Profile of the politically correct date: A joke

DON’T

• Drink more than two glasses of red wine . . . if you drink at all.
• Eat meat (fish and chicken are okay).
• Set your hairstyle with hair spray from an aerosol can.
• Wear fur, leather, perfume, cologne, or chemicals of any kind (includes sunscreen and antiperspirant).
• Discuss politics (unless you met at a rally).
• Call her “babe” or him “sir.”

DO

• Ask for bottled water in the restaurant.
• Discuss whale watching and spotted owl spotting.
• Praise family values.
• Insist on splitting the check.

Bearing other factors in mind during preparation

Here are a few other things to keep in mind as you prepare:

• Allergies: Many people are sensitive to a whole lot of allergens; it’s no longer just the cat or dog. One biggie: perfumes and colognes. To some, wearing a strong scent in a public setting is tantamount to lighting a giant stogie in a doctor’s waiting room. Play it safe by either going au naturel or, before you get dressed, spritz your scent into the air and walk into it instead of squirting perfume or cologne directly on your skin.
• Sore spots: Although you can’t avoid offending all of the people all of the time, you can avoid stepping on potential toes by considering what your date may think about fur, cleavage, big hair, smoking, drinking, drugs, and photographs of Mother pinned to your lapel. Because you don’t know each other at this point, pretend that you’re dressing for a job interview or a meeting with a bank to consider a loan. You can make political statements on date three.

Have I figured my date into the equation?

Dressing for your evening out is primarily about making you feel like a million bucks, but while you’re at it, throw a few cents of sense your date’s way. Tom Cruise and anybody aside, most short guys feel a tad shy with an Amazon woman at their side — especially if he has a bald spot previously seen only by birds or passengers in low-flying aircraft. Date night may not be the right night to break out those four-inch heels. Grungy rock stars aside, most women prefer a gu who at least ran his fingers through his hair — unless, of course, he’s been working on the car or in the garden or out in the stables and his shower is broken. (In that case, the whole date will be a wash, so you might as well reschedule.) The point is, a date is a twosome. Some consideration on your part can help make it one heck of a great time.

Think about what your date will probably wear. If you’re beaching it, lose the tie. If you’re going to a barbecue, don’t wear something suitable for a funeral. Dress age- and place-appropriate so that you’re not likely to be taken for her

father or his baby doll. This is also not the time for gender-bending outfits. When in doubt, think about both your comfort and your date’s. Remember that it’s easier to remove a tie than wish you’d worn one, and overdressing makes you look elegant, and underdressing makes you look sloppy, so if you can’t hit it exactly right, try a bit over rather than under. My aunt has always
maintained overdressing will get you taken to a better restaurant.

Did I pay attention to detail?

Shine your shoes. Press your collar. Check for errant threads. Rub the lipstick off your teeth. Tuck in the tag. Clean under your fingernails. Sniff for excessive aftershave or perfume. Unstuff your purse. Freshen your breath. Match your socks. Check out the rearview in a full-length mirror (don’t forget the back of your hairdo). In short, pretend you’re going to Sunday school and grandma’s watching.

•  Department store dressing rooms are notoriously overlit. If you look good in there, you’ll look good anywhere.
•  Bathroom mirrors are typically underlit for bright, daylight makeup. If you can, apply daylight makeup close to a window flooded with natural light. If you can’t, recheck your makeup once you get outside and blend in any areas that look a little thick.

Unless you’re covering surgical scars or other major skin care challenges, you should always be able to see your skin through your makeup. Foundation is designed to improve Mother Nature, not replace her.

Where am I going?

This point is simple, but often overlooked. Ask yourself, “Did she really ‘We’ll grab a bite to eat’?” If so, case closed: Wear a catcher’s mitt. But if you’re not entirely sure, there’s no harm in asking, “Is this a casual affair?” — only, leave out the word “affair” so he won’t get the wrong idea.

What do I feel good in?

Comfort is crucial. You’ll have enough emotional turmoil to grapple with without fussing over a shoulder pad that keeps slipping or a silk shirt that suddenly feels like a plastic bag.

• Select cozy fabrics. Cotton or velvet or any other material that feels soft against your skin is a good choice.
•  Make sure that the fit is fabulous. Take the penny test: Drop a penny on the floor; then pick it up. If your waistband is too tight, heels too high, skirt too narrow, slacks too snug, shirt too short, or gold chains too heavy, rethink your look until you can easily scoop that penny off the floor. If your outfit doesn’t pass the penny test, put it back in the closet.
•  Wear what you already own. The temptation to rush out and buy the perfect outfit will be strong. Resist it. You don’t want to take chances with an outfit that hasn’t already proven itself at least once. “New” doesn’t necessarily mean “flawless.” Hems fall, button threads unravel, perspiration shows. Again, play it safe and go with what you know.

What do I look good in?

A date is a time for the tried-and-true: the outfit you already know inspires everyone to ask, “Have you lost weight?” — or the male equivalent, “Have you been working out?” If you find yourself musing, “You know, I’ve always wanted to try spandex,” immediately do the following: Drop this book, run to the bathroom, turn the faucet on cold, and shove your face beneath the icy stream. If no water is available, a gentle, but firm, slap on both cheeks will do.
Save your experimental urges for dark, stormy nights full of lightning when you’re trying to jolt a green-faced monster with a giant flat-top back to life. If you’re not sure what you look good in, put on a potential outfit and stand in front of your mirror. Then really look at yourself, from head to toe to the back of your heels. You’ll be tempted to be judgmental. Don’t. This is a time for
honest appraisal, not nit-picking. If you’re not good at figuring out what looks terrific and what qualifies you for arrest by the fashion police, ask a best friend to be brutally honest (if one isn’t handy on the day of the date, do this beforehand). Friends see stuff you’ve been overlooking for years.

• Select substance over style. Style is great, and great style is truly fabulous. Often though, the latest, latest, latest style is a tad too trendy for anyone other than the very young and very hungry. Again, go for it only if it looks good on you.
•  Pick the right color. Yeah, I know. You guys aren’t about to hold an orange scarf up to your face to tell whether you really are an “autumn” instead of a “winter.” I don’t blame you. Who needs the devastation of discovering you’ve spent your life as the wrong season? Yet, a little color savvy goes a long way. Often, it’s hard to tell if a color really does look good or the salesperson was pulling your leg when she said, “Puce is you!” Once again, a trusted friend can come in handy. One quick rule: If your skin has a yellowish cast to it, you probably look best in soft browns, golds, and reds. If your skin is more pinkish, try grays, blues, and purples. When in doubt, hey, there’s always basic black.
•  Consider the breadth and scope of the entire date, not just the sashay to the car or to the table in the restaurant. If there’s dancing after dinner, for instance, that jacket’s going to come off, so you’d better make sure it isn’t the cornerstone of your look (or at least that your shirt is ironed).
•  Choose fabrics that wear as well as you do. Satin? Linen? Fuhgettaboutit unless you’re dating a Shar-Pei who loves wrinkles.