How to escape parental haunting?

The solution to parental haunting is to figure out how your parents acted, figure out what you wanted them to do differently, and determine how, logically, you can fix it so that this pattern of behavior doesn’t control your dating behavior. Because you’re doing an inventory here, keeping a notebook in which you can jot down thoughts and impressions is a great idea. Make sure your notebook isn’t left around for other folks to read; it’s personal and just for you and your work.

1. Start with a heading called “Mom and Dad,” leaving a page for each, and write down any thoughts that occur. On Mom’s page, you might write, “Neat-freak, warm laugh, takes care of the finances, whines,” and so on. On Dad’s page, you might write, “Rarely home, drinks too much, loves fishing, gives good hugs.” It’s a good idea to leave lots of space so you can let your mind roam.
2. Now go to a new set of pages, again one each for Mom and Dad, and try to organize your thoughts into positive and negative. For example, on Mom’s page, you might put her warm laugh and the fact that she’s in charge of the finances on the positive side and “neat freak” on the negative side. Of course, if you’re being honest, warm laugh might be positive, but “doesn’t take me seriously” might be the downside of her sense of humor. See if you can use your grown-up self to look at things fairly.
3. Once you’ve got a good list going, begin to relate the items on your list to dating behavior. For example, a sense of humor may be important, but so, too, may be someone who won’t laugh at you. Which is more important: having someone who listens a lot or someone who talks a lot? Make sure that the characteristics you want aren’t mutually exclusive. For instance, on one hand you want a man who is really successful; on the other, you want someone for whom you come first. Nope! Doesn’t happen that way.

When you understand which of your feelings about the opposite sex are directly related to Mom and Dad, you may be able, with your grown-up mind and paper and pencil, to free yourself of some of the knee-jerk responses that all of us have. Consider these examples:

• If your Dad always beat you at checkers, you may go for the kill in games, taking all the fun out for both of you, or you may be unwilling to play at all. Finding a game at which you can best your Dad might free you, but at least understanding the cause and effect helps.
• If your Mom was a worrywart, you may feel great anxiety before you leave the house. Your adult self can understand Mom’s fears and separate them from your own.

How Mom and Dad can still ground you?

The purpose of this exercise is neither to prove that there is a terrific set of parents who would have sent you forth with all you needed nor to prove that the parents you got have emotionally maimed you. The purpose is to show that anything your parents did has some positive and some negative possibilities. Once you understand the consequences of parental influence and behavior, you can emphasize or compensate for them. Consider the following examples:

• If you felt your parents never had time for you, you’re probably self-reliant but find it difficult to trust and are a bit brittle on the outside. What you most want is someone to hug you and tell you that you’re great.
• If your parents were really lovey-dovey with each other, you may have felt envious and excluded. As a result, you may look for a date who ignores everybody and everything but you.
• If one or other of your parents doted on you — and I mean really doted —you may feel an overwhelming need to perform or be perfect. A date who asks what you were doing last night may make you feel claustrophobic, as if you’re being monitored or graded again.

Once you know that, you can look for someone who isn’t like the parent, who is self-sufficient, and who is not overly sentimental. Unfortunately, most of us choose someone who’s like the parent who didn’t do whatever we wanted them to do when we were kids, and — voilá! — because we pick the same kind of person, they act in the same kind of way.