Picking the perfect date by birth order

If you want to know more about a guy or girl you’re dating, the family tree is a good place to look. Certain personality traits, unique to birth position, tend to show up again and again in family after family. For instance:

• The oldest child: He or she will tend to be bossy, super-responsible, competitive, and assertive.
• The middle child: A people pleaser, he or she will often “make nice” in an effort to keep things calm. Middle kids tend to be the diplomats in the family and in life. It’s hard to get them to take a stand or figure out what they really want, and they can be a bit manipulative.
• The youngest child: Adventurous, creative, and confident, youngest children also tend to be hyperemotional and needy at times. They like being babied.
• The only child: After a childhood of being in the spotlight of their families, only children tend to crave attention and will aggressively and charmingly seek it from you. They tend to be disproportionately successful.

Places to Avoid for Dating

You may be sorely tempted to go scouting for a date at the office, at a bar, or online at work, but don’t. Trust me.

• The office: I know, you think, “Well, it’s nonthreatening and familiar.” Yeah, and everybody will know about it, and one of you will very likely get fired. Work is about competence, and anything that interferes with that is poison. Most of us succumb to the M*A*S*H philosophy of life, based on the popular TV series, but think about it this way: Want to lose your job and your love at the same time? Dating someone from the office confuses your work life with your love life and makes you a likely target of office gossip. You may be tempted to date friends, sibs, or exes of people you work with, but doing so is still not a good idea, so don’t, at least unless you plan to change jobs — voluntarily.
• Bars: “What can she possibly be thinking here?” you may wonder. How about it’s dark, almost everybody has been ingesting substances that alter perception, and who needs a relationship based on blurred sensibilities? Plus bars are too noisy to talk in, and you can’t see what the person looks like. If nothing else, how do you answer, “Come here often?”
• Online: Even though I’m a fan of online dating, there are four caveats here: 1) Never use the office computer — it’s not private, it’s not smart, and you could get both busted and fired. 2) Don’t spend too long online before you actually meet in a safe, controlled environment. 3) Because it’s so easy and private, the resultant false sense of intimacy can allow you to divulge too much too soon. 4) The accessibility gives rise to a “shopping” mentality — “I’ll just keep looking; I wonder who else might be out there. . . .” Online is primarily about fantasy. It’s the illusion of intimacy while still being at arm’s length. When you do meet face to face, there is all that expectation. Even with a blind date, you know that you don’t know. It’s okay to chat, but online is the ultimate long-distance relationship. You’ll think you know much more than you really know, and that’s really tricky. So get off-line quickly.
• Singles dances: The air of desperation is palpable, but if you can go and have fun, you’ll probably do okay, because you’ll stand out as the only person really having a good time.
• Singles weekends: These weekends mean too much stress and expectations that are too high. You’re better off spending the same money and taking a cruise; at least that way you can feel your money is well spent even if you don’t fall in love.

Singles activities are designed to pair you off, but you may have nothing in common but desperation or loneliness, which won’t work and doesn’t make you look anything but pathetic. If you’re going to adopt this approach, at least build up some experience and confidence by doing some of the preferred activities included in the earlier sections.

The personals: Online and off

If you’re going to write a personal ad, find a journal, newspaper, or magazine that reflects your interests and is available in your geographical area. For example, if you enjoy sailing, then (“Hi sailor, new in town?”) a sailing magazine may be a great place to place an ad. Or if you have a publication that you read regularly — whether it’s the Times, the Mirror, a daily or weekly paper, or a special interest magazine based on skills, industry, geography, sports, interests, or income — a personal ad allows you to connect with readers with whom you have something in common. As long as you’re going to the trouble and expense of placing a personal ad, be specific and pick a publication that reflects who you are, not who you’d like to be.
If you write well and can be very specific about who you are and what you want, personal ads can work out well. The main thing is to play it safe:

• Don’t provide any identifying information (such as an address or phone number) in the ad.
• Meet in a public place.
• Tell someone where you’re going and when you plan to be home.
• Don’t let anyone bring you home.

A personal ad is a good way to jazz up your social life, but remember that this person is a stranger. Use the same caution you would with anyone you don’t know and see Chapter 26 for information about dating someone you haven’t “officially” met.

