It’s chemistry

Chemistry is mentioned a lot when two people click. “I just knew,” “It was love at first sight,” “We were destined to be together,” “Soul mates” . . .
Beware. While some couples feel an instant and powerful pull to one another (which isn’t always sustainable or prolonged), for most, the response is slower and subtler. An interest. A tingle. A thrill. A desire to get closer. In a word: chemistry. A number of physiological changes take place in your body when you encounter a person who turns you on. Your pupils dilate (you want to see more of them), your heart races, your palms get sweaty. You feel energized, like you could stay up all night. And you probably could — that’s what the expression “turned on” really means. Physically, your body is totally awake, alert, and raring to go — basic biochemistry 101. Hormones turn you on — lust in its most basic, uncomplicated, thrilling form. Your body is saying, “Let’s party.”
Unfortunately, as convenient as it would sometimes be to be able to bottle it, chemistry is either there, or it’s not — and it’s impossible to fake.

Flirting Fun

Remind yourself that you’re here to have fun, and your jaw unclenches, your shoulders drop down, your eyes sparkle, your breathing slows, and you’re ready to flirt.
Flirting is a delicious, low-budget, irresistible, safe-sex sort of way to make you and your date feel tingly all over. The essence of flirting is interest. No one ever flirts with anyone they don’t want to know a little bit better. That’s why flirting on a first date can be so alluring. You’re showing your date you didn’t make a mistake. You’re interested and ready to go. What could be sexier that that? (Okay, I know, but not yet.)
Here’s a quick list of what to do (and not do) when flirting with your date:

• Use your whole body. Talking the talk without walking the walk is utterly ineffective. Don’t believe it? Try telling a woman she’s beautiful or a guy he’s hunky and then shift your eyes away, and see if you’re believed. Flirty body language begins with the eyes and works its way all the way down to the tips of your footsies. Lean forward, make eye contact, smile, bend your knees a bit, and untense your hands and arms. Remember to relax a bit; this should be fun, not like defusing a bomb.
• Make eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is very compelling. It makes a person feel like they’ve got your undivided attention, which they should.
• Smile, don’t smirk. There’s a reason why synonyms for smirk include sneer, leer, and grimace: Smirking is an unattractive and unpleasant expression. Avoid it. Smile openly and sincerely — it’s irresistible.
• Pay attention. No looking like you’re trying to remember if you fed the cat.
• Lighten up; don’t bulldoze. Telling your date he or she is incredibly hot isn’t flirting; it’s steering your dating experience directly into a mountain.
• Focus on your partner, not yourself. Without slipping into a Barbara Walters–type litany of prefabricated questions — such as “Whom do you most admire?” or “If you were a farm animal, what kind would you be?” —make your date feel as though every word is a pearl of wisdom.
• Don’t think you can’t do it. Anyone can flirt . . . even if only a little. Flirting is a sign of confidence, and even if you’re feeling a teensy bit shaky, give it a try. Practice makes perfect and flirty. You don’t have to be smooth — just sincere.
• Enjoy yourself. Fun is the flirter’s playground. Once you’re having fun, getting others to play is easy.

False Confidence

Just a word here about false confidence, the kind you purchase with alcohol or some other chemical. Don’t do it. You can’t gain confidence through some substance. It wears off, you get hung over, and it’s absolutely obvious in the worst kind of way. You may think you appear confident, but everyone else just thinks you’re drunk, high, a jerk, or all of the above. Think about how uncool you notice some people to be when you’re the designated driver —stone cold sober — and they’re three sheets to the wind. ’Nuff said. When I’m talking confidence, I’m talking the real McCoy that comes from knowing and trusting yourself, knowing that you’re not perfect but trusting that you’ll do the best you can with what you’ve got.

The secret to sex appeal

Think of the sexiest person you know. My guess is that if you take the person apart feature by feature, they may not be as good-looking as others you know with more perfect features but less élan (a cool French word for confidence, style, and poise). In any country but ours, people think of older women as incredibly sexy because they’ve come into their own and accepted themselves. Sex appeal is confidence, the ability not to ask anything of another but a willingness to offer yourself. What can be sexier?

