Starting Over

The most important thing about a really bad date is making sure you don’t obsess to the extent that you vow, “Never again.” Becoming a hermit is not the antidote to a lousy date. Problem solving is. Figure out what you can do differently next time and get back in the race. Figure out what went awry and learn from the experience; you won’t have to join a religious order with a vow of silence, solitude, and celibacy.
Don’t rush into another date with just anybody, but do put this experience in perspective. Hey, it was one crummy date — no need to be bummed out about it endlessly. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get ready to date all over again. Be thankful you both agreed on at least one thing — it didn’t work. Beware of the Groucho Marx School of Life that says, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.” In the world of dating, this if-they’ll-have-me-I-don’t-want-them mentality translates into two unappealing possibilities: “If they hate me, they must be really cool and have figured out the real me” or — even worse — “Nobody rejects me first. I’ll charm them so they’ll like me, and then I’ll reject them.” Take my advice: If it’s lousy for both of you, let it go and be done with it. Amen.

Reviewing Expectations

One bad date doesn’t mean much; a string of bad dates may mean a lot. If you keep thinking this one is “the one” and are wrong again and again, it may be time to stop, look, and listen.
When you get home, evaluate your expectations and examine your dating patterns. Only then can you stop making the same mistakes over and over. Answer the following questions in your dating notebook so you have a basis on which to begin analysis, understanding, and change.

• What qualities must your ideal date absolutely, positively have?
• What must your ideal date not be?
• Why was this date a disaster?
• Think back to the last disaster date you had — what things went wrong then? (If this is your first bad date, skip this question.)
• Looking back over your lists, are there any similarities between what you put on the “My date must not be” list and the (one or) two “disaster date” lists?

If so, nail those little suckers and write them down. Is there a pattern? Is there a pit into which you keep falling? If your ideal date must not be rude, obese, or boring, and your disaster dates were rude, thin, and boring, perhaps you didn’t look too far beyond the outer package when the date was first set up. Or if all your disaster dates turn out to be so self involved they may as well be out with themselves, perhaps you don’t know how to spot a narcissist early on.

Five signs you really do hate each other

• A piece of cilantro is stuck to your date’s chin, and you don’t bother to mention it. Your date knows it’s there and doesn’t bother to remove it.
• You both could describe every detail of the door but don’t know what color your date’s eyes are.
• If it were videotaped, your conversation would make it on America’s Most Boring Videos.
• You have to keep explaining punch lines.
• Your mouths are killing both of you from all that fake smiling.

How to Exit with Style?

The moment has arrived. You’ve finally faced up to the ugly truth: You’d both rather be anywhere but together, and a root canal is sounding better by comparison. Resist the temptation to duck out the back, make a mad dash for the door, or order a cab instead of dessert. The true measure of your soul is how you handle disaster. We can all be classy when the going is good. True style and honor come from handling bad situations well. Don’t worry. You don’t have to sit there and imagine gnawing your foot off so you can escape the trap. You can call this one off — but do it with panache. Say:

• “Let’s skip coffee and chalk this up to experience.”
• “I’m ready to call it a night. You?”
  
• Can I give you a lift home?” (No need to be ugly.)
• “I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”
• “Let’s toast this valiant effort and get the check.”

Again, don’t lie. Don’t say you’ll call. Don’t say you had a great time when you didn’t. Just end the date quickly and cleanly.

What to do if your date went wrong?

So there you are. Sitting across from your date, or next to him or her, or in the bathroom staring at your reflection, afraid to face the truth. Don’t. Face it. If you feel unhappy and sense that your date is miserable, too, denial only makes matters worse. Instead, do this:

• Trust your instincts. If it feels all wrong, it probably is — even if both of you are smiling and making nice.
• Ask. There’s nothing wrong with asking your date whether what you’re sensing is actually the truth. I wouldn’t go so far as to blurt out, “Do you hate me as much as I hate you?” but asking if the discomfort in the air is real is really a good start.
• ’Fess up. If your date is having as lousy a time as you are, he or she may ask you what’s the matter. Tell the truth. Admit that things aren’t zipping along as well as you’d hoped and ask if your date feels the same way.
• Let it be. Now is not the time to muse over what’s going wrong. If there’s no spark, this date’s never going to jump-start, no matter how carefully you peer under the hood.

