Analyzing kiss

According to Boston College professor William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing, there are 25 different ways to smooch. 25! There’s the eye kiss, the wet kiss, the butterfly, the friendly, and the ever-popular lip-o-suction. That’s just naming a few. Unless you plan to end your date with a “see ya” peck on the cheek, it’s important to know the difference between a quick kiss, a serious kiss, and seriously making out:

• Handshake: If your date extends his or her hand instead of lips, it means one of two things: One, he or she is trying to do the right (as in respectful) thing and not move too fast. Two, the moment is awkward, and your date isn’t sure what to do. A handshake isn’t necessarily a brush-off. A kiss-off is a brush-off. If you want more, try a gentle, friendly hug and see what happens.
• Hug: Since your entire body is involved, a hug can be the gateway to more intimacy. It’s also what Uncle Wally and Aunt Mildred do to you just before they pinch your cheeks. The duration of the hug determines what happens next. If it’s a quick body-pressing, take it as the equivalent of a quick kiss (see the next item). If your date holds you close, and you like it, a simple tilt of the head and, voilá, you’re in perfect kissing position.
  
• Quick kiss: Quick kisses are everywhere. People who barely know one another quick kiss on the cheek when they meet. In France, the doublecheek quick kiss is part of the national identity. If your date leans forward at the end of your time together and quick kisses you on the cheek, say a quick goodbye. Though a major smooch session may be coming later, it’s the last thing on your date’s mind tonight. If, on the other hand, your date quick kisses you hello, especially if it’s more sweet than scary or sexy, you’re picking up on some fairly serious chemistry.
• Serious kiss: This is a kiss you can see coming. Your date has been preparing the proper approach in his or her mind, and there’s a thrilling tingle of anticipation in the air. A serious kiss is one of intention. It’s sensual more than sexual and takes time when done properly. A serious kiss is one of the best signs that your date can’t wait to see you again.
  
• Making out: All about lust, making out is an earnest lip-lock intended as a prelude to something more — not always sex . . . though the promise and possibility of sex are definitely part of the scene. Making out is characterized by a full-body experience. Your lips are only the initiators. Making out uses the hands, hot breath on the neck, bodies pressed together. Warning: Don’t make out with a date you don’t want to see again. It sends out a mixed message, as well as a mess of hormones that have nowhere to go.

In general, men view kissing as a prelude to the main event: sex. For men, a woman who kisses well promises to be a tiger in the sack, too. Women often see kissing as a perfectly good activity in and of itself, rather than a means to an end. Women could kiss all night, and then say goodnight without feeling “cheated” out of sex. For women, a guy who’s a “great kisser” is a guy who takes his time, a guy who’s capable of love as well as lust.

The Kiss Question

Speaking of intimacy . . . the all-important question looming large at the end of almost every date is as simple and as complicated as two pair of lips. Should we kiss?
Kissing is an intimate act — at least, intimate kissing is. You’re literally opening up to someone. Your eyes are (usually) closed, and your neck is exposed. Physically (and primally), it’s a very vulnerable position. Emotionally, it’s incredibly vulnerable. How many folks have lain awake at night, dreamily remembering their date’s kiss?
A college friend of mine once confided that if she kissed a man, she’d sleep with him. I was shocked at such a confession, until she explained it further. Kissing is such an intimate act, she said, perhaps the most intimate act, that she’d never kiss someone unless she was ready to go all the way. Others feel kissing is foreplay, and lots of folks like kissing all by itself.

Ten signs it’s a disaster date

Your date:

1. Goes to the bathroom and never returns.
2. Stiffs you with the bill after ordering the most expensive thing on the menu.
3. Sits at another table.
4. Flirts with the waiter or waitress.
5. Says, “I just forgot, my father’s having surgery,” “I’m having a root canal,” or “I’m taking final vows,” when you suggest getting together again.
6. Asks to borrow your car keys and doesn’t return.
7. Asks to practice your signature and then steals your credit card.
8. Calls a parent to come pick them up without telling you.
9. Calls the police.
10. Buys an attack dog.

Ending a disastrous date

If you don’t want to see each other again, don’t say you’ll call. If you’re bored to tears, don’t say, “Yeah, that would be fun,” when your date suggests a follow-up day at the beach. It’s icky, it’s awkward, it’s painful, it makes your forehead sweat, but honesty is ultimately the best way to go. If you have no intention of seeing what’s behind date number two, say it now. Be polite, be firm, be honest, be brave. Do the right thing. You can say, “I’ll be busy for the next six months,” “I feel a migraine coming on,” or “I’m taking final vows on Thursday.” They’ll get the message. Just don’t say, “I’ll call” or “Maybe we can do this again” if you have no desire to do either.

• Don’t say you’ll call, fax, e-mail, beep. It’s not nice to be dishonest about what you intend to do.
• Don’t have sex. The reason is pretty obvious, right?

Ending so-so date

Sometimes you’re not sure how you feel until the excitement dies down and real-life takes over and you regain your perspective. That’s perfectly fine. Just ’fess up. Tell your date you had a good time, your head is spinning, and you need a little time to sort out your feelings. It may sound a tad insensitive, but it’s much better than the “Hey, baby, I’ll call you” line if you’re really not sure you will.
If your date says to you he or she needs a few days to digest it all, smile sweetly, say “Great” and go home. Not go phone. Simply go home and live your life. Remember, a watched phone never rings.
So if you’re not sure about the date:

• Wait for follow-up — but live your life: Don’t spend all your time waiting next to the phone.
• Give yourself a week or so to ponder: Upon reflection, the scales usually tip one way or the other.
• Don’t have sex: If you’re not sure how you feel about the date, you are definitely not ready to have sex.

Ending successful date

If your date is going well, mention date number two before date number one is over. You don’t have to fish out your PDA or whip out a cell phone to check with your secretary or your mom or your boss, but the subject can be broached. This is important: Be honest (don’t say you’ll call just to be nice).
When the date ends, do any — or all — of the following:

• Make out: You know, share soulful kisses and tender caresses — but don’t have sex.
  
• Follow up: Call, e-mail, fax, beep.

Ending the Date Gracefully

At first glance, it would seem easy to know when a date is over. The empty dishes have been cleared off your table, the check is paid, the theater lights are up, or the sun has risen. There are definitely markers. But a date is an emotional event. What’s an empty restaurant and five glaring waiters when this could be true love? Plus, if things are going well, you’re also battling your biology.
When you’re in the throes of infatuation, a chemical in your brain called phenylethylamine (PEA) causes those tingly feelings of euphoria. Other neurochemicals, namely norepinephrine and dopamine, may also play a part in your “lover’s high.” These natural “uppers” are what cause lovers to stay awake all night gazing into each other’s eyes or talking into the wee hours of the morning. Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, this chemically induced elation fades. Your brain can’t stay in a revved-up state forever! Pacing yourself may seem like a waste of time if you and your date have clicked from the start. But in the long run, it’s always better to leave them wanting more than feeling like it was just this side of too much. Assuming your date has gone well, you want the end of your first date to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, not the grand finale of one memorable night.