The Last Fifteen Minutes of a Second Date

Two words: No sex.
Two more words: Too soon.
Even though you feel like you’ve known each other all your lives, it’s really only been two nights, or an afternoon and an evening, or ten minutes and lunch. You get the picture. You don’t know each other — don’t get to know each other under the sheets.
Physical intimacy blurs the emotional intimacy of a relationship. It’s hard to see things clearly when hormones are involved. A second date isn’t even a relationship yet, so sex confuses the whole deal. Making out is okay. Making out passionately is cool. Just don’t go any further than that until you know each other better. Ask yourself if you’d be embarrassed the next day if the previous night of lovemaking turned out to be a disaster. If the answer is “well, yeah,” then the answer to sex has to be “well, no.” Never have sex with anyone whose middle name you don’t know.

Trust or Consequences

Trusting someone instantaneously can be just as devastating as suspecting an ulterior motive behind everything he or she says. True trust takes time. No shortcuts allowed. Remember: Your date is just your date; he or she isn’t your friend. Even if you’ve been chatting for months online, trust still takes a lot of together time. If your date wants you to give more than you’re willing to give at this early stage, don’t be afraid to say so . . . and stick to your guns. If, on the other hand, you don’t want to “slip” and divulge any clues as to where you live or work, what you do for a living, or what color your hair really is, you may be a touch paranoid. Yeah, the world can be a dangerous place. But if you trust someone enough to agree to a second date, it’s only fair to let him or her get to know you. This isn’t a CIA investigation. It’s a date. Chill out. Particularly if you’re over 30, avoid what I call the Blitz School of Dating. That’s when you’ve been there, done that, and you don’t want to waste any time. You want to book a table in a quiet restaurant where the waiter won’t bother you for the two hours you take to chronologically pour out your life story, hear your date’s, and determine if this union has legs. While the Blitz approach has been known to work on occasion, I don’t recommend it. Part of the mystery and magic of getting to know someone is getting to know someone, not hearing how well they know themselves Finally, resist the temptation to ask yourself the $64,000 question: Is this the one? Is this second date with the person with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life? Have babies with? Rock on the porch with? Watch go gray? While the urge may be there to weigh every second date on the “forever scale,” don’t give in to it. Distract yourself. It’s too soon. A relationship hasn’t even taken flight yet.
If your worst enemy knew what you’re telling your second date, could he or she use it against you? If the answer is yes, keep it under wraps for now. If not, go for it.

Getting to Know You

The info-exchange process on a second date is fun and exciting and interesting and a bit tricky. Unlike a first date, which is pretty superficial, a second date delves a little deeper. You already know you like each other enough to find out more. How much more remains to be seen. For now, you want to be vulnerable enough to let your date see who you really are without showing all your warts at once. (A wart or two is okay.) You want your date to feel comfy enough to share a wart or two with you.
To get the good stuff, you’ve got to give it. Trust me — your date won’t open up if you just sit there with your arms crossed. Though a second date usually shifts the conversational focus away from you and onto your date, striking a balance between being a good listener and an interesting and sincere talker is crucial — and not always easy or comfortable right away. First, know your personality type before the second date even starts. Are you the strong, silent type? A Chatty Cathy? Knowing who you are can help you tone down your natural tendency to clam up or blab on and on.
Second, periodically gauge how things are going. Here are some basic rules:

• If you feel you know everything about your date and your date knows nothing about you, it’s time to open up.
• If your date has been nodding for the past hour, it’s time to hush up.
• If your time together seems more like a stand-up routine than a conversation, take a deep breath and focus on getting more insight, less laughs.
• If your date sounds more like a job interview than a chat, it’s time to get a bit more personal.
• If your date blushes each time you ask him or her a question, it’s time to get less personal.
• If the conversation on your second date keeps grinding to a screeching halt, ask yourself if it’s you or your date. One of you is uncomfortable. It’s okay to flat-out say, “We had such fun the last time we went out. Is something making you uncomfortable?” If the answer is no and the conversation still limps along, you may be looking at a second, and final, date.

The First Fifteen Minutes of a Second Date

Unlike the extensive pre-planning that goes into a first date, less is needed for a second date. But there’s a lot more at stake, so a bit of forethought will help you and your date relax. You want to solve any potential problems involving the first 15 minutes of your second date before you get underway. The immediate decisions to be made are these:

Question: Do you kiss your date on the cheek when you first meet? On the lips?
Answer: Cheek, okay. Lips, no way.

Question: Do you take your date’s hand? Put your arm around his or her shoulder?
Answer: No hand, no arm, no proprietary touching just yet. Handshakes are okay if you opt for no kiss.

Question: Do you talk about your last date together? Or stick to the present moment?
Answer: Continuing a previous conversation or asking about the status of something you already talked about is great. It’s a real intimacybuilder and lets your date know you were listening.

