Me, Paranoid?

Should you sense that your date is less than thrilled with you, undoubtedly the question will arise, “Am I right, or am I paranoid?” Good question. Dating is an emotional experience. You’re vulnerable. You’re letting someone you barely know see the real you. Pretty scary stuff. It’s only natural that you might feel a little insecure. You may misread nuances or misinterpret a yawn or a glance at a watch as a sure sign that you’re on the verge of a dating meltdown —especially if you’ve had any dating disasters in the past (who hasn’t?). But this may not be the case at all. Sometimes a yawn really is just insomnia. Glancing at a watch — well, some people need to get up early the next morning, even when they’ve had a great time the night before. So before you write this date off, find out if you really are being paranoid by asking yourself these questions:

• Was I dreading this date?
• Did I figure it probably wouldn’t work out before the date even started?
• Am I trying to decipher the “hidden meaning” in everything my date says?
• Am I obsessed with how I come off?
• Does my date keep protesting that he or she was misunderstood?
• Has anyone ever told me before that I’m oversensitive?
• Has anyone ever called me “paranoid” before?
• What’s reality and what’s delusional — do I need a new date or serious medication?

If you answered “yes” to most of the questions, you may need to do a reality check before you dismiss this date. Or you may be too fearful to date at all. See whether the answers you yourself give would make sense if your best friend were telling the story. Would you be calm or dialing for the paramedics? If you wouldn’t see anything all that alarming in these answers if they were your friend’s, you’ve probably passed your own test, and it’s time to shift the focus from you to your date.

When Your Date Hates You

Let’s face it — everyone isn’t going to like you; you’re not going to like everyone. That’s life. Admittedly, it doesn’t feel terrific when someone would rather not see you again, but it’s only one person, one person’s opinion, one date on planet Earth. The ground doesn’t have to tremble or swallow you up to put you out of your misery. Lighten up. Actually, a semi-awful date can be a gift from the gods of dating, an opportunity to take a look at yourself, your expectations, the signals you send out, the people you pick to date, your behavior, your level of relaxation, and your ability to communicate who you really are.
The trick is not to become overly sensitive or obtuse. The last thing I want you to do is sit across from your date scanning his or her body language to determine if the date is a dud. Dating requires a leap of faith that the two of you can have a good time together for an hour or two. Think positive. Enter any dating situation with the expectation that a fun time will be had by all. Reevaluate, if necessary, if evidence to the contrary bubbles up.
Life isn’t a mood ring. I’m going to give you some warning signs, but context is everything when evaluating whether your date is having a good time or would rather be home with a pint of Häagen-Dazs. A yawn can be the end of a really tough week as well as boredom. Looking at your watch doesn’t always mean you can’t wait to get the heck out of there — it can be an old habit or a new watch. Lack of eye contact may mean your date is shy rather than sneaky unwilling to let you see how much fun they’re not having. A stumbling conversation may simply be faulty social skills or nerves rather than an unwillingness to expend air or thought on you. Use all your senses — including your sixth sense, intuition — to evaluate what your date is really trying to convey. Relax a bit.

When Your Date Hates You

Let’s face it — everyone isn’t going to like you; you’re not going to like everyone. That’s life. Admittedly, it doesn’t feel terrific when someone would rather not see you again, but it’s only one person, one person’s opinion, one date on planet Earth. The ground doesn’t have to tremble or swallow you up to put you out of your misery. Lighten up. Actually, a semi-awful date can be a gift from the gods of dating, an opportunity to take a look at yourself, your expectations, the signals you send out, the people you pick to date, your behavior, your level of relaxation, and your ability to communicate who you really are.
The trick is not to become overly sensitive or obtuse. The last thing I want you to do is sit across from your date scanning his or her body language to determine if the date is a dud. Dating requires a leap of faith that the two of you can have a good time together for an hour or two. Think positive. Enter any dating situation with the expectation that a fun time will be had by all. Reevaluate, if necessary, if evidence to the contrary bubbles up.
Life isn’t a mood ring. I’m going to give you some warning signs, but context is everything when evaluating whether your date is having a good time or would rather be home with a pint of Häagen-Dazs. A yawn can be the end of a really tough week as well as boredom. Looking at your watch doesn’t always mean you can’t wait to get the heck out of there — it can be an old habit or a new watch. Lack of eye contact may mean your date is shy rather than sneaky unwilling to let you see how much fun they’re not having. A stumbling conversation may simply be faulty social skills or nerves rather than an unwillingness to expend air or thought on you. Use all your senses — including your sixth sense, intuition — to evaluate what your date is really trying to convey. Relax a bit.

