Mind over what’s-the-matter

Getting all stressed-out is easy if your second date doesn’t measure up to the notion you had of the way things should go or if you put so much pressure on yourself that nothing you do or say is going to be good enough. Don’t go there. You won’t have any fun. Your date won’t have any fun. Everybody loses. Instead, if you start to feel tense, take a breather (literally) and do a quick reality check. Ask yourself the following:

• What’s really bothering me here? Am I blaming my date for my expectations? Am I bringing up past history? Have I jammed a couple of unrelated memories and fears together to make a stress sandwich? If so, pull yourself back into the moment and deal with the here and now.
• Am I trying to make sure my date doesn’t get too close? Intimacy is a scary thing, particularly in a second date where, presumably, you two are revealing more about yourselves. If you find yourself mentally running for the dugout before the seventh-inning stretch, get back in the game and see how it ends up.
• Is this just old news? If you notice that you seem to be falling back on tired old patterns to make yourself feel comfortable, knock it off. Tell yourself you’re safe, that it’s okay to feel a little afraid, and not to worry —you’ll hold your hand every step of the way.

Date Expectations

One of the biggest differences between any first date and second date is expectation. Be very careful here. You don’t want your expectations to be sky-high any more than you want them to be so low you’re grateful for the slightest crumb your date flicks across the table. I know it’s hard trying to enter a date with a blank slate, but you really owe it to yourself and your date to try to enter with your eyes, heart, and mind open. Expectation is no simple matter. The dictionary defines expectation as looking for what’s “due, proper, or necessary.” Interestingly, the word comes from the same root as “spectacle,” the Latin spectare, meaning “to gaze at.” What this all means is that you form your expectation of any event by instantaneously “gazing at” your past experiences, stuff that’s happened to your friends or your parents or your family, what the media has convinced you is proper, and what your peers have convinced you you’re due. So you walk into any situation with at least some expectation as to how it would, could, or —worse — should turn out.
Trouble is, your date doesn’t have your same history. Your date isn’t carrying the same baggage. He has a whole different set of luggage. That’s when expectations can get a bit dicey. You expect your date to think and feel as you do. When it doesn’t happen as you anticipated, feelings get hurt and tempers flare and the whole experience takes a kamikaze nosedive. Don’t fall into this trap. You can’t erase expectation completely — it’s okay to expect to have a good time with someone you already like — but try to identify what your expectations are before your second date begins. That way, you’ll recognize immediately when (or if) your expectations are dashed, and you can put the whole thing in perspective. You may want to refer to Chapter 17 to understand your dating expectations.

In Between One and Two

Everything that happens between the first date and the second has an effect on date number two:

• If it was lust at first sight and you both have been whispering sweet nothings over the phone all week, your second date will look much different than it would if your date took ten days to call you again. Bear that in mind when you embark on date number two. Your second date may seem either more intense or more subdued than it actually is. There’s simply no substitution for time when it comes to really knowing someone and understanding how he or she will (or won’t) fit into your life. Don’t short-circuit the time you really need to tap how you really feel.
• If more than two weeks have passed between date number one and date number two, your second date is likely to feel more like a first date. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

Good places for a second date

Given that a second date is about delving deeper, getting to know someone better, flirting a bit more, and just plain being more intimate, pick a place that lets you do those things:

_ Quiet restaurant or café
_ Public park
_ Sporting event
_ Museum

Following are some not-so-good places to do those things:
_ Noisy bar
_ Quiet bar
_ Movie marathon
_ Your parents’ house
_ Your date’s parents’ house
_ Your place