Question: Do you go to someplace different from the first date?
Answer: Yes. Especially if date number one was a date-ette. The location reflects a lot about you and how you feel about your companion. You don’t have to spend a bundle, but if your goal is getting to know what makes your date tick emotionally and spiritually, a loud concert may not be the best way to go.

Question: Does money matter?
Answer: Money always matters to some degree. But don’t let a lack of the green stuff freak you out or keep you from asking someone out. A walk in the park can be a better second date than dinner at the Ritz. What’s most important is picking a place that lets you feel free to be you and lets your date feel free to get to know you. Just don’t look cheap —make sure you have enough to cover any expected expenses, plus $20 tucked in a secret compartment.

Old patterns, new people

Behavior patterns — acting in a characteristic way — begin to take hold on the second date. If you tend to be a relationship sprinter rather than a longdistance runner, you’ll continue to quickly fall in and out of love with each new person unless you do something to change it. If you typically scare the dickens out of your dates by confessing true love on the way to the car, you’ll probably act it out again unless you do something to change the pattern. Or if you’re so scared of intimacy that it takes you ten years to trust someone, you probably won’t change unless you make a conscious effort to do so. If you don’t already know your dating patterns (everybody has patterns of behavior), I want you to pay attention on the second date so you can uncover your tendencies and know what to watch for in yourself. If you’re already aware of patterns and like what you see in yourself, don’t change a thing. But if you’ve noticed a destructive dating style in the past and want to change it, follow these steps:

1. Identify the behavior.
As soon as you experience one of those there-I-go-again moments, pretend you’re a school kid at a crosswalk: Stop, look, and listen to yourself.

2. Define the behavior.
Mentally describe your behavior in a specific sentence like, “Whenever I’m nervous, I tend to be sarcastic” or “As soon as it seems like someone really likes me, I get turned off.”

3. Place it in the moment.
Try to pinpoint what set you off this time. Was it her arm brushing up against yours? Was it something he said?

4. Put it on hold.
Patterns don’t change overnight. They especially don’t change smack in the middle of a date. What you want to do, once you’ve nailed down a behavior pattern, is to relax, file it away in your brain, and look at it later on when you’re alone.

Mind over what’s-the-matter

Getting all stressed-out is easy if your second date doesn’t measure up to the notion you had of the way things should go or if you put so much pressure on yourself that nothing you do or say is going to be good enough. Don’t go there. You won’t have any fun. Your date won’t have any fun. Everybody loses. Instead, if you start to feel tense, take a breather (literally) and do a quick reality check. Ask yourself the following:

• What’s really bothering me here? Am I blaming my date for my expectations? Am I bringing up past history? Have I jammed a couple of unrelated memories and fears together to make a stress sandwich? If so, pull yourself back into the moment and deal with the here and now.
• Am I trying to make sure my date doesn’t get too close? Intimacy is a scary thing, particularly in a second date where, presumably, you two are revealing more about yourselves. If you find yourself mentally running for the dugout before the seventh-inning stretch, get back in the game and see how it ends up.
• Is this just old news? If you notice that you seem to be falling back on tired old patterns to make yourself feel comfortable, knock it off. Tell yourself you’re safe, that it’s okay to feel a little afraid, and not to worry —you’ll hold your hand every step of the way.

Date Expectations

One of the biggest differences between any first date and second date is expectation. Be very careful here. You don’t want your expectations to be sky-high any more than you want them to be so low you’re grateful for the slightest crumb your date flicks across the table. I know it’s hard trying to enter a date with a blank slate, but you really owe it to yourself and your date to try to enter with your eyes, heart, and mind open. Expectation is no simple matter. The dictionary defines expectation as looking for what’s “due, proper, or necessary.” Interestingly, the word comes from the same root as “spectacle,” the Latin spectare, meaning “to gaze at.” What this all means is that you form your expectation of any event by instantaneously “gazing at” your past experiences, stuff that’s happened to your friends or your parents or your family, what the media has convinced you is proper, and what your peers have convinced you you’re due. So you walk into any situation with at least some expectation as to how it would, could, or —worse — should turn out.
Trouble is, your date doesn’t have your same history. Your date isn’t carrying the same baggage. He has a whole different set of luggage. That’s when expectations can get a bit dicey. You expect your date to think and feel as you do. When it doesn’t happen as you anticipated, feelings get hurt and tempers flare and the whole experience takes a kamikaze nosedive. Don’t fall into this trap. You can’t erase expectation completely — it’s okay to expect to have a good time with someone you already like — but try to identify what your expectations are before your second date begins. That way, you’ll recognize immediately when (or if) your expectations are dashed, and you can put the whole thing in perspective. You may want to refer to Chapter 17 to understand your dating expectations.