Why you should not whining?

Whining is the vocal manifestation of house arrest, pity parties, blaming, and comparing. It’s hard to listen to, will give you wrinkles, and is social suicide. Nobody likes a whiner, which makes it so remarkable that all of us do it from time to time. The worst of it is, the more we whine, the whinier we feel, so make a big sign with a goblet inside a circle and put a slash through it. Get it? No whine (or wine, as the case may be).
Occasionally whining is okay — that’s what friends and family are for — but the amount of time you spend whining should certainly be no more than the amount of time you’re willing to spend listening to someone else whine.

Putting yourself under house arrest

If the first way to get on with this dating stuff is to get out there, don’t put yourself in prison, even if it’s homey and comfortable to begin with. It is very unlikely that someone is going to come up to your door and ask you for a date (and even if they do, think about what you’d be wearing . . .). Don’t allow yourself to fall into the La Brea Tar Pits in front of your TV. Get out and be active — and that doesn’t mean finding a neighborhood bar as a substitute home away from home either. Bars aren’t the best place to find anybody other than lonely people drinking in the dark. Let’s make a deal: Avoid any place with bars — they’re all a kind of lock-up and confining. Let yourself be free.

Beating up Mom

I’ve already told you not to blame yourself and not to blame the entire opposite sex. Unfortunately, these days, I may need to remind you not to blame anybody else either: not your parents or your first grade teacher or your baby-sitter. If you think you’ve got a problem because of something that someone did or didn’t do at an earlier time in your life, ask yourself whether there is anything you could ask of that person now — other than an apology — that would help you. (Styles of parenting change every ten years or so, which means everybody gets caught. Most of our parents did the best they could with what they had, and the rules keep changing.)

If you think your mental health and dating abilities would be helped if you had a better relationship with your dad, get baseball tickets and invite him, but don’t expect him to apologize for the person he is. He may not have been the perfect dad, but you may not have been the perfect kid, either, so let it go. Or find a therapist.

If talking to your mom about the things she told you about sex would help —and if you can manage such a discussion without making her feel defensive or guilty — go for it. If you can’t manage it without making her feel bad, you’ll end up feeling awful, too. Then what have you accomplished? Blame locks you in the past and makes someone right and someone wrong, which means it’s likely that someone’s going to fight you if you’re blaming them, or if you’re doing the “it’s all my fault” routine, you’re making yourself unhappy. Who needs it? So go to a therapist or go to a ball game, but whatever you do, get on with it. Figure out what to do differently and let’s go.

Beating yourself up

Beating yourself up is a waste of time and painful, and because you’re the only person you are guaranteed to be with your whole life, why hurt yourself? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take stock when something has gone really wrong. Who needs to walk into a propeller blade more than once?
Instead of beating yourself up, why not ask yourself what you could do differently next time? Make sure your answer is very, very specific.

Throwing pity parties

You can see how viewing your life as a beauty contest is hopeless and selfdefeating and just a short step away from a pity party — you know, woe is me, no one likes me or loves me, I can’t get a date, I’m doomed to spending the rest of my life alone diapering cats, I think I’ll go eat worms.

The self-loathing can move from face and body (I’ve got a zit farm and a spare tire that any sports utility vehicle would envy) to heart and soul (I’m not a worthwhile person) with incredible speed. If you really feel you absolutely must throw a pity party, stay in bed for a day, play sad music, feel incredibly sorry for yourself, and then cut it out. It’s boring and no fun to be around and very counter-productive to dating.

Why would anyone want to spend time with you if you are so self-centered and sad? . . . And if you’ve been saying the same thing to yourself — quick! —think of three cool things about yourself. If you can’t, call a therapist now. I’m not kidding. Pity parties you can decline; depression is another thing completely. See the earlier sidebar “Dealing with depression” if you’re not sure whether you’re just momentarily down on yourself or truly depressed.

Comparing yourself to others

This is not about entering the Miss USA or Mr. World contest. This is about comparing yourself to Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie or anybody you see on a billboard or a magazine. Those photos have been retouched to a fare-theewell (trust me, I’ve met and interviewed bunches of these people). They’ve been powdered, primped, airbrushed, oiled, and lit so their own moms wouldn’t recognize ’em. Besides, if you read any of the fan magazines, you know that beautiful people don’t have all that easy a time dating either. So cut it out.

While you’re at it, don’t compare yourself to the homecoming court either, male or female, or to your next-door neighbor or your older or younger sibs or your parents’ wedding picture. You are who you are, and if you want to do a little fine-tuning there, fine. (That’s not to say, of course, that you can’t change and grow, and I’m not even against plastic surgery, but not before your first date, please. Know yourself, like yourself, and work on yourself.)

But you’ll only make yourself miserable for no reason if you continue to compare your own light to someone else’s bulb. You can choose to be either a pale imitation of how someone else looks or a vibrant, one-of-a-kind you. Guess which I suggest.