Ending a disastrous date

If you don’t want to see each other again, don’t say you’ll call. If you’re bored to tears, don’t say, “Yeah, that would be fun,” when your date suggests a follow-up day at the beach. It’s icky, it’s awkward, it’s painful, it makes your forehead sweat, but honesty is ultimately the best way to go. If you have no intention of seeing what’s behind date number two, say it now. Be polite, be firm, be honest, be brave. Do the right thing. You can say, “I’ll be busy for the next six months,” “I feel a migraine coming on,” or “I’m taking final vows on Thursday.” They’ll get the message. Just don’t say, “I’ll call” or “Maybe we can do this again” if you have no desire to do either.

• Don’t say you’ll call, fax, e-mail, beep. It’s not nice to be dishonest about what you intend to do.
• Don’t have sex. The reason is pretty obvious, right?

Ending so-so date

Sometimes you’re not sure how you feel until the excitement dies down and real-life takes over and you regain your perspective. That’s perfectly fine. Just ’fess up. Tell your date you had a good time, your head is spinning, and you need a little time to sort out your feelings. It may sound a tad insensitive, but it’s much better than the “Hey, baby, I’ll call you” line if you’re really not sure you will.
If your date says to you he or she needs a few days to digest it all, smile sweetly, say “Great” and go home. Not go phone. Simply go home and live your life. Remember, a watched phone never rings.
So if you’re not sure about the date:

• Wait for follow-up — but live your life: Don’t spend all your time waiting next to the phone.
• Give yourself a week or so to ponder: Upon reflection, the scales usually tip one way or the other.
• Don’t have sex: If you’re not sure how you feel about the date, you are definitely not ready to have sex.

Ending successful date

If your date is going well, mention date number two before date number one is over. You don’t have to fish out your PDA or whip out a cell phone to check with your secretary or your mom or your boss, but the subject can be broached. This is important: Be honest (don’t say you’ll call just to be nice).
When the date ends, do any — or all — of the following:

• Make out: You know, share soulful kisses and tender caresses — but don’t have sex.
  
• Follow up: Call, e-mail, fax, beep.

Ending the Date Gracefully

At first glance, it would seem easy to know when a date is over. The empty dishes have been cleared off your table, the check is paid, the theater lights are up, or the sun has risen. There are definitely markers. But a date is an emotional event. What’s an empty restaurant and five glaring waiters when this could be true love? Plus, if things are going well, you’re also battling your biology.
When you’re in the throes of infatuation, a chemical in your brain called phenylethylamine (PEA) causes those tingly feelings of euphoria. Other neurochemicals, namely norepinephrine and dopamine, may also play a part in your “lover’s high.” These natural “uppers” are what cause lovers to stay awake all night gazing into each other’s eyes or talking into the wee hours of the morning. Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, this chemically induced elation fades. Your brain can’t stay in a revved-up state forever! Pacing yourself may seem like a waste of time if you and your date have clicked from the start. But in the long run, it’s always better to leave them wanting more than feeling like it was just this side of too much. Assuming your date has gone well, you want the end of your first date to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, not the grand finale of one memorable night.

Picking Up the Check

The moment has arrived. You dab the corners of your mouth with a napkin as the waiter strategically positions the check halfway between you and your date. Now what? You asked, you pay.
I know I’m going to catch a little heat, but my rule for the first date, at least, is the asker (male or female) forks over the dough. After that, you can negotiate other arrangements. Or you can let the check sit there and stew.
What paying means:

• You’re investing in this relationship . . . no matter how briefly.
• You’re not cheap . . . on any level.
• You’ve got class and style and a little jingle in your pocket. Everyone loves all three.

What paying doesn’t mean:

• You’ve just bought sex, too.
• You’ve bought yourself another date.
• Your date now owes you.

Lighten up

No matter what happens, the biggest thing to bear in mind is this: It’s a date —just a date. Not brain surgery or the cure for cancer or the Bill of Rights or Macbeth. It’s not serious drama with dire consequences. It’s a date. So while you’re in the midst of it all, why not lighten up? The punsters weren’t kidding when they said, “Laughter is the best medicine.” Several studies have found that jovial belly laughs not only improve circulation and work muscles all over the body, but they relieve stress much in the same way aerobic exercise does. Even in our darkest moments, laughter can instantly make things seem, and feel, much better. Though I don’t recommend tossing one-liners non-stop, looking on the bright side of a dim moment can mean the difference between a disaster date and one that’s the beginning of a great relationship.

Big date do’s and don’ts

It’s prom night, your sister’s wedding, your 30th birthday, New Year’s Eve, a retirement party at the firm . . . whatever. When it comes to a BIG date, as in not-just-any-old-Saturday-night date, these guidelines help you have a great time:

• DO plan ahead. Big dates are almost always dates you know are coming weeks in advance. Arrange your date as soon as possible so he or she can mark a calendar, rent a tux, buy a great present, etc.
  
• DON’T make a first date a big date. It’s too risky and too loaded.
  
• DO ask someone with whom you’re really comfortable. Big dates tend to be longer than your average date and often include family members. The last thing you want is a high-maintenance date.
• DON’T make your big date such a big deal that your companion feels like it’s a pre-marital date, too. It’s okay to go out on a big date with Mr. or Ms. Kinda Right or Right Now.
  
• DO substitute a platonic date when a great date isn’t in the cards. It’s better to have a fun time with a friend (or alone!) than have a miserable time with a date who doesn’t work out.