Proclaiming Truth: Honesty Is a Tricky Policy

There you are sitting across from a date who’s eager and hopeful and trying her or his best to engage you. This person is perfectly nice. Perfectly acceptable. Perfectly wrong for you. For whatever reason, you know it’s not going to work out. How, then, do you let your date down easy? Be honest . . . without harming the poor, unfortunate soul unnecessarily. Truth-telling is a tricky bit of business. In the guise of “truth,” many a hurt has been inflicted. Do you really need to tell someone he or she is fat, even if that is the case? Do you need to say, “No, your nose isn’t big; it’s huge”?
Using tact
The difference between hurtful truth-telling and honesty is four letters: tact. The best way to be tactful is to put yourself in your date’s shoes. If you wouldn’t want to hear it, your date most likely won’t want to hear it, either. To help you out of any potential corner into which you might paint yourself during a date gone sour.

A personal ad with no purse strings attached

Here I want you to use the gimmick simply to get in touch with you. The major distinction between a real personal ad and this exercise is that real ads are limited in number of words and just focus on the tip of the iceberg. Without these restrictions, you can look well below the H2O level.

One of the quickest ways to make sure that what you’re advertising for and what you want are the same is to write a personal ad that is just for fun and practice and that will, most likely, never see the light of day. A personal ad can tell you very quickly whether what you want and how you’re advertising are out of whack. If you’re looking for someone with whom to settle down, for example, then looks should be less important to you than stability, sincerity, and fertility. If you love to travel, you shouldn’t be trolling for a homebody. To use your personal ad for this exercise, look at what you said you wanted in your mate (your fantasy) and what you said about yourself (your reality). Look for compatible or complementary traits.

For example, if you listed that you want stability and commitment in your About Me section but listed adventurous risk-taker in the About Him/Her section of the ad, you’ve got some work to do in order to achieve some semblance of compatibility. In determining whether the lists are compatible, look for overlap in words or ideas. If you see “fun-loving” in your list, you probably want to see “fun-loving” — or a concept like it — in the fantasy date’s list, too; be careful if your fantasy date’s list includes qualities that conflict with yours, like “down-to-earth and serious.” You’ll think of them as a stick-in-the-mud, and they’ll see you as frivolous, flirtatious, and untrustworthy.

You may be saying to yourself, “Hey look, I’m only talking about a date.” But don’t go off in a direction that makes no sense (why date someone of another faith if you would never allow yourself to fall in love with that person or marry out of the faith? Why date someone who smokes if you hate smoking?) unless you simply want a diversion, which is expensive in terms of time and energy and emotion. Of course, if you want to do that, it’s fine with me. Just make sure that you make your intentions clear upfront to all parties concerned, including yourself.

If you’re not sure what you want, it’s okay to experiment, but make sure that your uncertainty isn’t based on an unwillingness to face up to who you are and what you want. That’s an expense none of us can afford. Because this ad isn’t going anyplace, don’t worry about how many words you use, but do make sure that you’re not avoiding reality by tap-dancing with a lot of words. Are you looking for romance or companionship or commitment? Don’t tell me all of the above, because they’re really not the same thing.

If your ad sounds like every ad that you’ve ever read, start again. This is you. The real you, the honest you, the specific you. No one ever has to see what you really want, but doing this exercise can focus you in a very helpful way. What you’re looking for in your personal ad is something that really says you. The fact that you love grape jelly and Bob Dylan and are allergic to cats says a lot more than that you like moonlight and long romantic walks on a beach. Puhl-leeeeze. If there was ever a time not to be trite, it’s when you’re talking about yourself and who you are and what you want. Don’t worry that you’re being too specific.

If your ad seems too picky, you can always modify it and try that approach for a while or rely on the Fates and chemistry to steer you. Keep in mind, though, that a little bit of that unwillingness to take responsibility goes a long way. So do be careful. Do not be tempted to send this ad anywhere. Personal ads can certainly jazz up your social life, but don’t waste the time or the money on a personal ad until you have a bit of conventional dating under your belt. You want to make sure that you have most of the details worked out before you take the act on the road.

Tuck the ad away in your notebook for a while and go on to the next chapter. If, after dating for a year or so, you feel like you know what you’re doing but would like to widen the dating pool, you’ll be prepared. Do read the ad again to make sure that everything is accurate in terms of how you see yourself and your prospective date. (Of course, it certainly should have changed a bit once you’ve been out there — nothing’s quite as valuable as a bit of experience.) You’re now most of the way through armchair dating. Just a bit more and you can get out there and strut your stuff.

