Relaxing body and soul

Just before your date begins, I want you to try the following relaxation technique to make sure your body and mind are in a relaxed state. Later, as a sort of “booster shot” during your date, I want you to periodically do a relaxation “spot check.” (It’s okay to go to the restroom to relax.) You may want to scribble a few of these steps on a piece of paper to tuck into your pocket or purse.

1. Check your breathing. Look down. Is your stomach expanding with every breath? If not, stop worrying about your waistline and breathe deeply.
2. Relax your shoulders. Do they look more like earrings than shoulders? Lower those babies! While you’re at it, gently swivel your neck in a figure eight.
3. Look at your hands. If you have fingernail marks in the palms of your hands, you’re a little too tense. Lay your hands flat on your knees (you can do this under the table, and no one will be the wiser) and stretch your fingers and your palms.
4. Check your face. Particularly if you’ve been smiling non-stop, your face can freeze into an uptight mask. Open your eyes and mouth as wide as you can. Hold. Release. Note: Don’t try this at the table in the restaurant or in the front row of the play. After your date is underway, excuse yourself to the privacy of the restroom stall.
5. Check your mind. After your date is in full swing, ask yourself whether you are “scoring” the evening. You know, one point for you when your date laughs at a joke, one point for your date each time his or her fingertips brush your arm. If so, cut it out! Bring your mind back to the present moment, stop overseeing the project, and, hey, enjoy yourself!

Looking at every dater’s fears

Everyone who dates feels anxiety or stress sooner or later (usually sooner). After all, dating isn’t meant to be boring. In earlier sections, I explain the source of stress and give you techniques for coping with it. In this section, I identify the fears experienced by anyone who has dallied in the dating world so that you’ll know that you’re not the only one beset by insecurities and worries. Then I give some tips for dealing with these fears.

• I’ll say the wrong thing. If you worry that you’ll say, “I see,” to someone with really bad vision or, “I’m in a really foul mood,” to someone who looks like a duck, or make a Freudian slip or burp or blurt out the wrong name when addressing your date, join the club. It happens all the time. Just take a deep breath, apologize once, and explain that you’re nervous.
• I’ll do the wrong thing. You set your menu on fire by the votive candle or swallow down the wrong pipe and spend the next five minutes choking, gasping, and wiping your eyes; ask an usher for a program only to discover she’s really another audience member who, for some reason, thought wearing a black-collared red vest to a play would be a good idea; or mispronounce the name of something on the menu. Everybody periodically makes mistakes — and sometimes very silly ones. So why obsess about it? Relax. You’re human. If your date is cool about it, it can become part of your lore; if not, aren’t you glad you found out now?
• Broccoli will get stuck in my front teeth. You could avoid smiling all evening just in case, but what’s the fun in that? Run your tongue over your teeth occasionally, check the mirror in the restroom, or don’t order anything green. And relax. Better to take your chances with stuck broccoli rather than fidget all evening, unless you’re dating a broccoli bigot.
• I’ll get an erection. Most women won’t notice, and if your date does, she’ll likely be flattered. Don’t try spilling a glass of water on yourself as a distraction.
• I’ll get my period. Only if you wear white — just kidding. The point is, nerves rev the system. It’s natural and normal. Carry change or protection and don’t sweat it. If you’re worried, wear a panty liner just in case.
• I hate my date. You’re going out because you hope to have a nice time and good company. But what happens if your date turns out to be a huge boor, intolerably arrogant, or — eek! — the spawn of Satan.
• My date hates me. As charming and warm and funny and wonderful as you are, you’re occasionally going to stumble across a few people who just don’t like you. As hard as it may be to imagine, that’s life. If you want tips on extricating yourself from this situation with the minimum of pain.

Regardless of what your fear is, try to put it in perspective and then put it behind you. Even the most embarrassing blunders are seldom fatal. Plus they make great stories later.

