Guide and Tips for Dating

Applying the Brakes

2011-05-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid, and your parents were driving the whole family to Disneyland or Magic Mountain or Lion Country Safari? As soon as you saw the signs on the highway telling you there were only a few miles left to go, you hopped up and down on your seat and squealed, “Faster! Faster!” You couldn’t wait to get there. Remember what your parents said in response? “Calm down. It’ll still be there when we get there.” The same holds true for this thing you’re on the verge of experiencing. Calm down. It’ll still be there when you get there. You’re still in the ignition stage. As you read through this chapter, I want you to envision a flashing yellow light. Proceed cautiously. Don’t come to a complete stop, but slow down and look both ways. Enjoy the scenery. I know it’s hard chilling out when you can’t wait to arrive. (I have a daughter. We’ve been to Disney World.) But there are lots of really good reasons why it’s a good idea to take a deep breath and gently apply the brakes, or at least be a little less lead-footed with the gas.
In previous chapters, I talk about the chemistry of love. What you’re dealing with in this early stage of dating is the chemistry of lust, which can be much more compelling and much more confusing. When your dates go well, your brain becomes flooded with natural amphetamines, or uppers, that make you feel — literally — high on life. You’re full of happiness, energy, optimism. If you were on an old Mary Tyler Moore Show episode, you’d toss your hat up in the air. It feels like this excitement will last forever, which is lust’s practical joke on us all. It doesn’t last. Eventually, the chemicals fade, and if deeper feelings haven’t developed, your fledgling “relationship” fades as well. When you race into a relationship instead of meandering along the scenic route, not only do you miss out on all the good stuff you’d never see otherwise, but you also set yourself up to drive straight off a cliff if things don’t work out. It’s hard to see all those Dead End or Detour or Slippery When Wet signs when you’re speeding, so the ultimate crash and burn takes you completely by surprise.

Focus: Why do I really want this person in my life? Is it about liking him or her or how good it feels to have this person like me?
Motive: Is this a romance or a rescue mission? Do I need or want this person?
Rationale: Do I think I’ll lose him or her if I don’t give all I’ve got right away?
Function: Is this more about getting into bed rather than getting to know someone?

Be honest. It’s important to know what’s truly lurking in your head and your heart. Misleading a date is uncool. Misleading yourself is unwise.

Four Stages of Attachment

2011-05-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

Although each dating situation is unique, each progresses in a fairly predictable way. This progression from first date to budding relationship is what I call the four stages of attachment:

Stage One: Ignition (from first date to first month): Your interest is just starting up. Hopefully, there’s enough fuel on both sides to ignite a spark. You’re on your best behavior, wear your best clothes, shine your shoes, wear clean socks, pluck your eyebrows, thin your sideburns, and stash breath mints in your pocket.
Stage Two: First Gear (from 1 month to 3 months): If all’s well, you didn’t pop the clutch and kill the engine or flood the carburetor. You’re getting to know each other and checking the rearview mirror a bit, but mostly you’re keeping your eyes on the road ahead, trying really hard to mesh those gears without going too fast. You’re relaxed enough to be real, to fumble with the check, to wear a shirt straight from the dryer without ironing it, perhaps even to wear something comfy rather than spiffy. You offer your date a breath mint, too, instead of just sneaking one for yourself.
Stage Three: Acceleration (from 3 months to 6 months): Foot on the gas pedal, you’re raring to go. Physical and emotional attraction are steaming up the windshield. You like each other a lot. You feel so comfy you invite your date over to your place even when you haven’t picked the newspaper off the floor. You order extra garlic on the pizza. You feel a sense of give and take. Some of the nervousness about whether you’re on the same page, map, or galaxy or in the same car has lessened a bit — okay, mostly a lot.
Stage Four: Cruise Control (from 6 months to 9 months): Sit back, relax; you’re on the freeway. It’s a bona fide relationship-to-be. You love each other, though you may not have said it yet. You’ve seen each other’s flaws and find them adorable. You ate cold garlic pizza for breakfast, and your mate asked you to, please, brush your teeth. Happily, you complied. Not only are you in the car together, you can take turns driving (right . . . ), choose destinations together, and really enjoy the trip.

Avoiding Pitfalls

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“Tell me a little about yourself” can always be countered by “What would you like to know?” which can be sidestepped by “Whatever you’d like to tell me.” Don’t be tempted to lie, even for effect. If you don’t plan to see this person again, stay on neutral subjects, talk about the weather, or — okay, okay — go to the movie where, at least, you won’t have to talk. Another pitfall to avoid is the tendency, when you hear a problem, to move in to fix it, becoming parent, therapist, or confessor. It’s awfully early to become a fixer.
If you do plan to see each other again, don’t worry that everything has to be said now or forever hold your peace. You have time, so relax and be as much yourself as you can. Pretend that you’re talking to a friend who doesn’t know you very well but likes you and isn’t going anyplace.

