Mirroring

You know that great feeling when you and another person are totally in sync? You laugh at the same jokes, love the same food, both thought The English Patient was way too long? Similarity is the essence of connection, and connection is the essence of trust, and trust is the foundation for true love.
You’re mirroring each other if you’re

• Duplicating your date’s body language. Are you both leaning forward at the same time, each sitting with legs crossed?
• Adopting the same speaking rhythm. Are you both talking softly, going back and forth conversationally, sharing the same pacing?
• Echoing style or energy level. Are you both mellow or energized, calm or hyped? Subtlety is the essence of good mirroring.
  

You don’t want to get caught mimicking your date. The trick is to have your date feel connected, not pick up on a monkey-see, monkey-do act. You’ll naturally either fall into — or out of — a sort of relationship sync, which you can’t fake for long. Rather than direct yourself to do it, see whether mirroring just occurs normally.

Negative body language signs

Your date may not be finger-drumming the tabletop, but displaying any of the following signals can be a warning:

• Frequent nodding: The Yin and Yang of body language, a little nodding is a good sign; continuous head-bobbing means you’ve lost the connection.
• Open mouth: If your date always seems to be trying to break in, you may be too long-winded and have lost your partner’s interest.
• Hands on mouth: This is a censoring mechanism, literally stopping the words as they come out of the mouth — not a good sign.
  
• Arms crossed: Any type of closed-up body posture indicates a barrier between the two of you (unless the room is cold — look for goose bumps).
  
• Arms behind the head: On a first date, this is a classic sign of dominance . . . or the attempt to gain it.
• Yawning: You guessed it — bored to tears. We’ve all been learning to interpret nonverbal cues since the first time our mothers cradled us; survival depended on spotting Dad’s mood or Grandma’s pride or our sister’s sulking.

Studies have shown that kids who can easily read subtle facial cues survive the perils of grammar school far better than their more obtuse peers. If you suspect that your date is annoyed or bored or impatient, it’s okay to test the waters. See whether changing the subject works or even, egad, say, “I seem to have turned you off.” Then ask, “Was it something I said?” You’ll score points for sensitivity. But ask only once. No nagging! Okay, now that you know all this stuff, should you become Sherlock Holmes or just enjoy your date? Elementary, my dear. Relax and enjoy. However, if you want a way to check out your own unconscious reactions, you don’t need to study a videotape to see if you’re mirroring.

Positive body language signs

If your date is using a lot of the following signals, you can take it as a good sign that he or she is interested and having a good time. Congratulations!

• Good eye contact: Gazing (not staring) into someone’s eyes is a good sign.
• Leaning forward: Making the space between you two smaller and cozier signals that interest is on the way up and walls are on the way down.
  
• Relaxed posture: Sitting or standing comfortably and breathing smoothly indicates that your date is open and non-defensive.
  
• Palms up: Open hands indicate a warm and receptive heart.
  
• Touching: If the touching is warm rather than suggestive, you’re making contact.
• Nodding: If your date nods periodically as you speak, you’re on the same wavelength.
• Mirroring: Unconsciously reflecting each other’s behavior — leaning forward at the same time, breathing in sync, crossing the same leg over the other at the same time, speaking in the same tone — says that you’re attuned to one another.
• Synchronization: Simultaneous breathing, blinking, and shifting in your seat means you’re in sync.

Flutter those lashes, girl

A German scientist, Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, once studied women’s flirting behavior and
found that nearly all women make the same facial movements when they flirt, in the exact same order. They

1. Smile.
2. Lift their eyebrows in a fast, jerky motion.
3. Open their eyes wide (a sign of sympathetic system arousal, which means that the “Hey, pay attention!” part of our nervous system has kicked into gear).
4. Lower their eyelids.
5. Tilt their heads down and to the side (a universal sign of submission in the animal kingdom).
6. Look away.