Being the real you

Once you’re aware of who you are, you can begin working on how you’re you. You can look at your body language, your wardrobe, your vocabulary, your tone of voice, your fears, and your desires and make sure that there is some consistency between what you truly want and what your behavior indicates you want. It’s amazing how often we all give out the wrong clues in an attempt to pretend to be someone we’re not. When you’re more knowledgeable about yourself, you can hold a mirror up to your behavior and see what others see —and respond to. Think about how you present yourself and determine whether you send out signals that are consistent with what you want.

Are you timid and looking at the floor or confident and covering up sweaty palms with a bit of swagger? Are you noisy because you’re fearful no one will listen to you, or do you whisper so that people have to stand close because you’re afraid of your own power? Do you stoop to appear short or fluff your hair to appear bigger?

Friendly and not-so-friendly ghosts

When you begin thinking about who you want in your life, the kind of person who makes sense, you may be influenced by a ghost — not Casper and not necessarily friendly, but someone who haunts you without your even being aware of it. This ghost is someone who rearranged the emotional furniture in your room and is likely to be someone who you cared about but who didn’t turn out as you wished. It may be a first grade teacher who seemed to like your best friend best, a best friend who moved away, or someone who didn’t give you a Valentine. It could also be a traumatic experience, like overhearing a remark from a supposed friend that hurt your feelings.

And just like ghosts, who are assumed to be souls who haven’t found peace, your emotional ghosts are fueled by lack of resolution in your head or heart. Because this chapter is about laying the groundwork to go and do something that’s scary and fun and exciting (that is, date), it’s a great idea to have as much of your energy at your disposal as possible. Therefore, an exorcism is in order. You don’t need holy water, incense, or a priest, just a bit of courage and a paper and pencil. If you’re haunted by an emotional ghost (what an image!), write down the specific characteristics of the ghost — turn on the light of your intellect and understanding.

Ghosts need darkness, fear, and tension to survive. You may not be able to get rid of all the thoughts, but you can probably keep yourself from being haunted by just getting all those thoughts out into the open and into your notebook. Ghosts can only haunt you in the dark, so turn the light on.

Describing an Ideal Match For You

Now that you know who you are, what would you like in a partner? I’m not necessarily talking about the rest of your life — after all, you may very well want different things in someone at one stage or another of your life — but it makes no sense to date someone who loves kids and animals if you want a lifestyle of travel and high adventure and risk with a partner. Similarly, if sex is crucial in your life, dating someone who thinks sex is dirty is somewhat counterproductive.
Look at a specific list of the characteristics that would balance your good and bad points. For example, if you’re shy, would you be happier with someone who is more outgoing or shy like yourself? There is no right or wrong answer here, just good questions.

Start with the fantasy list describing your ideal partner, and compare that list to the list describing your characteristics. See if there is a fit, a match. Are you looking for security or excitement, domesticity or adventure, stability or thrills? Are you looking to balance who you are or find someone just like you?

Who Am I?

All of us are the products of our gene pools (that’s why this chapter begins with parents); our experiences (that’s why the preceding section looks at patterns and fantasies); and our choices, intellect, and emotions, which is what this section looks at. By now, you’re beginning to understand that there are no perfect people and no perfect characteristics. Almost anything can have a plus and a minus. You can’t begin to work on emphasizing the good stuff and downplaying the icky until you know exactly what and where each is.
So to work:

1. 1. List the things you really love about yourself in your dating notebook, and be very specific. What you love about yourself is the basis of everything else, but for heaven’s sake, don’t write, “I’m a really nice person.” What does nice mean? Instead, write that you are patient with your little brother, impatient with a check-out clerk, likely to snitch a candy bar if no one’s watching —well, actually, that part goes in the next step; so carry on with the good stuff, or if you can’t separate ’em, begin the “what I’m not crazy about” list and come back to this one after you’ve purged yourself. Make sure that this list is long enough to withstand the next task, which is to list what you don’t like about yourself. If you can’t come up with at least ten specific good things, you’re having a pity party or you need a therapist, seriously. We are each responsible for fashioning ourselves as likable by our own standards, at the very least. If you can get other folks to agree, terrific; if not . . . well, we’re not talking crazy here.
2. Now complete the I’m-not-crazy-about-these-things-in-myself list. Just bedrock — who you are and what you can change and what you’re going to have to learn to live with yourself — goes here. Some of the things you’re proudest of often have a downside. For example, if you’re independent, you may not be as attuned to others’ feelings as you would like. If you’re sensitive, you may be too dependent on others’ opinions.

