What could be sexier that that? (Okay, I know, but not yet.)
Here’s a quick list of what to do (and not do) when flirting with your date:
  • Use your whole body. Talking the talk without walking the walk is utterly ineffective. Don’t believe it? Try telling a woman she’s beautiful or a guy he’s hunky and then shift your eyes away, and see if you’re believed. Flirty body language begins with the eyes and works its way all the way down to the tips of your footsies. Lean forward, make eye contact, smile, bend your knees a bit, and untense your hands and arms. Remember to relax a bit; this should be fun, not like defusing a bomb.
  • Make eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is very compelling. It makes a person feel like they’ve got your undivided attention, which they should.
  • Smile, don’t smirk. There’s a reason why synonyms for smirk include sneer, leer, and grimace: Smirking is an unattractive and unpleasant expression. Avoid it. Smile openly and sincerely — it’s irresistible.
  • Pay attention. No looking like you’re trying to remember if you fed the cat.
  • Lighten up; don’t bulldoze. Telling your date he or she is incredibly hot isn’t flirting; it’s steering your dating experience directly into a mountain.
  • Focus on your partner, not yourself. Without slipping into a Barbara Walters–type litany of prefabricated questions — such as “Whom do you most admire?” or “If you were a farm animal, what kind would you be?” —make your date feel as though every word is a pearl of wisdom.
  • Don’t think you can’t do it. Anyone can flirt . . . even if only a little. Flirting is a sign of confidence, and even if you’re feeling a teensy bit shaky, give it a try. Practice makes perfect and flirty. You don’t have to be smooth — just sincere.
  • Enjoy yourself. Fun is the flirter’s playground. Once you’re having fun, getting others to play is easy.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Religion Topics in Dating


If the word “Christmas” or “Hanukkah” slips out while you’re relaying a funny family story, so be it. If the Bible or the Torah or a Jehovah’s Witness brochure slips out while you reach for your wallet, that’s a bit over-the-top. Religion and your relationship (or non-relationship) with whomever you may or may not believe in is your own business — at least for now. You don’t want to put your date on the spot. If your date puts you on the spot by asking, say, whether you believe in God, simply change the subject by asking her whether she believes O. J. was guilty.

Politics Topic in Dating


Current events are good conversational fodder. But your position on the death penalty? Abortion? Welfare reform? The president? National health insurance? The Teamsters? Gun control? A bit risky. The potential payoff isn’t worth the risk. If your date shares your political views, is he being truthful or just agreeable? Do you really want a full-scale argument on your first date?
If you show up in a red tie, navy blue blazer, button-down white shirt, khaki pants, and brown penny loafers (or wearing suspenders, a belt, and a bow tie), she’s going to assume that you’re a Republican no matter what you say.
Political hot potatoes to avoid at all costs:
_ Police brutality
_ Immigration
_ National health insurance
_ Women in the military
_ Any current war or conflict
_ September 11 (Geographic location may come into play here.)
_ The designated hitter rule
_ Spanking
_ Body piercing
_ And, of course, Elvis

Talking About Your Exes


If you’re not over your ex enough to avoid mentioning him or her on a first date, you’re not ready to date. Even if you were married to Jack or Jackie the Ripper, or dated Jack or Jackie Kennedy, let past relationships come up naturally another time. Talking about a former lover dredges up a c word even more feared than commitment: comparison. Who wants to start off a relationship wondering if you measure up? Or worse, whether you’ll ever be able to erase the sins of another? Besides, on a first date, three is always a crowd.

Sex Topics in Dating


Even if sex is the first thing on your mind, let it be the last thing on your lips. This covers past, present, and future sexual encounters (both real and virtual). Ditto your sex drive, appetite, and online liaisons. Talking about sex before you know someone fairly well is not only threatening, but it’s also confusing. “What did he mean by that?” “Is she coming on to me?” The last thing you want on a first date is ambiguity. You’re trying to build trust here, not test it. Even animals know there’s a ritual involved before mating. Don’t try to short circuit eons of evolution on a first date. (Which is not to say that your date has to seem like opening day at Celibates Anonymous?

Safe Subjects in Dating


Words can knit a warm blanket or cause an explosion. Your directive here is to create a conversational comfort zone by having a group of icebreakers ready. These tidbits are designed to put both you and your date at ease:
  • Weather: I know, this is so trite it’s almost a national joke. However, comments about the weather have more to do with presentation than subject matter. The old chestnut, “Nice weather we’re having,” is a waste. But confiding that the sky was so clear and beautiful you spent your lunch hour barefoot in the park is another story entirely. (Besides, that data gives you a great chance to talk about a great old Neil Simon movie, Barefoot in the Park, starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford —and right there you’ve taken your budding relationship to another level.)
  • Location: Where you are right now is a great subject for conversation. Commenting on the colors, smells, sounds, and tastes in a positive way (no griping allowed) allows you to share the experience.
  • Friends in common: Beware of gossip, but establishing links is a very good idea.
  • News events: Be up-to-date; read the paper, a news magazine, People, whatever.
  • Popular culture: Talk about plays, movies, concerts, rock stars, and so on.