Sound like anyone you know? These flirting gestures are so universal that Eibl-Eibesfeldt believes they’re innate sexual signals evolved from the beginning of human history.

Interpreting Body Language

Your body speaks louder than words. So does your date’s. How many dates will tell you flat out that they’re having a rotten time? Few, if any. Yet how many will catch periodic glimpses of their watch? Hopefully, not many. In the mating game, women use their heads, and men use their chests. Literally. Women toss their hair or sweep their heads back as a sign of attraction; men simply puff out their chests. It’s a throwback to our primitive pasts when big, burly Cro-Magnon men and savvy Cro-Magnon women were the kings and queens of the veldt. Now, in our modern jungle, the signs are still there. You just have to know what to look for.
If you spend all your time looking at nonverbal cues, you’re not going to be focusing on what your date is saying and you’re not going to be doing your part about spontaneously responding. So chill out here and don’t spend more than a millisecond of your precious time together “studying” your date. If you do, you’ll both be miserable.
Reading body language is far from an exact science. It’s one part observation, two parts interpretation. People cross their arms when they’re cold as well as closed off. Look for consistent groups of gestures or a suddenly inconsistent movement. Look for patterns, but don’t get hung up here. Focus on what you’re saying verbally to one another and look to nonverbal clues only when in doubt.

Flirting Fun

Remind yourself that you’re here to have fun, and your jaw unclenches, your shoulders drop down, your eyes sparkle, your breathing slows, and you’re ready to flirt.
Flirting is a delicious, low-budget, irresistible, safe-sex sort of way to make you and your date feel tingly all over. The essence of flirting is interest. No one ever flirts with anyone they don’t want to know a little bit better. That’s why flirting on a first date can be so alluring. You’re showing your date you didn’t make a mistake. You’re interested and ready to go. What could be sexier that that? (Okay, I know, but not yet.)
Here’s a quick list of what to do (and not do) when flirting with your date:

• Use your whole body. Talking the talk without walking the walk is utterly ineffective. Don’t believe it? Try telling a woman she’s beautiful or a guy he’s hunky and then shift your eyes away, and see if you’re believed. Flirty body language begins with the eyes and works its way all the way down to the tips of your footsies. Lean forward, make eye contact, smile, bend your knees a bit, and untense your hands and arms. Remember to relax a bit; this should be fun, not like defusing a bomb.
• Make eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is very compelling. It makes a person feel like they’ve got your undivided attention, which they should.
• Smile, don’t smirk. There’s a reason why synonyms for smirk include sneer, leer, and grimace: Smirking is an unattractive and unpleasant expression. Avoid it. Smile openly and sincerely — it’s irresistible.
• Pay attention. No looking like you’re trying to remember if you fed the cat.
• Lighten up; don’t bulldoze. Telling your date he or she is incredibly hot isn’t flirting; it’s steering your dating experience directly into a mountain.
• Focus on your partner, not yourself. Without slipping into a Barbara Walters–type litany of prefabricated questions — such as “Whom do you most admire?” or “If you were a farm animal, what kind would you be?” —make your date feel as though every word is a pearl of wisdom.
• Don’t think you can’t do it. Anyone can flirt . . . even if only a little. Flirting is a sign of confidence, and even if you’re feeling a teensy bit shaky, give it a try. Practice makes perfect and flirty. You don’t have to be smooth — just sincere.
• Enjoy yourself. Fun is the flirter’s playground. Once you’re having fun, getting others to play is easy.

Religion Topics in Dating

If the word “Christmas” or “Hanukkah” slips out while you’re relaying a funny family story, so be it. If the Bible or the Torah or a Jehovah’s Witness brochure slips out while you reach for your wallet, that’s a bit over-the-top. Religion and your relationship (or non-relationship) with whomever you may or may not believe in is your own business — at least for now. You don’t want to put your date on the spot. If your date puts you on the spot by asking, say, whether you believe in God, simply change the subject by asking her whether she believes O. J. was guilty.