After the Perfect Date

After you’ve said goodnight and the ideal date has come to a close, both of you are high on life, awash in good feelings. You grin, sigh, kiss your dog on the top of his head, or nuzzle with your cat. If you’re a girl, you want to do what girls do — talk about it; you want to lie down on your dorm bed or curl up with the phone and tell a good friend every glorious detail. If you’re a guy, you feel all warm and fuzzy, too, but you probably carry those feelings more internally and quietly; you do your homework, turn on the TV, wash the car, read the paper, dribble a basketball, burp — your normal life stuff — all very satisfied that your date was a success. You don’t need to fret. You’ve won. Inside your heads, however, a lush fantasy is brewing. Or, I should say, two lush fantasies. One female, one male. This is where things can get a little sticky if you expect your date to have the very same vision that you do.

All the right moves

The day after a so-so date can be confusing. Do you call? Do you sit tight? Apologize? Swear you’ll never wear that puce pantsuit again? Knowing precisely when to be passive and when to charge is hard. My general rule is this:
If your date derailed because of something you said or did, call and apologize. Everyone makes dumb mistakes. Everyone understands. It’s saying nothing that leaves a bad taste with everyone.
If, on the other hand, your date just didn’t sizzle like you hoped it would for some reason you can’t pin down, let time shed a little light on the situation. Don’t call the next day (or that night). In fact, don’t call at all until you’re sure of these three things:

_ You want a second date because you like the person, not just because you want to make sure they like you.
_ You’ve identified what you may do differently next time, like relax, go to a place where you can talk, not bring your mother, and so on.
_ You’re not feeling so guilty and responsible that your second date becomes a “make-up” date instead of a second chance to get to know one another.

Valium for the soul

Often, when things don’t quite go as well as they could on a date, the reason is nerves. Nerves make you laugh too hard or too little, pre-judge every word you utter, or beat yourself up for every little faux pas. Your date was likely nervous, too. It’s hard to be charming when your date is tense. It’s also hard to put someone else at ease when you’re stiff and uncomfortable.
When you get home from a so-so date:
1. Sit down in a comfy chair.
2. Shut your eyes.
3. Take five deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth.
4. Visualize your date floating up and out of your consciousness like a soft, fluffy cloud.
5. Repeat after me:

I am not perfect.
I don’t need to be perfect to be loved.
This was only one date.
There will be another date.
Next time I will feel safe enough to reveal more of myself.

Restoring your confidence

The worst side effect of a rotten date is the potential for ego devastation. How can you hop back on the horse when your date said you looked, acted, and brayed like one? What you may need the day after the date from hell is a real confidence booster. Even if you have to work the next day, set aside at least a teeny bit of time to do something you know you do well. Some possibilities are (this is also a good list to keep in mind if your date was so-so or even fabulous — or even if you’ve just resigned from dating forever):

• Get outside and take a walk or go golfing (even if it’s miniature) or hiking or climb a mountain (even if it’s a molehill).
• Get some exercise — you’ll liberate endorphins, the feel-good chemicals.
• Make a gourmet meal.
• Make your mom laugh.
• Teach your old dog a new trick.
• Impress your boss.
• Eat chocolate.
• Call a friend.
• Splurge on a magazine, CD, or book.

Whatever you do, make sure it’s life-affirming, fun, and filling — as in filling you up with pride. Then forget all about your lousy date and look forward to the next great one.

Five ways to put a hideous date in perspective

1. Rent Fatal Attraction.
2. Thank technology for VCRs and DVD recorders — you didn’t have to miss anything while you were out.
3. Count how many days you’ve been alive. Subtract only one.
4. Look at your watch — it just seemed like forever.
5. Check your pulse. You survived!

After an Icky Date

The day after a disastrous date can be full of blame, guilt, shame, and copious amounts of chocolate — if you let it. Or you can take a deep breath and call it like it is: one date that didn’t ring your chimes. Period. What I don’t want you to do is

• Bad-mouth your date.
• Call and beg forgiveness.
• Berate yourself all day (week, month, year, life).
• Vow never to date again.
• Quickly arrange a date with just anybody to prove it’s not you that’s icky.
• Avoid feeling disappointed by overeating, over-drinking, over-drugging . . . overdoing anything.

Look, feeling disappointed is okay. It’s a letdown when things don’t work out as you hoped! But you can feel it without wallowing in it. You can experience a disappointment without draping yourself in black. Most importantly, you can forgive yourself and your date for not being a perfect match. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s life.

Second Thoughts on First Impressions

A date-long first impression is different from the two-second once-over your date gives you when you initially meet. It’s more than a primal, visceral thing. Throughout the time you spend together, your date’s five senses are working overtime — taking it all in. Processing every nuance, every sigh, every touch. Even the stuff your date isn’t aware he or she sees, hears, smells, touches, and tastes is seen, heard, touched, smelled, and tasted. Above and beyond the five senses are your date’s sense of style, appropriateness, manners, space, self — you name it. Every part of your date’s past and present being comes into play when evaluating you and how he or she feels about you. Yikes! No wonder we all get nervous on a first date! What you can do if you don’t want your first impression to last a lifetime is to create another one. As simple as that. It’s okay to call your date and say, “I was a bit jittery last night. What do you say we try again next week?” Or you can lay your cards right on the table by saying, “I feel like I didn’t show you who I really am. I’d like another chance to do so.”
Honesty is appealing. Vulnerability is sexy. Unless you’re a mass of quivering insecurity, few people can resist someone who’s human enough to admit they didn’t show you a true picture and would like a second shot. If your date was fantastic, no need to redo anything. If the date didn’t go as well as expected, maybe a bit of remedial work is in order. If you have just experienced the Guinness Book’s lousy-date record, you need to give yourself some first aid.