The point of this exercise is to emphasize the positive and either downplay or obliterate the negative. The very act of thinking about yourself in this way, being specific, and taking inventory is the first step toward taking responsibility and changing what you can and want to change about yourself. Then you can begin to repattern your behavior: Snap that rubber band against your wrist when you lose your temper or fine yourself when you gossip; focus on your great posture and ability to put others at ease.

Look for the Patterns before Start to Date

Since you’re old enough to read and think about dating, you have some patterns to go on. Even if this is your very first dating experience, you’ve talked to the opposite sex, fantasized, and interacted. In this section, you look at those patterns (this is also good information to put in your dating notebook):

• Who you choose: Are you drawn to blondes, bullies, actors, athletes, people who hold you too tight, or people who seem to disappear? Are you talking down-to-earth or mysterious, bubbly or reserved, serious or silly?
• How you act: All of us act in characteristic ways, and once we understand those ways, we can see our behavior and the effect it has. Understanding this, we can then begin to see alternative ways of behaving — what to do more of and what to change — before our emotional bruises become permanent. In your notebook, put down what works really well for you and what bombs. Are you really a good listener, or are your jokes terrific? Do you dance well or help everybody with homework? Can you remember your first grade teacher’s name? Do you do well at Trivial Pursuit? Do animals love you? Are you great at crossword puzzles?
  

• How you react: Where are your buttons? What makes you blow up —what words or phrases or situations? We all have them, and they’re often connected by a long, sturdy thread to our past. I hate being told to shut up. “Keep quiet” is okay; “stop talking” is okay; but someone’s saying “shut up” makes me see red and purple and black and blue. Don’t get hung up on the belief that some people are just naturally good at dating and some are awful; it’s basically not true, and even if it were, it has nothing to do with you. The goal of this blog is to help you figure out how to build relationships in a way that makes some sense to you and is effective and honest and sincere and fun.

Don’t assume that everything you can do, everybody else can do. It’s just not true, and the beginning of any good relationship is the relationship you have with yourself. Don’t be shy and don’t be overly critical or overly kind. Paper and pencil can help you to focus on your strengths.

When you’re done, you’ll probably have a pretty detailed list of the most super New Year’s resolutions of all time: how you’re going to polish, trim, highlight, and embrace who you are and who you are cheerfully and enthusiastically becoming. The more specific the list, the more obvious the path and the more straightforward the task.

Keeping a Dating Notebook

Throughout this blog, I include exercises you can do to find out more about yourself and what you want, as well as suggestions for noting your feelings and impressions. Treat this as both an opportunity and a project to find out more about yourself.
Buy yourself a spiral notebook and a pen and write down specifics. (Be sure to write in ink because it’s useful to go back and see what you were saying as opposed to erasing it, if you didn’t like it, because your musings can be a work in progress, a reflection of who you were and who you’re becoming.) Instead of writing in this text (I still haven’t recovered from the fact that my second grade teacher would never let me so much as underline in my blog), I want you to provide your own notebook, , but make sure no one else can casually pick it up and be privy to thoughts you might want to keep a bit more private. When you write something down, include information that will help you remember who you were at the time of notation, your feelings, your job, your wishes and dreams as well as the date, the time of day, who you were dating at the time, how old you were, and where you were living. This info can really be an ongoing log (sort of like Captain Kirk StarDate log as if your dating is entering a strange, new world, encountering exotic new species!).

The Big Three Things

Money matters
The days of men expecting or being expected to pay for everything have come and gone. It makes a women look modern, generous, and interested to at least offer and be willing to pick up the check, especially if she’s making a decent living. Even if not, offer to do what you can even if it’s a picnic in the park! Guys, offering to split the check makes you look cheap — I know she looks generous, but you’ll be labeled chintzy. Times are changing — but not overnight.

Sex
Ah sex, the fundamental things apply, except that we’re not quite so basic anymore when you add in earlier puberty, longer lives, sexually transmitted diseases, birth control, hooking up, women being more sexually aggressive and assertive, drugs, and rock and roll. Relax, go at your own pace, always use protection, and remind yourself to be respectful of your partner and yourself since both of you are susceptible to — but not controlled by — hormones. When in doubt, wait! Choice is complicating but eventually empowering!

