Deploying survival strategies

If you’re not having a good time but your date is, give these strategies a try. Not only can they get you through the evening, but they give you the opportunity to discover interesting and worthwhile things about your date and yourself — and that’s never a waste of time.

• Identify three things you like about your date. Everyone has at least a few interesting and unique qualities. When a date starts to slide downhill, we tend to magnify the negative moments in our minds and discount the positive. Reverse this trend: Find three things you like about your date. They don’t have to be big things. You don’t have to suddenly realize you love this person’s personality. Start small. Do you like her hair? His hands? Her laugh? His quirky sense of humor?
• Become a good listener. View this as a great opportunity to sharpen your listening skills. Stay in the moment. Don’t second-guess what you could have possibly done here or worry about what you’re going to tell your friends or how you’re going to get a good night’s sleep. Really listen to what your date has to say — without judgment. You may hear something interesting.
• Relax and tune in to your surroundings. Enjoy the food, the atmosphere, the popcorn, the movie, the biscotti, the sunshine, the snow, the sound of bowling pins falling each time you score a strike. Shift your focus away from a date that’s not working out to all the things that are perfectly fine.

It’s chemistry

Chemistry is mentioned a lot when two people click. “I just knew,” “It was love at first sight,” “We were destined to be together,” “Soul mates” . . .
Beware. While some couples feel an instant and powerful pull to one another (which isn’t always sustainable or prolonged), for most, the response is slower and subtler. An interest. A tingle. A thrill. A desire to get closer. In a word: chemistry. A number of physiological changes take place in your body when you encounter a person who turns you on. Your pupils dilate (you want to see more of them), your heart races, your palms get sweaty. You feel energized, like you could stay up all night. And you probably could — that’s what the expression “turned on” really means. Physically, your body is totally awake, alert, and raring to go — basic biochemistry 101. Hormones turn you on — lust in its most basic, uncomplicated, thrilling form. Your body is saying, “Let’s party.”
Unfortunately, as convenient as it would sometimes be to be able to bottle it, chemistry is either there, or it’s not — and it’s impossible to fake.

Tuition for Dating 101

If your date goes down the drain, give yourself a break. It happens. Life is a curve ball, an off-speed pitch, a fast ball low and inside. Even Ted Williams struck out more often than he hit a home run. It may feel lousy right now, but remind yourself, once again, it’s only one date. You’ll have tons more nights on which you can strut your stuff. Use the experience to learn something so it won’t happen again. An autopsy is a great idea. The date died — figure out why. Answering the following questions in your dating notebook can help you figure out what went wrong. Answer these questions as soon as you can after the date ends, when your impressions are still fresh. By keeping these notes, you can begin to look for patterns in your behavior.
Tomorrow, after a few hours have passed between tonight’s date and the rest of your life, I want you to reread your responses and see if they say anything to you. Don’t pass judgment; don’t look for hidden meaning. Simply read through and see what it says. If you haven’t already. now, give yourself a nonchemical treat (unless it’s chocolate), take a deep breath, prop your feet up, and chill out.
First, at the top of a sheet of notebook paper, write your date’s name, the date (day, month, year) and time of the date, and where you went. Also note when and where you first met. Then on a scale from 1 to 10 (0 = meltdown;
10 = divine), rate the date as a whole.
From there, reflect on the date and answer the following questions. Make sure you’re being really specific here (for example, nice smile when we met, good table manners, well-groomed).

• What positive stuff happened? In what ways did the date go well?
• What was icky poo poo? In what ways did the date stink?
• What were your expectations? (Tip: See if you can make yourself aware of what disappointed you, which will instantly focus on what you expected.)
• Were your expectations based on how someone acted before?
• What patterns emerge that you have noticed on previous dates, in the other relationship? Is this déjà vu all over again? Now reflect on your current feelings.
• How are you feeling right now?
• What do you want to do? For example, do you want to try again, talk to a friend, join a monastery, reread the whole book, take a vacation from dating?
• What can you do differently on your next date to offset this problem and change the pattern?
• Did you feel that your date saw the real you, yes or no? If no, why not?

Answering these questions after every not-so-hot date and/or journaling about your experiences can help you learn from rather than focus on less than successful dates. But please avoid sending a “this is why you shouldn’t have treated me badly” letter to your date, which falls into the whining category I address earlier in this chapter. Every once in a while, in an effort to save face and salvage some remnant of dignity, you may be tempted to contact your date explaining why you deserve better or how the creep hurt your feelings. Resist this urge. You should never put anything into a letter or e-mail that you are not willing to have advertised on the front page of The New York Times. Even something like “have a nice life” can sound sarcastic. I know you may be hurting, but don’t write down your feelings anyplace, except for a diary that no one else will see.

