Second Thoughts on First Impressions

A date-long first impression is different from the two-second once-over your date gives you when you initially meet. It’s more than a primal, visceral thing. Throughout the time you spend together, your date’s five senses are working overtime — taking it all in. Processing every nuance, every sigh, every touch. Even the stuff your date isn’t aware he or she sees, hears, smells, touches, and tastes is seen, heard, touched, smelled, and tasted. Above and beyond the five senses are your date’s sense of style, appropriateness, manners, space, self — you name it. Every part of your date’s past and present being comes into play when evaluating you and how he or she feels about you. Yikes! No wonder we all get nervous on a first date! What you can do if you don’t want your first impression to last a lifetime is to create another one. As simple as that. It’s okay to call your date and say, “I was a bit jittery last night. What do you say we try again next week?” Or you can lay your cards right on the table by saying, “I feel like I didn’t show you who I really am. I’d like another chance to do so.”
Honesty is appealing. Vulnerability is sexy. Unless you’re a mass of quivering insecurity, few people can resist someone who’s human enough to admit they didn’t show you a true picture and would like a second shot. If your date was fantastic, no need to redo anything. If the date didn’t go as well as expected, maybe a bit of remedial work is in order. If you have just experienced the Guinness Book’s lousy-date record, you need to give yourself some first aid.

Starting Over

The most important thing about a really bad date is making sure you don’t obsess to the extent that you vow, “Never again.” Becoming a hermit is not the antidote to a lousy date. Problem solving is. Figure out what you can do differently next time and get back in the race. Figure out what went awry and learn from the experience; you won’t have to join a religious order with a vow of silence, solitude, and celibacy.
Don’t rush into another date with just anybody, but do put this experience in perspective. Hey, it was one crummy date — no need to be bummed out about it endlessly. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get ready to date all over again. Be thankful you both agreed on at least one thing — it didn’t work. Beware of the Groucho Marx School of Life that says, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.” In the world of dating, this if-they’ll-have-me-I-don’t-want-them mentality translates into two unappealing possibilities: “If they hate me, they must be really cool and have figured out the real me” or — even worse — “Nobody rejects me first. I’ll charm them so they’ll like me, and then I’ll reject them.” Take my advice: If it’s lousy for both of you, let it go and be done with it. Amen.

Reviewing Expectations

One bad date doesn’t mean much; a string of bad dates may mean a lot. If you keep thinking this one is “the one” and are wrong again and again, it may be time to stop, look, and listen.
When you get home, evaluate your expectations and examine your dating patterns. Only then can you stop making the same mistakes over and over. Answer the following questions in your dating notebook so you have a basis on which to begin analysis, understanding, and change.

• What qualities must your ideal date absolutely, positively have?
• What must your ideal date not be?
• Why was this date a disaster?
• Think back to the last disaster date you had — what things went wrong then? (If this is your first bad date, skip this question.)
• Looking back over your lists, are there any similarities between what you put on the “My date must not be” list and the (one or) two “disaster date” lists?

If so, nail those little suckers and write them down. Is there a pattern? Is there a pit into which you keep falling? If your ideal date must not be rude, obese, or boring, and your disaster dates were rude, thin, and boring, perhaps you didn’t look too far beyond the outer package when the date was first set up. Or if all your disaster dates turn out to be so self involved they may as well be out with themselves, perhaps you don’t know how to spot a narcissist early on.

Five signs you really do hate each other

• A piece of cilantro is stuck to your date’s chin, and you don’t bother to mention it. Your date knows it’s there and doesn’t bother to remove it.
• You both could describe every detail of the door but don’t know what color your date’s eyes are.
• If it were videotaped, your conversation would make it on America’s Most Boring Videos.
• You have to keep explaining punch lines.
• Your mouths are killing both of you from all that fake smiling.

How to Exit with Style?

The moment has arrived. You’ve finally faced up to the ugly truth: You’d both rather be anywhere but together, and a root canal is sounding better by comparison. Resist the temptation to duck out the back, make a mad dash for the door, or order a cab instead of dessert. The true measure of your soul is how you handle disaster. We can all be classy when the going is good. True style and honor come from handling bad situations well. Don’t worry. You don’t have to sit there and imagine gnawing your foot off so you can escape the trap. You can call this one off — but do it with panache. Say:

• “Let’s skip coffee and chalk this up to experience.”
• “I’m ready to call it a night. You?”
  
• Can I give you a lift home?” (No need to be ugly.)
• “I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”
• “Let’s toast this valiant effort and get the check.”

Again, don’t lie. Don’t say you’ll call. Don’t say you had a great time when you didn’t. Just end the date quickly and cleanly.

What to do if your date went wrong?

So there you are. Sitting across from your date, or next to him or her, or in the bathroom staring at your reflection, afraid to face the truth. Don’t. Face it. If you feel unhappy and sense that your date is miserable, too, denial only makes matters worse. Instead, do this:

• Trust your instincts. If it feels all wrong, it probably is — even if both of you are smiling and making nice.
• Ask. There’s nothing wrong with asking your date whether what you’re sensing is actually the truth. I wouldn’t go so far as to blurt out, “Do you hate me as much as I hate you?” but asking if the discomfort in the air is real is really a good start.
• ’Fess up. If your date is having as lousy a time as you are, he or she may ask you what’s the matter. Tell the truth. Admit that things aren’t zipping along as well as you’d hoped and ask if your date feels the same way.
• Let it be. Now is not the time to muse over what’s going wrong. If there’s no spark, this date’s never going to jump-start, no matter how carefully you peer under the hood.

Total turnoffs in dating

Although, theoretically, loathe at first sight should be no more or less common than love at first sight, loathing isn’t always a slow-build. Here are ways to completely turn each other off in an instant:

_ Neglecting to shower
_ Eating like a pig
_ Dressing like a hooker
_ Talking only about yourself
_ Abusing the waiter or clerk
_ Whining
_ Drinking too much
_ Showing up stoned
_ Talking about sex
_ Insulting each other
_ Insulting anybody else
_ Acting superior
_ Being a bigot
_ Copping a feel
_ Taking your shoes off in the car

If you discover that you really can’t stand the person you’re with — and you have a pretty good idea that the feeling is mutual — face the moment of truth without wasting another moment of your precious life.