The same general rules that apply to print personal ads apply to online dating. It’s in the same way that 20 years ago, the personals were considered fringe and then moved into mainstream. Although five years ago the Internet was considered marginal and overtly sexual, primarily for kinky liaisons or questionable activities or participants, these days Internet dating is pretty darn mainstream and popular, encompassing literally millions of people. Although some people may still be a bit shy about admitting to online dating (how come I can’t find a date the “usual” way?), millions of folks view the Internet as a great way of increasing the pool of eligible possibilities. ) In a nutshell, your profile should look very much like the one that you would put in a magazine or newspaper: Pretend that you’re paying by the word (even though you’re not) so that you are succinct and specific.

There have been studies that suggest that the longer the personal ad (when wordage is charged) the greater the response implying the author’s vast and unlimited bank account. Because there is no per-word charge for online ads, the green effect is less likely, and going on and on may make you look desperate, lonely, and disorganized. Be succinct, by giving an idea of who you are and what makes you unique, as well as specifically who you’re looking for.

Friends, relatives, and — believe it or not — exes

The less strange the stranger you’re finding to date, the easier and more comfortable the early stages. People you both know and trust are a great bridge. Whom can you trust more than your friends, your Mom, or your ex (assuming that you two are still friendly)?

• Friends: Fix-ups are good news/bad news. On the good side, your friends presumably wouldn’t fix you up with Jack (or Jackie) the Ripper, and they probably know you well enough to know what you like. On the bad side, often they want to know specifics, may choose sides, and will likely be miffed if you don’t treat their friend right, don’t come up with the details, or don’t spend as much time with them as you used to because you’re seeing the friend. All things considered, fix-ups are often worth the risk of somebody knowing your business, especially if your friends are perceptive and know cool people.
• Relatives: Isn’t it fascinating what people who love us think we’ll love? This outlet has all the problems of a friend fix-up with the added problems of gossip and the inability to ever go home for Thanksgiving if it doesn’t work out. On the other hand, presumably they do love you and will have to answer to your Mom if they come up with a real loser.
• Exes: Allowing your ex to fix you up with someone can be a bit dicey (after all, an ex with an ax to grind can come up with a doozy of a loser). On the other hand, who knows ya, baby? Whether you agree to such a fix-up or not probably depends on the comfort of the break-up. If it was super icky, you’re probably not speaking anyhow. But if your ex is still a friend and other signs seem right, go for it. If your split-up was marked by scream fests and flying fur, and you still refer to each other by unprintable expletives, my advice is to politely decline.

Sports and Dating

You’ve probably always known that physical activity is good exercise and great for your heart. You just didn’t know how great until now. Attention couch potatoes: There are dating benefits to being even a spectator at a sporting event, but active is best!

• Sport teams: Even if you’re a klutz, find a sport to play. It’s generally safe, it’s fun, it’s physical, and team members almost always get together afterwards — especially if they win. Even if you view yourself as the ultimate klutz or hated gym, more and more leagues are demanding co-ed-ness (please don’t tell my English teacher I used that word).
  
• Health clubs: Health clubs have a lot going for them: You’re among other people doing essentially the same thing. You see the same familiar group of people all the time. Keep in mind though that most people are in spandex and therefore often a bit shy, so be willing to go slowly.
• Individual sports: Even if you embrace the loneliness of the long-distance runner, skier, mountain climber, shot putter, or cycler, there are clubs that support your individuality while having great parties, useful Web sites, and like-minded souls. If you run into the same person daily as you scoot around the reservoir or walk your dog or peddle uphill, smile as you gasp.
• _ Sporting events: Most people are really relaxed when they watch sports —unless it’s the playoffs — and they are quite willing to explain what’s going on or to argue about who’s best. So asking the cute person next to you, “Why did the ref call that penalty?” will likely result in a smile and an explanation.

Spiritualism and altruism — a dating duo

The tips in this section can be good for a two-fer: good works and good vibes —a cool dating possibility:

• Places of worship: Many churches, mosques, temples, synagogues, and other places of worship or spiritual activities have special singles services and events, figuring that they’re safe and familiar and spiritual and, with any luck at all, have the potential to increase the wedding business. The only problem here is that you can’t date lots and lots of folks at the same place of worship, or you’ll get a bad rep. So either be selective or plan to change congregations should the need arise.
• Volunteer activities: Being your most altruistic self is hard to resist, and having something in common with another altruistic soul gives you lots to talk about. Just make sure that you like the activity itself. After all, you don’t want to end up licking hundreds of envelopes to save sperm whales because you heard fishermen have great poles.
• Political campaigns: Political campaigns offer a nearly perfect environment because volunteers share a common goal, campaigns don’t go on forever, and the atmosphere is exciting and intense.