Safety
I’ve mentioned this so many times before, but be reasonable and cautious. Dating should be fun — not a walk on the wild side — so make sure you meet a stranger in a public place, make sure someone knows where you are, and use your cell phone initially — don’t give your home address or business phone number or address until you know each other really well. Wait to have sex until you feel safe enough to give out a home number. Use protection and floss after meals.

Cell phones and dating

To say cell phones have become ubiquitous doesn’t begin to explain how common they are. My daughter visited Thailand and was astonished to discover that in a country where the average income is $700, everybody had a cell phone!
With regard to dating, the first thing that you should know about a cell phone is that unless you’re late for a date or lost and trying to get in touch with your date by cell phone, turn it off! A date is not the time to show how popular you are by letting your date know how many people call you. That’s why voice mail was invented. The worst-case scenario I’ve ever seen was a couple walking down the street and holding hands, while both of them were talking on their cell phones, so you know they weren’t talking to each other. This kind of behavior really makes no sense. Cell phone addiction is evidence of that need for speed and urgency thing, always having to be in touch and feeling like you might be missing something if you’re not connected. I actually once did a story about countries where a person having sex is more likely to answer his or her cell phone. If this is you, stop! Get up from the couch, go look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “What are my priorities? When did I become so addicted to being that in touch?”
Another problem with cell phones is that everything on your cell phone bill is going to be listed by phone number. Anybody opening your cell phone bill is going to know exactly who you’ve been taking too, what time of day, and for how long. Star 69 and caller ID have also made both stalking and cheating something that you really can’t do with much success anymore. If you’re dating more than one person and being less than candid with either, chances are you’ll be busted by your trusty cell bill. Use the disposability and portability of cells to your advantage by only giving out your cell number until you’ve had a number of face-to-face dates and then only if you feel really secure.

Instant Messaging and Chat Rooms

Instant messaging
Instant messaging has become part of the Internet scene, enabling you to get in touch with somebody immediately and talk in real time to them in a completely artificial while seemingly urgent way. Instant messaging discourages self-censoring, voice clues, or reality-based feedback loop. If you’re angry with one another (or even if you’re not), you may end up typing something that you might not have said if you had a little longer to think it through. Although you do get an instant response, it’s not the same as a conversation, so things like tone, sense of humor, and irony really do get lost in typing. No matter how you cut it, communicating through the Internet really is simply typing.

Chat rooms
Chat rooms are another part of the fantasy world of the Internet. They’ve been known to be very disruptive to relationships even when they’re not suggestive or pornographic, and when they are, Nelly bar the door! And for those of you who view Internet porn as harmless or private, beware! Because Internet porn is so instantly available (it doesn’t even come in a wrapper anymore), it’s right there in front of your keyboard. Women tend to be grievously offended by it, and men tend to think, what’s the big deal? If Internet porn is part of your life and you’re dating, you need to think through what you’re really doing here, what your intent is, and what happens if you get caught. Remember that very few things are private anymore.

Online dating

Even when Internet dating was in its infancy, I understood the advantage and disadvantages of the computer as cupid — in a word, dramatically increasing the pool of potential dates, as well as offering options, which is never a bad thing. It gives people an opportunity to “meet” people from different social circles, creating the delightful sense that somebody wonderful is just around the corner (as long as one is able to resist endless corner peering). Then as now, it’s important to online date for a minimum amount of time before going in-life. My basic rule of thumb is that you should have no more than a couple of e-mail chats and phone calls over a couple of weeks before you meet somebody face to face.

The last time I checked, literally millions of people are online dating. On a more personal level, I know 12 couples who met online (not all of whom have admitted to having allowed a computer to match make). Here’s the good news and bad news about online dating.

• The good news about online dating is that it does increase the number of possibilities and can be morale boosting to see how many people are around and available, plus it gives you an opportunity to shop.
• The bad news is that it can be impersonal, time consuming, and addictive, with a large dollop of fantasy, and there’s a tendency to shop. People tend not to be incredibly honest about who they are, what they’re looking for, their weight, age, marital history, their past, their sex, whether they’re straight or gay, because it is fantasy. Married people have been known to pretend that they were single; gays, straight; older people, young; young people, older. But if nothing else, it’ll give you the sense that there are people out there.

