Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Nix the gossip

The temptation to blab about your great date will be intense, especially as the clock ticks while you wait for the call (or wait to call). But be very careful here. Bragging to your buddies about your date’s bod or huge libido or exaggerating her affection for you is totally uncool. What if the two of you end up together? There’s no way to erase an image once it’s planted in someone’s head, and your friends won’t treat her respectfully if you don’t. Sharing every intimacy is also uncool. Give your date a break. He’s entitled to get to know you without all your friends getting to know him first. Keep your expectations limited.
This is a fragile and vulnerable time for both of you and any potential future. An audience ups the ante, the intensity, the curiosity — and you’re better off without it. You’ll be glad you didn’t blab too much about your date before your date began once you experience the emotionally charged post-date waiting period. Who needs everyone and their mother asking you if he called yet or if she left you any messages on your e-mail? All the way around, it’s best to keep info close to the vest until your relationship really gets going. Even then, discretion is the mother of true trust.

The farmer’s daughter

When a friend of mine was stationed overseas in the army, he met the young daughter of a French farmer. The generous farmer offered my friend, Brian, a home-cooked meal, and he accepted. That evening, and several evenings after, he dined with the family and slowly became smitten with the young girl. But she was only 14, and only Elvis Presley was allowed to indulge such fantasies.
Fast-forward 30 years. Brian was back home in the States, divorced, and the father of two girls. On a vacation to France, he decided to look up the farmer who was, by now, an elderly man, but he still remembered Brian and invited him over for dinner.
“How’s your daughter?” Brian asked casually, as they were sipping port in the family vineyard after dinner.
“You can ask her yourself,” the farmer said.
“She’s dropping her son off later this evening.” Which she did, and she nearly lost her breath when she saw Brian standing in her father’s doorway. She, too, was divorced and had never forgotten her first crush. The years melted away, and now as two adults, they fell in love. This summer marks their 20th wedding anniversary. “It was just meant to be,” Brian often says, sighing.
So leave the phone alone. Get out of the house. Get on with your life and be pleasantly — and genuinely — surprised when he or she really does call.

Men’s Ten-day Rule After a Date

This ten-day rule explains why guys wait ten days to call, even if the date’s terrific.
Assuming your first date is on a Tuesday or Wednesday night:
  • Guys don’t call the next day; they see it as too needy. Girls don’t call the next day, either; they see it as too desperate.
  • Now you’re butting up against the weekend. You don’t want to appear dateless. No one calls Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
  • Now you’re at Monday. No one calls anyone on a Monday.
  • Tuesdays or Wednesdays are good days to call, but if work gets too busy, you leave the number at home, or you’re out of town, then forget it —you’re already to Thursday.
  • Thursday. Too close to the weekend. It’s too late to ask someone out for the weekend or to admit you don’t have a date. Besides, a second date on a weekend rather than a weekday ups the ante too much.
  • Now it’s Friday. Calling on Friday is the same as Thursday.
  • Ditto Saturday.
  • Sunday is still the weekend and a refocus on work, not play.
  • No one makes any important calls on a Monday.
  • Tuesday. Ahhh. That feels about right. Work is calm, your head is calm, your heart is calm, and your conscience is still clean. Now pick up the phone . . . ’cept it’s now been nearly two weeks. Yikes! Guys: Win many more Brownie points by calling before ten days. Girls: Chill.
The problem is the pattern, not you.