Understanding the Psychology of Stress

In previous chapters, I discuss the physiology of stress: how your body shifts into the fight-or-flight mode and pumps you up with adrenaline when you face a tense situation. Later in this chapter, I give you step-by-step instructions on how to calm those heart-racing, stomach-churning, mouth-drying, palm-sweating symptoms. Now, though, I want you to explore the other side —the psychology of stress.
Stress is your system’s response to being overtaxed by anxiety due to excess drink, sun, food, work, or even fun — too much of anything, even good stuff, stretches the boundaries. Stress is a spring that’s wound too tightly. It’s your body’s equivalent of a flashing yellow light, a Caution sign, or a Slippery when Wet warning.
When you’re just getting to know someone, your senses rally all their resources to help you evaluate whether this human being is a friend or foe. Intuition, past experiences, present observations, your ability to trust — they all come into play and keep cooking as new “cues” come your way. Until you’ve had enough positive cues to convince you that — whew! — this person is okay (he or she isn’t going to hurt me, humiliate me, or leave me holding the check), you’re going to feel a tad stressed, and the yellow light continues to flash, meaning you’re not ready to let your guard down just yet.
You can reduce your anxiety by understanding that stress is a natural and useful response to an unknown and potentially scary situation. Instead of dismissing your stress, you can leave yourself on guard and then, as you feel more confident, allow less and less of a barrier between the two of you, which is the whole point of dating. It’s okay to leave this wall of protection in place for a while, while you peek around to see what’s on the other side.

Countdown toward dating

• 10 minutes Scan your reflection in a full-length mirror. Check for hanging threads, lint, and cat hair. Note: If you see a thread dangling from a button, don’t pull the thread. It’ll fall off as sure as leaves vacate trees in autumn. Instead, wrap the thread around the button and make a mental note to sew it on before date two.
• 9 minutes Use the restroom. If you don’t have to go now, you probably will in ten minutes, so give it a shot.
• 8 minutes Double-check your purse or wallet. Make sure you have your driver’s license, cash, credit cards, lipstick, tissues, keys, and breath mints. Stash your purse near the door and your wallet near your heart.
• 7 minutes Give your shoes a quick buff with a shoe shine brush or soft cloth (not the back of your pants —that’s for emergencies only).
• 6 minutes If you’re going to wear an overcoat or jacket, take it out of the closet and drape it over a chair near the door. It’s rarely wise to let a date see behind any closed doors until you at least know the person’s middle name.
• 5 minutes Grab a hand mirror and check out the back of your head. Make sure your hair looks as good going as coming.
• 4 minutes Quick tooth check. Lipstick? Dried spittle in the corners of your mouth? Parsley? Chocolate? Take care of it immediately.
• 3 minutes Quick breath check. Because no one can smell his or her own bad breath, play it safe and pop one of those breath mints you’ve stashed in your purse or pocket.
• 2 minutes Deep breathing. Shut your eyes, inhale, hold, blow it out through your minty-fresh mouth. Repeat for the full minute.
• 1 minute Guided imagery. Close your eyes again and picture a calm person answering the door with an easy, inviting smile.

One Final Checklist

The best way to appear casual and relaxed is to have done your homework.
The Boy Scouts are right: Be prepared. Preparation creates calm and security. There’s nothing like knowing you have it all under control and the bases are covered. Conversely, what’s more anxiety producing than being caught short? Besides, preparation is the realm of grown-ups. Only little kiddies frantically dash around at the last minute trying to tie up loose ends. To not only appear grown-up but to be way cool:

• Know where you’re going.
• Know how to get there.
• Make sure you have enough gas.
• Know how much (more or less) thing are going to cost.
• Make sure you have enough money.
• Make sure you have $20 tucked somewhere for emergencies.
• Make sure your watch is working.
• Check the following:
• Breath
• Teeth
• Wallet
• Condom (always be prepared!)
• Pits
• Wardrobe
• Baby-sitter (when appropriate)
• Curfew (when appropriate)
• Calendar (make sure you’ve got the right day, date, and time)
• Date’s phone number (for emergency traffic snarls, lost directions, and so on)
• Date’s address
• Tickets (for time and date)

Fellas, if you want to win a huge number of points, make sure you always have two clean, ironed handkerchiefs on hand. You can buy them very cheaply at street fairs or discount stores. Keep a bunch around because nothing will stun a woman more than offering her a clean, white, pressed, unscented handkerchief when she gets something in her eye or when she’s crying at a movie. You instantly become the man. Tissues will not work.