Ending on a Positive Note

Your job, when your date isn’t dazzled by you, is to listen gracefully and nondefensively and smile sweetly and make a swift exit as soon as the coast is clear. No need to prolong a bad date.
One of the biggest pitfalls to a date that feels like it’s heading downhill is the “snowball effect” — you sense something’s wrong, you panic, you clam up, you overreact, and it just makes matters worse. Suddenly, a not-great date is on its way to disasterville. If things are really awful, it makes more sense to call a polite and gentle halt rather than hurt someone’s feelings for hours or waste your time or your date’s time. It really is okay to say, “You don’t seem to be having a good time. Shall we just chalk this up to experience?” Be honest. ’Fess up. Stop the snowball before it becomes an avalanche and buries you both. Ignoring an overwhelming feeling; trying to hide, squash, cover up, or pretend it isn’t there; or wishing it weren’t there isn’t going to change the reality. You’re not responsible for your feelings, just your behavior. If you can gently acknowledge your feelings, you can deal with them. A lousy date isn’t a reason to inflict pain on either of you. It isn’t necessary to hang in there and finish what you started. It’s okay to say, “I think we should call it a night.” It’s also okay to use that universal come-down line almost all daters have heard at least once, “I think we should just be friends.” Not every couple has chemistry. That’s what dates are for — to find out. Hey, chemistry happens, or it doesn’t. It can’t be faked or manufactured. The feeling is out of your hands. If your date says he or she just doesn’t feel any chemistry between the two of you, don’t take it personally, but also don’t assume a few more hours will make a whole lot of difference. While it’s true that a deep love can develop slowly over time, this is a date, not an arranged marriage. Chemistry up-front is helpful on both sides for future promise; it gives you both motivation to explore further — unless it’s so overwhelming that you both ignore every other part of what might be going on between the two of you. Overwhelming initial passion can move you both at the speed of light past things you ought to be assessing slowly and carefully (see Chapter 21 on taking things slow). Don’t worry too much if you’re not turned on as long as you’re not turned off.

No Whining!

If you’ve ever been in a long line on a hot, sweaty day, with a bunch of tired little kids, you probably know what whining is all about. It’s annoying, cloying, tiring, and, most of all, unproductive. Whining never gets you anywhere but on someone’s nerves. Don’t do it. If your date tells you he or she is having a rotten time, suck it up. Yeah, you’re right. It hurts, but no whining. It isn’t the end of the world. All of the following constitute the whine response:

• “Just my luck.”
• “My last date dumped me, too.”
• “Boy, I sure do know how to pick ’em, don’t I?”
• “This always happens just when I start liking someone.”

If you feel these words — or their ilk — bubbling to the surface, stop immediately, press your lips together and refuse to speak again until you’ve shed that whole sackcloth-and-ashes routine and are ready to respond like the mature person (not victim!) you are. The time to lick your wounds is later, when you’re home running a hot bubble bath, or calling your mom for a hug or a best friend for support or the bakery to see if they have any double fudge brownies left.

Getting More Info

When you feel disaster in your gut, or see it in your date’s response, bring it to your lips. I don’t pretend this is always easy to do, but, trust me on this:
It’s better to know than to stumble around in ignorance. If you feel like your date is not going well, here are some things you may want to say:

• “I’m sensing you’re not having a good time. Is this true?”
• “I’d appreciate your honesty. Are you having fun?”
• “Is there something I’ve said or done to offend you?”
• “Are we not quite clicking here?”

The truth isn’t always fun to hear. Sometimes it’s downright painful. But, when you give people the chance to be honest with you, they usually will in a kind and gentle way. You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t want to date you. It’s as simple as that. You don’t want to have to convince someone to like you, or ask them to hang in until chemistry kicks in. This is not an endurance test or some dating karmic reincarnation where you’re doomed to repeat every awful experience and where your cosmic score in each category is added up and totaled at the end before you can escape. A date is an organic process as much as it is planning and prep work. Mother Nature is in there orchestrating the event, right alongside your careful blueprint for the perfect outing. Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to fate —this date wasn’t meant to be. Find out what went awry — don’t blame yourself or your date. Then move on. Don’t obsess about why it didn’t work out. Try not to take it too personally. Most importantly, no whining.

Reading the Signs

It’s easy to tell when someone hates your guts. They sneer, they scowl, they scoff, they storm off in a huff. They won’t make eye contact, they mace you, they call their Rottweiler and the fashion police. Unless we’re talking major meltdown or atomic winter, it is really unlikely that the clues will be so obvious. What is much more likely when a date goes sour is a slow process of disconnection, a major lack of chemistry that becomes more apparent as the date ticks on, rather than dramatic magnetic repulsion. Here are the six warning signs of potential date disaster:

• Lack of eye contact: Eye contact is the very essence of connection, the “window to the soul.” If your date won’t make eye contact — nothing else will connect.
• Sullenness: Your date is unresponsive and says as little as possible. Make sure that you’re not monopolizing the conversation or asking too many personal questions, but if your date consistently responds with “Yeah,” “No,” and “Don’t know,” you have a pretty clear sign that things are not going well. This doesn’t mean there will never be a gap of silence (or two or three), but when the gaps yawn like the Grand Canyon, something isn’t working.
• The “I” focus: If your date’s conversation is focused exclusively on himor herself, without any apparent interest in you, it’s a sign of either no interest in you or a pre-occupation with self. Yech.
• Emotionally out of sync: Have you ever been with somebody who totally “gets it?” Every nuance, every joke, every raised eyebrow? You’re in tune. Conversely, if you find yourself laughing alone a lot during your date, explaining punch lines, or finding humor where your date finds horror (or worse, nothing), you and your date are likely really different and are going to have a rough time finding any common emotional ground.
• Physically out of sync: A body speaks volumes of feelings. Connected, interested people lean in toward each other or sit close to one another. If one body consistently says, “I’m out of here,” or “Not interested” and remains aloof throughout the date, it’s a fair bet the head feels the same thing.
• Edgy or anxious or sad: A wee bit of nerves are understandable, but if your date is in an obvious emotional turmoil that doesn’t let up, it’s a sign that your time together is in the dumps, too.