Total turnoffs in dating

Although, theoretically, loathe at first sight should be no more or less common than love at first sight, loathing isn’t always a slow-build. Here are ways to completely turn each other off in an instant:

_ Neglecting to shower
_ Eating like a pig
_ Dressing like a hooker
_ Talking only about yourself
_ Abusing the waiter or clerk
_ Whining
_ Drinking too much
_ Showing up stoned
_ Talking about sex
_ Insulting each other
_ Insulting anybody else
_ Acting superior
_ Being a bigot
_ Copping a feel
_ Taking your shoes off in the car

If you discover that you really can’t stand the person you’re with — and you have a pretty good idea that the feeling is mutual — face the moment of truth without wasting another moment of your precious life.

Speed bumps

Everything you and your date say and do from the moment you meet is recorded and processed and filed in both of your brains. Unless you turn each other off from the get-go, a sense of dissatisfaction, disappointment, and unease usually builds until you realize, “Uh-oh, this date isn’t working out. I’m definitely not having fun, and I don’t want to be here.”
The tricky thing is making sure it’s not just nerves or fear or shyness or arrogance that’s convinced you guys you’re having a rotten time. So first — a quick reality check. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I relaxed, or am I tense and fearful?
Being vulnerable and letting another human being get close can be very scary stuff. Just like any other animal, scared humans sometimes lash out to keep other “threatening” animals at bay, or they retreat to the safety of their cave or shell. Perhaps this is what both of you are doing right now. If you’re so tense that your true personality is hidden beneath a mass of knotted muscles, your date may dislike the tension, not you. You’re not allowing the real you to emerge. If you feel completely stressed-out, take a few deep breaths or excuse yourself to the restroom and do three minutes of square breathing

Is my date relaxed?
The same standard that applies to you (see the preceding item) applies to your date. Your date may be so wracked with nerves that every response is stilted, every laugh forced, every reaction pretentious. Stress doesn’t make anyone likable. Do what you can to make your date feel comfortable:
Be friendly, initiate conversation, pull back a little. Try not to judge the success or failure of your date until things get a bit more relaxed.

Is it something my date said?
Sometimes, one careless remark can send a whole date careening downhill. A friend of mine, who’d just changed the color of her hair, had a date attempt to make a joke. “Did they have a sale on red?” he asked her. Understandably, she was insulted, but she didn’t say anything. Later her date told me he found her “cold and distant.” She thought he had the class of a slug. Both were probably just really nervous. Human beings are complex creatures. One dumb remark does not a personality make. Make sure there’s sufficient evidence to write the whole thing off. It’s perfectly okay to say, “Wow, that comment seemed kind of hostile.” Make sure you’re not letting other, relatively minor things like imperfect table manners, height, weight, sense of humor, style, driving habits, or dancing ability (or lack thereof) trigger a turnoff. You’re both in a heightened emotional state, and your behavior may be exaggerated. Let things settle down before evaluating the whole date.

Facing Facts

A date is a level three experience: Level one is meeting someone, talking on the phone, chatting online, staring longingly at the back of his or her head all semester in class. On level one, there’s enough of a connection and attraction to warrant venturing into level two. Level two is a little pre-date interaction, which gets pretty quickly to level three, the date. Unless this is a totally blind date, meaning you’re set up with someone you’ve never even spoken to before, it’s safe to say there are at least some good feelings passing back and forth between the two of you before your date begins. Once the date gets going, however, the connection and attraction will be tested and tried on for size — from both sides. Liking or not liking each other is rarely an instant evaluation. Luckily, most of us are willing to give somebody a bit more time because we’d like them to give us a bit more of a chance, too. Deciding whether you want to invest a bit more time and effort in getting to know someone is a process of evaluating lots of verbal and nonverbal cues.