Know your Directions

Take a deep breath, guys. I’m not going to suggest that you ask for directions. But, what I will say to both men and women is this: Know where you’re going and the best way to get there before you pick up your date. In addition, know how to navigate the location once you arrive: Know where to park the car, where the front door is, and (if you really want to impress your date) where the restrooms are.
I know you would never not know where you’re going, but heaven forbid you get lost and have to look at a map. Until you know each other really well, beware these seven words: “A map is in the glove compartment.” This seemingly innocent statement sends shivers of fear through otherwise normal people. Orient the map may mean “find China” to one of you and “get out the compass and find true north” to the other. One person reading a map while the other is driving in foreign territory is asking for trouble: One of you helplessly watches highway exits whiz by while the other frantically searches for the name of the city you’re in. If (heaven forbid) you must consult a map, do you and your date a favor and pull over, pull the map out, and leave the radio on something soothing. Never, even when you do know one another really well, utter these nine words: “Let’s find a gas station and ask for directions.”

Money management in dating

The time to swing by the ATM is the day before your date. Nothing kills the illusion of a together, take-charge person faster than fumbling with your PIN while your date waits in the car.
If you ask, you pay. So be sure to do the following:

• Stash plenty of cash. If you can’t afford where you’re going, go someplace else.
• Don’t assume the place you’re going takes credit cards. If you don’t know (meaning you haven’t called in advance to make sure), bring enough cash to cover the most expensive item on the menu or at the venue. Or better, call in advance to both the place and your credit card customer service to make sure that your card will be accepted there (or anywhere).
• Have a few dollar bills handy for tipping valets, and so on. For a rough estimate on how much you’ll need for tips

Transportation management in dating

No, you don’t have to pick your date up in a stretch limo to be impressive. What you do need to do is gas up and clean out your car (especially if you still smoke). Empty the ashtray, wipe down the dash, and pick up the lipstick that rolls to the front every time you hit the brakes. Use all five senses. If your auto smells like a locker room, spritz air freshener after you clean up. If it looks like you pass through a fast food drive-thru each time you hit the road, vacuum and scan for shriveled french fries and errant ketchup packs in the crevices beside your seat.
Unless you want your date to think you moonlight as a cab driver, take that dangling air freshener (and anything else that dangles above your dash) off the rearview mirror.
Many city folk, some youngsters, and future billionaires who’d rather spend time in front of a computer screen than behind the wheel don’t have a car. If you’re in that category, you can do the following:

• Have a (clean, undented) cab waiting.
• Plan to meet at the date destination.
• Rent a car.
• Borrow a car.
• Go somewhere within walking distance.
• Hire a car service for the night.
• Okay, impress your date with a stretch limo (but not on a first date).

There’s no shame to having no wheels. Where a reprimand creeps in, however, is when the “autoless” treat the “autoed” like chauffeurs. Don’t go there. Most importantly, don’t make your date go there to pick you up.

Time management in dating

Most people have a thing about time. Some people, like me, are always early and hate being kept waiting. Tardiness can feel really insulting. (I’ve always been prompt, but being a broadcaster makes me especially careful. If you’re a minute late, you can lose your job. The “on air” light waits for no one.) Some people always keep you waiting as a sign of power. They feel important when they make people wait for them. What’s really important, though, especially in the beginning of a relationship, is to show consideration for each other and be on time. It lowers the adrenaline and anxiety in an already tense situation. For those of you who are always late, remind yourself that you’re late for your mom or your little brother because you can be. You know they’ll put up with it. You’re probably not late for your boss, because she won’t put up with it and will can you. Ask yourself whether you’re using time as a way of armwrestling for attention. If so, figure out a better way to get attention. Promptness is the courtesy of kings, and isn’t that how we all want to be treated?
I know it’s considered cool to keep your escort waiting downstairs for your descent, but think about it: Is it any more acceptable for you to keep him waiting than for him to keep you on ice? It’s rude and can really throw plans and stomachs into turmoil.
If you want to make sure you’re on time, try these techniques:

• If you’re not sure where you’re going, plan a dry run the day before. Getting lost will make you late and nervous.
• If you always tend to be late, give yourself an extra half-hour to get ready. This is a great idea even if you’re not dating!
• Decide to be on time. Clocks are simple to read if you actually look at them.
• Don’t overbook. If you can’t easily make it to the cleaners on your way home from work so that you have enough time to walk the dog before you shower, shampoo, shave, and blow-dry your hair, make a later date or get a cat.