When you’re confident enough to date

Nobody feels sure about every part of his life, and all of us feel most insecure about dealing with the opposite sex because we feel vulnerable and really want things to go well. So don’t put off dating until you feel really, really sure of yourself, because you’ll find that, by then, you’re 90 years old. Just try to bolster your confidence enough so that you’re not whiny or so incredibly needy that you’re falling apart Sweaty palms and dry mouth and a bit of anxiety are okay. You want to know how much anxiety is okay and how much is too much, right? Not an unreasonable request since dating really can drain the confidence banks. If you’re feeling really rocky on your feet, stabilize before you venture forth. Don’t wait till everything is ducky, although ducky times are the very best times to get yourself out there. Clinging to someone for dear life isn’t sexy or stable enough to work for any length of time, and the only people you’ll attract in times of trouble are control freaks who really want and need to call all the shots. Also, don’t look for a parent figure or someone as a crutch to lean on when you’re starting the dating game, or you will find that dating is not at all fun and not a game but a desperate bid for survival. You’re ready to date if

• You’ve got a stable place to live and a way to make a living.
• You have a reasonably good working relationship with your parents (okay, so long as you’re not at war; a cease fire is good enough).
• You have a friend or two hanging about.
• You know how to make yourself reasonably happy.
• You’d really like some tension and aggravation and excitement and fun and worry and uncertainty in your life.

If you can answer yes to the preceding conditions, well, bunkie, sounds like you’re ready. If you haven’t passed muster in any of the preceding, it’s time to work on your life and put off dating temporarily. If nothing else, having accomplished these things will give you a nearly giddy sense of confidence, and that’s not only the name of this chapter, but the name of the game.

Confidence builders

This post gives you some ideas about how you can go about building your confidence..

• Catalog traits you like about yourself. Start with a pencil and paper and write down the things you like best about yourself. Be specific: No sentences like “I’m really a nice person”. What does that mean? It may mean that you’re really good to animals, handle a calculator like you were born with it in your hand, make a mean burrito for your friends, have a great singing voice, or always clean your plate. So if you mean that you don’t fly off the handle every time something goes wrong, write that. The more specific the items, the better for confidence building.
• Help someone else. The ability to do something for someone else builds confidence because not only does the person you help say thank you and appreciate what you did for him, but he appreciates you in the process. So if you feel your confidence is a bit too soggy for serious interaction with the opposite sex, do someone a favor, find a volunteer activity, or deal with kids (so you can feel more powerful). The other terrific advantage of volunteer work is that you’re not locked in: You can feel good quickly and not feel like you have to stay doing something forever. Keeping some do-good stuff in your life is a way to be connected and keep a balance in your life, as well as maintain good feelings about yourself and the world at large.
• Try a challenging activity. Try doing something you didn’t think you could do. Even if you don’t do a great job, you’ll feel much better about yourself when you try something really difficult. Even succeeding at something easy often doesn’t feel as good as attempting something hard. And if you succeed at the hard stuff? Well, gangbusters! It is actually okay to feel a sense of accomplishment by doing something you know you can do. It’s a good start for confidence. Just as feelings of incompetence seem to spread, so, too, can the more positive feelings. So get out there and get started.

Square breathing

One of the ways to calm yourself when things seem scary is to understand that our bodies are machines that were designed when our brains were smaller and our reflexes had to be quicker. Our lives are testimony to those of our ancestors who possessed quick reflexes; slower folk didn’t live long enough to pass their genes along. Breathing is the key to calmness. The fight or flight response — our age-old response to real or imagined threat — depends on delivering oxygen quickly and efficiently to muscles that need to be ready for action. During this adrenaline rush, your heart rate increases, the passageways to your lungs streamline, your blood vessels redirect blood supply, and you begin to sweat. Real or perceived danger (anxiety) throws the body into overdrive, literally. Calming the breathing slows everything down.
Ordinarily, we parallel breath, in and out. To enter into a more relaxed state, practice square breathing, which is inhaling to the count of four, holding to the count of four, exhaling to the count of four, and holding for four. With practice, you can increase the intervals and slow things down even more. Not only is square breathing good for confidence building, but it’s also good for relaxation, talking to the boss about a raise, preparing for a speech, and — ta-da! — going out on a date.