Dating in Today's Politic

The terror attacks of September 11 have also changed the social landscape forever. The realization that life could be so dramatically fleeting and unpredictable meant folks rethought relationships suddenly: broke up, or committed to one another foregoing — perhaps forever — the sense that we all have all the time in the world. Dating in this context has taken on a level of intensity and urgency, with people often looking for instant meaning in an inappropriate way — make my life meaningful, make me happy, make it all worthwhile — a heavy burden indeed for a process that was invented to be light, delicate, and lengthy. Modern dating has always worked best as a carefree, pleasant, experience, at least initially, but that evaporated after September 11. Questioning whether coupledom or bringing children into this world was a good idea was offset by the questioning of the willingness to be alone if the world was about to end. The simple question of “Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with you?” has been altered by the fear factor in general and by the threat of terrorism on a daily basis. Intellectually, people may have understood that anybody could perish at anytime, but September 11 drove home that point in a dramatic and tragic way.

Dating in Today's Media

In addition to the census, demographic data, and the changing realities, television shows in the 21st century have significantly changed the dating landscape since popular notions perpetuated by the media, while originally fantasy, have a strange habit of morphing into our shared reality. Dating shows have always been a part of the TV landscape, but the bar has been raised, or lowered, depending on how you look at it. In addition to the traditional plethora of inane dating shows, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?, Who Wants to Marry My Dad?, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and My Big, Fat, Ugly Fiancé have not only made dating a blood sport but convinced the viewing public that hot tubs and serial necking in front of a TV camera are normal aspects of dating. Rules about no kissing on the first date and no sex until the third date seem laughably out of fashion if you watch television. Dating as a competitive sport — complete with body contact and backbiting — has cheapened, degraded, and sexualized dating as well as increased hostility in ways we’re not even completely aware of. Okay, so most of us probably look at television dating shows and say, “That’s ridiculous!” We know that a lot of editing and prompting goes on. But we are all influenced, subtly and not so subtly, by these shows in how we date, how we view the opposite sex, our own behavior, and what’s acceptable and what’s not. Reality TV has made competition, mean spiritedness, and just plain nastiness part of the social landscape between men and women, making the war between the sexes appear as a bombed-out landscape with few survivors and multiple casualties. Adding to the general confusion is the fact that so many television shows suggest that being gay is not only acceptable but hip and nearly ubiquitous, which has certainly increased the potential for at least considering yourself bisexual, or even more terrifying, having your partner consider him or herself bisexual. Thus dating has become a question of will or won’t your date come out of the closet after you get to know each other. Interestingly enough, the statistics on the percentage of the population reported and reporting as gay is unchanged since Alfred Kinsey’s studies 60 years ago. Thirty years ago, TV would have you believe no one was gay; today TV would allow you to assume everybody is gay.

Dating in Today's World

Dating has changed, marriage is changing, gender roles are changing. There are now more single people living by themselves than ever before in the history of the world. This tendency, coupled with the reality that life expectancy has nearly doubled in the last century, means that individuals are concluding that they can hold off on marriage or not marry at all, options that mean that dating doesn’t necessarily point in the direction of settling down as it once did and settling down could mean spending many decades with one person if they marry early, prompting them to proceed cautiously.

Statistically, more people are marrying and remarrying than ever before:

Concerns about fertility are balanced by women deciding that they can have children without the benefit of a partner, another factor that has radically altered the dating landscape. Some people who are raising children are dating but have never married and don’t intend to.

If all this makes your head spin, you are not alone.

Slow down yourself

Admittedly, human beings, when it comes to love, have always been impatient — even though Diana Ross, or at least her momma, said, “You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait!” People are under more pressures now to race dating at the speed of light when instead they should be taking very small baby steps, exercising due diligence, and noticing in minute detail what’s going on. I know that the temptation is to close your eyes and just go for it. Falling makes it seem much more fun, scary, exciting, and fast, but it’s not very productive if you’re looking for more than just cheap thrills. I sort of invented speed dating, accidentally, when I first had a TV show in 2000. Speed dating, as it has evolved, usually gives participants six or seven minutes with each potential date, but I gave them three minutes to convince somebody to go out with them, though I was there to offer encouragement or redirect the Burger King philosophy of life: Quick, hot, juicy, and your way work in some places, just not in dating! The need for speed is triggered by two equal and opposite tendencies: Ironically, couples are marrying earlier (obvious sexual urgency) and later (increasing fertility concerns), with women feeling that if they wait any longer they won’t have the option of raising children of their own.