Mind over what’s-the-matter

Stress can be a snowball. If you’re not careful, it’s easily an avalanche. If one thing goes wrong when you’ve let yourself become really tense, you’re suddenly tossing your hands up in the air and ready to forfeit the whole game. Don’t go there. Instead, it’s time for a reality check. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What do I really feel? Have I jammed a couple of unrelated memories and fears together to make a stress sandwich? Stop and ask yourself what’s the worst that could possibly happen? Believe it or not, allowing your fear to be specific rather than abstract, putting a face on your fear as it were, can really help because doing so defines, and then lessens, the fear. The bogeyman thrives in the dark.
• Are my nerves talking, or am I? How many times have you tripped over your tongue or your good manners and said to yourself, “I can’t believe I just said that!” If it should happen to you on your date (and it happens to everyone), ’fess up right away. Apologize. Tell your date you were momentarily possessed. Just don’t let one faux pas fester into an ugly, giant, oozing ball of stress.
• Am I trying to make sure my date doesn’t get too close? Intimacy is a scary thing. If you find yourself running for the dugout before the seventh inning stretch, get back in the game and see how it ends up.
• Is this just old family baggage I’m keeping alive? If you notice that you seem to be falling back on tired old patterns left over from childhood to make you feel comfortable, give yourself a good talking to. Take a deep breath and tell yourself you’re safe. It’s okay to feel a little afraid. Don’t worry — you’ll hold your hand every step of the way.

Stress busters

Here are some cool gadgets and gizmos on the market that can help chill you out before a date or anytime you need to kick back a bit:

• Rain chimes (the sound of falling rain)
• Aromatherapy pendants
• Relaxese Glasses (calming flickering lights)
• Herbal pillows
• Tub Tea (giant herbal tea bags for the bath)
• Meditation tapes
• Electric foot massager
• Flexaball (giant ball on which you roll around)
• Indoor fountains
• Shower massagers

All this great stuff is widely available in New Age stores or catalogs such as Stress Less (800-555-3783 or www.stressless.com).

How to create chaos?

If your family life was a roller coaster ride, you’re probably feeling the same sort of thrill/terror right now as you get ready for your date to begin. You’re likely running a teeny bit late, you’re not totally sure what you’re going to wear, and you think you know where you’re going. What you’re doing, in essence, is re-creating the same chaos you experienced as a child because that’s familiar. In this time of stress, you’re regressing to the comfortable days when, even though your family life was nutty, you knew your way around.
I can hear you now: “Just a minute, Dr. Joy . . . I’m running late because my boss called me into her office just as I was leaving.” You haven’t settled on an outfit because you weren’t sure what the weather would be. For heaven’s sake, you’re a grown-up. You don’t need to pin the directions to your sleeve — you’re pretty sure you know where you’re going!
All fine and accurate, but irrelevant. They’re cool excuses, but excuses nonetheless.
You don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t have to replay your old family scenes in your current life. You can tell your boss you have an appointment, you can wear a jacket if the weather’s cold, you can drive with confidence because you know where you’re going. You can feel cool, calm, and collected before a date. It’s a choice you can make a little more upfront so that you can sweat a little less later. Your choice: cool short-term or cool long-term (Hint: always go for the long-term — it lasts longer). If you want to never let ’em see you sweat, sweat when they’re not around. Nothing comes easily to everyone. Trust me on this.

Understanding Stress History

You can always tell more about a person by examining what they do repeatedly than by holding a magnifying glass up to one mistake or one incredibly romantic moment. Unless this is your first ever date (in which case, you can look at your behavior in other stressful situations like final exams, sports try-outs, school play auditions, and so on), think back to other first dates you’ve known. Did you feel the same way? Act in a similar manner? Call everyone in your address book and obsess for days? My guess is the answer is yes. And there’s a very simple explanation why. When stressed, we regress, which means that we revert to an earlier form of behavior that’s familiar and comfy. It’s why kids become unpottytrained when they get a new sib, or why most of us become childlike when we get sick. Often, you return to the way you behaved with your family when you were growing up. This doesn’t mean the circumstances were always good, just familiar. Remember that old joke about the man who wouldn’t stop banging his head against the wall? When asked why, he responded, “It’s the only thing I know how to do really well, and it feels really good when I stop.”
We all learned really well how to respond to stress. This does not mean we all respond really well.
Think back to the morning of one of your childhood family vacations. Or just before Thanksgiving dinner at your house. Or watching your parents get ready to go out. Pick the scenario that best describes the scene:

• Serenity reigns. The bags were packed the day before and are lined up at the front door. The kids are lined up, too, ready to march single-file into the station wagon. Or, the table was set the night before. Roasted turkey smells fill the calm air. Your mom relaxes on the couch watching her kids play tiddlywinks. Or, the baby-sitter is early, Mom is dressed and waiting, Dad has the directions in hand and made the reservation weeks ago and is always so efficient Mom never once has to ask him, “Did ya remember to . . . ?”
  