Confidence on the outside

To begin on the outside, you can develop a sense of personal style — knowing what looks good on you, your own personal statement, the attention to detail that sets you apart. Regardless of your age or economic circumstances or bone structure, you can make a statement that makes you feel good about yourself, and that is the best accessory you can have whether you’re looking for a job or a loan or a date. A fun and easy way to develop a sense of personal style is to liven up your wardrobe with clothing and accessories that accentuate the traits you like best.
If you’re not sure what becomes you, take a trusted friend to a dressing room or have someone whose style you admire go with you (of course, don’t try to copy someone else’s style, but if your friend has an eye for what looks good, he or she can probably help you). Public dressing rooms are also great places to ask strangers whether they think a style looks good on you. Strangers are often brutally frank and even make suggestions. You can also ask a salesperson, but be a little careful about trusting someone who’s working on commission. The good ones are honest, but knowing which clerks to trust is hard if you haven’t shopped much at a particular store.
If you’re feeling a bit scared about trying something new, shop at a resale or discount store. These places often allow you to get more bang for your buck. Don’t spend a fortune, but be willing to experiment a bit. You don’t have to do anything drastic to find a new look. If your wardrobe consists of dark, sober colors, try livening things up with a bright blouse or scarf or striped shirt or tie; if your idea of casual wear is limited to jeans and concert T-shirts, consider getting a pair of khakis and a shirt that can be worn with or without a tie. Look through a magazine and see what look may work for you. Trust your mirror:
Which clothes do you already own that are most you-ish and most flattering? In general, wear something you like and know you look good in for a first date instead of something very different from the real you or something brand new that might pinch or fall apart or chafe. Your lucky dress or tie or color is a better choice for a first date than that brand spanking new bolero jacket you bought because you thought it looked good on Zorro or the Jacksons (either Michael, Janet, or Andrew). Also, beware especially of new shoes. They can literally cramp your style faster than anything I know. It’s hard to stride confidently into a room if you have a gigantic blister on your heel or your toes are folded back onto each other like an accordion. Clothes should be comfortable. Wearing something that looks good but feels lousy (a tootight waistband or collar) is distracting and worrisome and unproductive. How you conduct yourself has a big impact on how other people act around you. Think about someone who’s really fun to be around. Usually that person makes you comfortable because he or she is comfortable in his or her own skin. Conversely, somebody who’s nervous and fidgety and needy makes you break out in hives. Remember, people accept your version of yourself until they know you better or have some reason not to. So put on that smile, shine those shoes, remind yourself why your momma loves you, and keep in mind that everybody’s nervous on a first date. If you can allow that nervousness to be only a tiny layer of a nice, deep coat of confidence, both you and your date can calm down and begin the hopefully enjoyable task of getting to know each other.

Confidence on the inside

When you begin building confidence on the inside, you inventory all the things you do well, from tying your shoelace to helping your mom cross the street to making a great cherry pie to sneezing really well. Everybody does something well, and the place to begin building confidence is on that sturdy foundation of being able to do something — anything — with a degree of proficiency.
If you can’t think of one thing you do well, then you’re probably having a pity party, which is toxic for confidence. You’re also not looking at yourself objectively, so have a friend help you recognize your talents. If a friend’s not available, ask your mother, who probably loves everything you do.

The Game for Confidence

So let’s talk about this confidence thing. Are some people — the gorgeous, smooth, and successful among us — born with it? Nope! These people got to be successful and smooth by appearing to be confident. And what about those who were smart enough to choose the right parents or get dipped in the gorgeous-gene pool? Well, I know some of the most stunning people on this earth, and most of them are surprisingly insecure and frightened — of losing their looks, of appearing stupid and superficial, of growing old, of putting on weight, of having no one love them for any reason other than their cheekbones, of having no one love them at all. I’m not suggesting that you petition to be hit upside the head with the ugly stick, just that you get on with your life, whatever you look like. Accept the ride home with the too-cute guy from your building who you never thought would ask you out — rather than worry why he’d ask you out. Introduce yourself to the fascinating woman you’d really like to know better. Or at least say “hi” to the person you see daily at the bus stop. Smart people do the best they can with what they’ve got, and they don’t whine too much in the process. Confidence is the ability to trust yourself and convey that sense to others, and appearance is half the battle. If you want to appear confident whether you feel confident or not, try the following

• Stand up straight. Posture counts. A straight spine denotes purpose and strength (spineless means cowardly, after all). Face forward. Think military bearing rather than bent-over hag from Snow White, and you’ll get the picture.
• Smile. Not only is a smile a good umbrella to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, but it also convinces others you’re happy and healthy and wise. A frown makes you look like you’re worried or frightened.
• Make eye contact. It’s all in the eyes. Showing that you’re not afraid to look someone in the eye means that you’re strong and truthful and willing to meet their scrutiny.

One of the most blatant tip-offs to a lie is the liar’s inability to make eye contact — unless we’re talking pathological liar here, and then you’re sunk anyway. Your momma knew that when she said, “Look me in the eye and tell me you were studying.”