Looking for a date in grocery stores, bus stops, and other public places

Ordinary places can be extraordinarily effective as meeting and greeting grounds:

• Grocery stores: Buying food in the local market has that comfort/ familiarity/nurturing thing going. It’s a (usually) nonthreatening environment, you’ve probably been there before, and if no one datable happens to meander in front of your grocery cart or pause invitingly in the produce section, you can still pick up your milk and Ding-Dongs.
• Bus stops: Waiting at the same place and at the same time every day creates a sense of community. You see each other — and every other regular passenger — here all the time, and you can sit together. The trick here is to go slowly (pun intended). Don’t worry unless the person you’re interested in moves or switches jobs; you have plenty of time. _ Laundromats: What’s more domestic than airing your once dirty, now clean, laundry in public? Always carry extra fabric softener and change (you never know who may need to borrow something) and under no circumstances mention underwear.
• Bookstores: In some bookstore chains, you can curl up in a big comfy chair and listen to jazz quartets — and even be tempted to chat each other up. And if you happen to spy some cutie perusing your favorite author’s latest, discussing the finer points over a soy latte in the bookstore café seems fun, savvy, and safe. Somehow being picked up in a bookstore seems really smart, dontcha think?
• Restaurants: Asking to join someone sitting alone is a bit iffy. If the person says yes, you don’t have to eat alone, but if the person says no, you may lose your appetite. I once got up the nerve, after I’d finished my meal, to ask someone if he would like company, and he said no; he really liked eating alone. I was so rattled that I left the restaurant without signing my bill, and the waiter came running after me. But if you have nerves of steel, go for it. My experience is mercifully unusual. Most folks would be both charmed and charming!
• Airplanes: You’re both together, going to the same place, side by side, with a flight attendant to take care of everything you need — in addition to the hint of being united against a common danger in the clouds. Hey, don’t miss the opportunity. Buses and trains have much of the same criteria, but a little less cool of the factor. (Still, some pretty cool movies have focused on train trips; think about the possibility of meeting a Cary Grant, Mimi Rodgers, Gene Hackman, or Ingrid Bergman in the dining car.)

Dating in parties, vacations, and other fun stuff

Fun places are some of the best places to scout out datables. Everybody’s relaxed, open, less uptight, and prepared to be happy and smile (it’s the reason for so many vacation romances). Here are a few of the best places to look:

• Parties: In terms of comfort, meeting someone at a party offers one of the same advantages that meeting someone in your neighborhood offers:
  You both know somebody in common.
  
• Cruises: Cruises can be the perfect vacation if you’re single, especially if you don’t emphasize the need to meet someone. Cruises meet the criteria for comfort and safety and, after a day or so, familiarity. Just be aware that vacation atmospheres are more fantasy than reality, but don’t overlook the potential here.
  
• Movies: Not everybody in line is coupled up; lots of singles go to movies, so the line into the movie, especially if it’s a long line, is not a bad place to get to know somebody. If you have the time to get to know each other before the movie begins, offering to share popcorn can work, too. (Yeah, I know the old joke about the chicken in the popcorn box. Puh-leeeeze.) But if you talk in the movie, I’ll give you a piece of my mind.
  
• Dances: Folk dancing is great, as is square dancing, because the caller tells you what to do, and you’re always changing partners. Ballroom dancing is a bit iffier in that there is a huge premium put on doing it well, and you’re pretty up-close and personal with someone. But if you love to dance and you’re good at it and you don’t mind your feet getting stomped occasionally, dancing does meet the something-in-common, sorta nonthreatening thing.
  If the music is loud, it’s often hard to talk when you’re dancing. If it’s disco, forget about it — you’ll never hear a word each other speaks, but then again, at least you don’t actually have to follow your partner.
  

How to look for someone to date in your neighborhood?

You may find some very datable people in your own neighborhood. Familiarity breeds comfort, and feeling safe and making the other person equally comfortable are important. So somebody you frequently run into or who knows the people you know works for both of you.
Dating a neighbor has some advantages:

• You may already be acquainted with each other, and therefore, the situation isn’t as scary as approaching or being approached by a stranger — and making somebody feel safe is a priority in this exercise.
• You probably run into the person often, giving you plenty of opportunities to take the bull by the horns (so to speak).
• You probably know many of the same people. The only reservation about dating someone in your neighborhood is that you should be careful about next-door neighbors. If the thing doesn’t work out, the possibilities of being spied on increase greatly. Even if they don’t own binoculars, the “bump intos” could feel uncomfortable, awkward, painful, or embarrassing.