• Chaos reigns. You’re riffling through the pile of dirty laundry in the corner of your bedroom searching for your favorite T-shirt to stuff into your suitcase. Dad keeps yelling, “If you don’t get into the car now, we’re leaving without you.” Or, you’re polishing silver as the doorbell rings, the kitchen looks like Hurricane Andrew blew through, and your mother vows, “Next year, Thanksgiving is at Grandma’s!” Or, Dad is yelling at Mom, who’s been in the bathroom for the past 45 minutes, “If you don’t get in the car now, I’m leaving without you!” When Mom is finally ready, she asks your dad if he has the address where they’re going, and he says, “I thought you had it.”

If you picked the second scenario, your family is like almost everyone’s family. If you picked the first, your parents were probably hatched from an alien pod. In most families, chaos is a part of all big events, at least to some degree. Your family life was the school in which you learned how things are “supposed” to be before a big event in your life right now.

Breaking the stress wall

A stress wall is a barrier most people build to keep strangers from getting too close too soon. It keeps others at arm’s length. Like small talk, the walls we construct to protect ourselves have gotten a bum rap. When built properly (out of movable and removable building blocks rather than cement), emotional walls serve a very handy purpose. They keep dashing, yet deadly, Attila the Huns from jabbing a spear into the center of your heart, or nineheaded Hydras from swimming across your emotional moat and slithering into your life. The notion that instant vulnerability is a desirable trait is dangerous, indeed.

After all, we’re not in Eden anymore.
What I’m trying to get at is the sense that some feelings of stress are a normal and essential part of being alive, and — dare I say it? — of staying alive. Dating, by its very nature, is one big, fat unknown. It’s okay to feel a bit of trepidation. It’s good to drive cautiously with your eyes on the road and your hands at “ten and two” on the steering wheel. What’s not productive, however, is to work yourself into a tizzy because you’re suddenly convinced a serial killer must lurk in the soul of anyone who would date you or that a vengeful ex in an eighteen wheeler is about to cross the median and obliterate you. The goal of this section is to show you how to manage your stress and make it work for you, not wear you out. First, ask yourself the following questions:

• Was I sober and of sound mind when the date was originally arranged?
• Have I spoken to this person since the date was made?
• Is excitement buried beneath my feelings of stress (as opposed to dread)?
• Is this someone I would unhesitatingly introduce to my mother? If all or most of your answers are “yes,” your stress wall will probably start lowering a bit as soon as your date laughs at your first joke.

Understanding the Psychology of Stress

In previous chapters, I discuss the physiology of stress: how your body shifts into the fight-or-flight mode and pumps you up with adrenaline when you face a tense situation. Later in this chapter, I give you step-by-step instructions on how to calm those heart-racing, stomach-churning, mouth-drying, palm-sweating symptoms. Now, though, I want you to explore the other side —the psychology of stress.
Stress is your system’s response to being overtaxed by anxiety due to excess drink, sun, food, work, or even fun — too much of anything, even good stuff, stretches the boundaries. Stress is a spring that’s wound too tightly. It’s your body’s equivalent of a flashing yellow light, a Caution sign, or a Slippery when Wet warning.
When you’re just getting to know someone, your senses rally all their resources to help you evaluate whether this human being is a friend or foe. Intuition, past experiences, present observations, your ability to trust — they all come into play and keep cooking as new “cues” come your way. Until you’ve had enough positive cues to convince you that — whew! — this person is okay (he or she isn’t going to hurt me, humiliate me, or leave me holding the check), you’re going to feel a tad stressed, and the yellow light continues to flash, meaning you’re not ready to let your guard down just yet.
You can reduce your anxiety by understanding that stress is a natural and useful response to an unknown and potentially scary situation. Instead of dismissing your stress, you can leave yourself on guard and then, as you feel more confident, allow less and less of a barrier between the two of you, which is the whole point of dating. It’s okay to leave this wall of protection in place for a while, while you peek around to see what’s on the other side.