• Lean slightly forward. Whether you’re standing or sitting, leaning forward rather than pulling back denotes energy and forthrightness — and that signals strength and willingness. It also lets your energy move forward. Leaning forward is a bit aggressive or at least assertive rather than defensive or passive.
• Shake hands firmly (yeah, women, too). Upon entering a new situation,walking confidently into someone else’s space and putting out your hand and firmly — not crushingly nor limply — offering a part of yourself in a friendly but assertive way says gobs and gobs of good things about you: You’re unafraid, you’re an equal, you’re friendly, you’re engaging. A firm handshake while you look someone in the eye works wonders in business and personal situations.

It’s okay to feel nervous or excited, especially in new situations. An actor will tell you that unless she feels that adrenaline rush, she’s not going to give a really top-notch performance. Make those nerves work for you. Remind yourself:

I’ve felt this way before, and I survived; what’s the worst thing that could happen, and how likely is that? It’s okay to feel a bit edgy. I can do this. Confidence is

both that quiet inner voice and that more obvious outer show. As I’m sure you’ve figured out, the woman who wears the flashy, low cut dress and the man who brags about his conquests may be insecure and trying to convince other folks of his or her appeal rather than trusting the self. Anything you use to build confidence needs to go deeper and work for you, not against you. You don’t want to send an easily misread or misinterpreted signal. Doing something harmful to your basic sense of self doesn’t make any sense. On the other hand, positive activities build real self-assurance. When you whistle, for example, you hear yourself sounding happy, control your breathing, and entertain others. Pretending to be interested may teach you something; after all, you are listening. Pretending to be interesting makes you more informed; how else would you be more fascinating? Get it? Again, be sure that you’re not buying confidence through chemistry — alcohol or other drugs — because it’s short-lived, unproductive, and dangerous. If you don’t believe me, try being stone cold sober around a bunch of drunks. So how do you learn to trust yourself? You can begin either on the inside or the outside.

Handling Fear

The T-shirt that says No Fear is probably the only profound T-shirt in the history of the world.
Fear can paralyze you; it can stop you from looking for a job, looking for love, looking in the mirror. It can keep you from asking for what you want, saying what’s on your mind, saying “ouch” or “hurrah.” Fear eats away at your time, your energy, your very self, and it has no place in your life. Caution? Perhaps. Knowledge about why something isn’t good for you? Certainly. But fear is a waste of time; most often, it is the boogeyman of your imagination, the monster that says, “Boo!”
Fear is an awesome and formidable power that scary things don’t deserve, so turn on the lights and look at what you fear. Figure out what you can do to be strong and bypass or tame what frightens you. Don’t let fear have the power to control you. Take control of your fear.
What you already know is fine and comfortable and perhaps even useful, but if you spend your whole life with the familiar, you miss out on a lot of potential pleasure. The only way to truly appreciate what you have is to measure it against what else is available. You’re shopping in a one-room shack when a whole mall awaits you. To paraphrase Auntie Mame, “Life is a banquet, and most poor dummies are feeding on crumbs.”
I’m talking about blasting off and going bravely where you haven’t been before:
a land where you rule by laughing, singing, having fun, meeting new people, encountering new situations, finding new muscles and a sense of perspective. Okay, okay, I can hear you now: “Blastoff is scary. What if I get blown up on the launch pad or end up where there’s no oxygen?” Go for it. Lose your fear, and focus on your curiosity and strength. Think of other new experiences you’ve had: your first day of school, the time you tried a mango, your first airplane trip, the time you let your friend talk you into riding the giant roller coaster, and so on. Admittedly, not all new experiences are fun, but think of what you miss when you let your fear of the unknown keep you from trying. You may miss things like lobster or chocolate or a Jacuzzi —and a lot of exhilaration.
Even Captain Kirk, Spock, every astronaut, and every gorgeous creature and manly stud has been fearful. The difference between being paralyzed and going for it is a basic faith in yourself. This faith is really what confidence is all about. Even when you’re not quite sure, the appearance of confidence can get you a long way. In the long run, looking like you know what you’re doing is almost as important as knowing what you’re doing. Almost. Remember the musical The King and I (which is based, by the way, on a true story)? Anna and her young son arrive in Siam, a strange foreign country in which they know no one. While they’re awaiting the summons of the king, who has a nasty reputation, Anna tells her son to whistle a happy tune to fool everybody into thinking that they’re not afraid. This isn’t just a movie moment. The truth is, if you pretend you’re not afraid, before you know it, you’re really not afraid.
Be afraid of not taking chances, not making mistakes. Look both ways before you cross the street, but don’t stand in the middle of the crosswalk and tremble; you’ll get run over.