Finding a date in school

High schools, colleges, and adult education classes are all dating mills. You can sit next to somebody in class for weeks, smile shyly, and eventually get up the nerve to say, “Hi” or “Can I borrow your notes?” or “A bunch of us are going for coffee.” So number one on the list of places to meet somebody is a classroom: high school, college, traffic school, cooking school, power squadron course, art history course, computer course — you get the point. Find something you’ve always wanted to learn about and take a course. Even if you don’t see any datables in your classroom, you’re out of the house, learning and relating, and your chem partner may have a cute sibling who’s single.

Searching for the Best Places to Meet Someone

The best places to meet people are ones in which

• You can see clearly, hear clearly, and respond honestly.
• You have an interest in what’s going on, increasing the likelihood that you’ll have something in common with anyone you meet there.
• The atmosphere feels safe and familiar.

It makes no sense to hang out in places where you hate the activity. Doing so is kind of like people who feed their babies Gerber’s veal and then are surprised when their kids like only veal, which the parents never eat. Hang out in places where you would be happy even if you weren’t searching, and — bingo! —you’re happy.
A place you enjoy, where you feel comfortable and safe, solves the problem of what to talk about. The key is to be lighthearted about approaching a stranger. The situation is similar to baking a soufflé. You need to tread gently and avoid loud noises, early peeks, or banging doors. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a dessert that nobody wants — flat, ugly, and unappetizing — despite the effort and right ingredients you put into it.

How to overcome shyness?

Most people are a little shy around new people, especially people to whom they’re attracted. A little shy is okay. A lot shy can keep you from the three fundamentals of dating: 1) getting out there, 2) taking chances, and 3) enjoying life. These are the three fundamentals to dating, so it’s important to shake that shyness if it’s getting in the way. To do that, here’s some stuff you can try:

• Meander around a busy public place for an hour or two so you get used to being around people.
• Practice smiling and making eye contact. Lift your chin off your chest and nonverbally connect with people who seem nice and interesting to you. (No touching; just look and smile.)
• Decide to chat with one new person a week. You can do this in the grocery store, the school cafeteria, or the line at the bank. Nothing breeds success like success.
  
• Act “as if.” If all people waited until they were totally comfortable before trying anything new, no one would do anything new! Pretend you’re not shy and act “as if” you’re full of confidence.
• Calm yourself by telling yourself over and over again that you’re safe and everything’s going to be okay. Say it aloud in private and in your head in public as often as necessary.
  
• Identify the worst-case scenario. What’s the most hideous thing that could happen if you walked up to someone you liked and said, “Hi”? Putting a face on your fear helps reduce it to a manageable size. For example, the worst thing that might happen is the person turns around and walks away. Yeah, rejection hurts, but you’re not going to die from it. Acceptance feels great, and you’ll never experience it if you don’t take a chance.
• Have fun! Shift the focus away from your own fears and zero in on what makes someone else tick. Before you know it, you’ll forget all about being shy.

A Word about Attitude — Yours

Before I begin listing some of the good places to find somebody fun, let me encourage you to be open — not open-minded about what I’m going to suggest, but open to spontaneity. If you’re in Macy’s and a great-looking person asks whether a particular color looks good with his or her hair, you should hear bells and whistles: potential date, potential date, potential date. Potential dates are everywhere, once you start looking. Just keep a few things in mind:

• Be aware. Both men and women are understandably cautious about being picked up by strangers, so if you’re the one doing the approaching, the hallmarks of your approach have to be gentility, civility, humor, and gentleness. Otherwise, somebody’s likely to call the cops on you. I know — so what’s the problem? Cops are cute. Pay attention here; I’m being serious.
• Be considerate. If someone has found the courage to approach you and you’re not interested, unless they’re really, really scary, say no civilly. You don’t have to be nasty.
• Don’t panic. If I were to promise you that you would meet the person of your dreams in ten years, and the two of you would be wildly happy for the rest of your lives, would you be willing to wait that ten years? Of course you would. So assume that meeting your dreamboat is just a matter of time and, in the meantime, have fun, which definitely increases your chances of being appealing when you run into that date-to-be ten minutes, months, years, or decades from now.