Chilling out

Take ten minutes to calm down. Give yourself the same gift you gave yourself before your date — a toe-to-head wave of relaxation. Clench and release your body parts in this order: toes, calves, thighs, buttocks, abs, biceps, shoulders, neck, and face. Progressively tighten each muscle, then release, and do it twice. If you think it’s going to be hard to sleep, write down what you’re feeling and, later, you can burn, flush, or preserve the record for your unborn grandkids.
Doesn’t that feel good? Now you’re ready to go to sleep and dream and wake up tomorrow to evaluate your date in the cold light of day and decide where you want to go from here.

Chilling out

Take ten minutes to calm down. Give yourself the same gift you gave yourself before your date — a toe-to-head wave of relaxation. Clench and release your body parts in this order: toes, calves, thighs, buttocks, abs, biceps, shoulders, neck, and face. Progressively tighten each muscle, then release, and do it twice. If you think it’s going to be hard to sleep, write down what you’re feeling and, later, you can burn, flush, or preserve the record for your unborn grandkids.
Doesn’t that feel good? Now you’re ready to go to sleep and dream and wake up tomorrow to evaluate your date in the cold light of day and decide where you want to go from here.

Gaining a little perspective

Every date has one — a sort of “after” date where you relive each moment that happened in the hours before. Think Sandra Dee in baby-doll pajamas writing passionately in her diary. Or Frankie Avalon singing to the stars on a moonlit beach. This is the post-datem. I must warn you, it’s a very precarious time. Memory can magnify both the good and the bad. By morning, you’ll believe you were out with either Adonis or The Monster from the Blue Lagoon or one of the Desperate Housewives or just somebody desperate. Or worse, you’ll be convinced you single-handedly ruined what was potentially the love match of your life. None are true.
A date is a series of moments, looks, exchanges, sighs, touches, blunders, brilliance, possibilities, disappointments, and delights. It’s subliminal, on the surface, conscious, and unconscious. It’s the apex of your past experiences and the launching pad for the future. It’s an emotional and intellectual stew. No single moment either made or broke your date. Even if your date swears it’s true (“The moment you said you like pizza, I knew it was love”), it’s not. I know it’s hard to do, but in your post-datem, I want you to put your date into perspective. You don’t have to squash your lover’s high just when you’re feeling so good, but remember what I mentioned earlier: A date is just a date. If you take it too seriously, you’re in for both heartaches and headaches. Instead, when you get home from your date, I want you to take a deep breath and relax. Don’t decide that you blew it — or that you want your best friend to be your maid of honor at the wedding.

What about sex on the first date?

On a first date, sex should be out of the question. You’re just getting to know each other, emotions are running hot, your head may be swimming in infatuation hormones — not an ideal time to take such a dramatic physical and emotional step. Which is what sex really is.
There are several really compelling reasons not to have sex on a first date:

• Health: In addition to AIDS, there are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs, running rampant out there: chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes (a virus you’re stuck with for life). Another STD you don’t hear too much about is hepatitis C, an incurable virus that causes a liver infection.
• Translation: Sex doesn’t always mean the same thing to men and women. You may think it’s no big deal but your partner is mentally picking out china patterns. You simply need more than one date to make sure you’re both headed in the same direction.
• Exposure: On nearly every level, sex is about exposure. You’re (at least partially) naked. You’re opening your body and a piece of your soul to another person. Major stuff, not to be entered into lightly.
• Intimacy: Sex is a very intimate act. Even if it feels more physical to you, it’s a primal union that opens up all sorts of emotional nooks and crannies you may not even know you had. The intimacy of sexuality is a powerful, loving, amazing thing. It’s to be nurtured and cherished, not taken lightly.