Anatomy of a true second date

A first date is takeoff — your seatback is in the upright position, your tray table is stowed, you’ve buckled your seatbelt and are listening intently to make sure that the engines are on full throttle. A second date is climbing to cruising altitude. You’re on the way to your destination. You’re up in the air. You hope the pilot didn’t have a martini with her lunch, the flight attendant didn’t have a fight with his girlfriend, and the skies are not cloudy all day. In other words, a second date is the beginning of a settling-in period. Sometimes, a second date is wishing you were there already. Mostly, it’s trying to sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Whereas your first date is about fantasy — getting your hair done, being on your best behavior, and looking at your date through rose-colored glasses — your second date is the beginning of reality. You let your hair down a bit; you reveal the real — or realer — you; and you see your date through a magnifying glass, if not reading glasses.
The beauty of a second date is that real personalities can begin to emerge. Your date’s nervous laughter mellows into a great sense of humor; his or her personal résumé becomes a story of a life. Of course, the potential downside is that real personalities emerge. The date you thought was a friendly overtipper who dressed impeccably and arrived on time suddenly morphs into a flirtatious spendthrift who is narcissistic and obsessive. Oops. The important thing here is to take a second date for what it really is — namely, the next leg on your journey toward getting to know someone better. Period. On a second date, there will be more . . .

• Communicating: You move from neutral conversational territory, like census data, to more personal stuff like family history, favorite movies, the school you went to, school you go to, hometown, work life — stuff you’d put in a personal ad, stuff your next-door neighbor knows but not the ultra sensitive stuff you tell only your best friend. It’s also a good time for follow-up. You asked the opening questions on your first date; now get a bit more detail.
• Testing the compatibility waters: You want to make sure you and your date are a good fit. Your attention shifts away from how you look, act, feel, talk, eat, and slurp to the kind of person your date is.
• Probing for shared interests: While you want to express yourself on a first date, a second date is for allowing, encouraging, desiring, and listening to your date express what he or she likes and dislikes.
• Sexual innuendoes: Nothing overt, but playful flirting is good.
• Gazing into each other’s eyes: Most importantly, a second date is one step further along on the intimacy scale. It’s about stripping away the outer layer of superficiality and beginning to know your date’s soul. Few things are more intimate, or soulful, than prolonged eye contact. Don’t stare. But don’t be afraid to connect with the window to your date’s soul — the eyes.

Dates versus date-ettes

A date lasts at least three hours, is planned ahead of time, and takes place after noon in ironed clothing. A date-ette is spontaneous, can last a few minutes or an hour or two, takes place day or night, and doesn’t even require a shower. This distinction is unimportant until we begin speaking about second dates, because you have to know when the first date occurred. So first get clear in your own head what your first date really was. If it was indeed a date, good for you: Your second date is an authentic second date, and you’re right on track. If your first get-together was really a date-ette, however, then the next time you two go out, you’re really on official date number one — or maybe one and a half. That’s okay. There are no hard and fast rules here. But you may want to flip back to the chapters on first dates and take it from there if you’ve only had a date-ette. This chapter is for solid second-daters, not second-date wannabes.
First dates can be date-ettes, but second dates have to be dates. The progression flows naturally. If it doesn’t — if you keep spontaneously grabbing a bite to eat or a cup of coffee — you’re not dating. You’re hanging out.

Is It Really a Second Date?

The first date jitters are out of the way, and it’s on to date number two. Your emotions are still in a whirl but for entirely different reasons. No longer are you worried about knocking the shoes off your date with a dazzling first impression. That’s done. You did it or you didn’t. Not to worry. Even if you weren’t James Bond or Kim Basinger, you impressed your date enough to secure a second shot. Now the stakes are higher. If your first date was a rousing success, the next one better be fantastic. If date number one was so-so, date number two better score higher on the dating scale. Understandably, you’re going to feel a bit stressed as well as excited, hopeful, flattered, challenged, optimistic, and even giddy. That’s okay. Everybody feels a smorgasbord of emotions when the flicker of a potential love match has been ignited. What you want to do is chill out, keep your expectations in check, and make sure this budding relationship doesn’t burn out before it even begins. The first thing I want you to do is make sure you’re dealing with a bona fide second date. You may met your date through friends, asked him or her out to lunch, had fun, and arranged to meet again. In the imperfect world we all live in, you may have met your date in class, at a party, on the street. You said, “I’m going to Starbucks for a cappuccino. Wanna come?” He went, bought his own cup of coffee, chatted with you, had a few laughs, and gave you his phone number when you offered yours. Technically, you had a date. But who deals in technicalities when dating is concerned? In reality, you had more of a date-ette than a date.