The Spanish Inquisition phenomenon

2011-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

The Spanish Inquisition was established by the Catholic Church to root out heretics in 1480. The inquisitors’ methods were brutal, employing, among other horrible torture devices, the rack, thumb screws, and boiling oil. You do not want your date to be reminded of this historical era as you tastefully peel away the protective layers and find out who this person is. Any question can feel like an intrusion, so make yourself and your date comfortable:

Share some things about yourself without dominating the conversation or showing off. The best way to elicit information is to offer some. I’ll show you me if you’ll show me you.
Ask thoughtful, nonaggressive questions. Doing so shows that you are genuinely interested and paying attention.
Avoid the enough-about-me-what-do-you-think-about-me? approach. Remember, the trick is seeming interested enough to ask gentle questions that show interest rather than reportorial zeal.

Good questions to ask

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It’s important not only to be interested but to seem interested in your date by asking cool questions like the following:

_ What do you do?
_ What sports do you like?
_ What’s your favorite free-time activity?
_ What movies have you seen?
_ What restaurants do you like?
_ Do you think the president’s doing a good job?

Avoid questions like the following:

Do you come here often? Trite, silly, and demeaning leading nowhere.
How’s your food? The most common response is “Fine.” Complaining is tacky, and what are you going to do about it? If you want to focus on the food (I wouldn’t suggest it), you can offer to share. You can find out gobs about your date very quickly by his or her willingness — or unwillingness — to share.
Can you believe the weather? Pleeeze try harder than this. It’s a deadend question that runs the risk of making you sound desperate. Good questions are those that draw your date out without putting him or her on the spot. The goal here is to learn about one another, not scare the daylights out of your date with your investigative prowess. You’re trying to show interest, not terrorize. Talk, explain, find out what makes your date tick a bit. It’s fun, so lighten up and follow these easy guidelines:
Be prepared to talk about a lot of things. You can see why keeping up with current events, the latest movie, a local political scandal, or (in a pinch) your horoscope is a cool idea. If all you can talk about is work or your exes, it’s going to be hard to begin building those conversational bridges that give you the feeling that you’re getting to know someone and letting him or her get to know you.
Don’t worry about your next question. Listen to your date’s response. It’s even okay to be quiet for a minute or two.
Don’t fall into the Spanish Inquisition phenomenon.

Past sexual experiences

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When in doubt, keep your mouth shut. If there was ever an area about which to draw a blank, it has to do with past sexual experiences. Over, done with, irrelevant. Don’t ask; don’t tell, even if tempted. You’ll both regret any departure from this policy.
All of us want to be loved not in spite of our warts but because of them. You want to feel that someone knows and loves the real you, but confessing sexual issues feels good for you for the moment but bad for the person who has to listen, and it will come back and haunt you both. See any pattern in the following list? You should. All these topics relate to past sexual experiences to keep a lid on:

_ Previous love affairs
_ Previous one-night stands
_ Previous indiscretions
_ Flings with the boss
_ Flings with your best friend’s significant other
_ Sexual preferences
_ Ménage à trois or more

If you have fantasies of being with someone else, remember that you’re not the only person who has occasionally thought about an old love or a movie star when you’re with your current date. The question is not “Is it okay?” but “How often does it occur, and how necessary does it feel?” If this type of fantasy happens most of the time, you’re not ready to be with this person. If it happens only occasionally and, in general, you’re pleased with your date, keep your mouth shut and enjoy the once-in-a-while forbidden pleasure of letting your mind wander.
You’re an adult, and human beings aren’t perfect. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Like everybody else, you’re a compendium of everything that’s come before: the people you’ve known (teachers, parents, sibs, the kindergarten bully, Sunday school teachers), the things you’ve done (your first kiss, dance lessons, strike-outs), and the things you’ve experienced (getting bad haircuts, developing crushes, receiving a favorite Valentine, getting a bloody nose, adoring favorite rock stars, losing report cards), and so on. Your sexual history is part of you, but the more you talk about it, the larger it’s likely to loom. And a looming sexual history does nothing but taint your current dating situation. If you need to confess about past sexual experiences, find a priest or a therapist, but with everyone else, adopt the Clinton plan: Don’t ask, don’t tell. You’ll both be happier and wiser.

When to say “I love you” (and when to keep quiet)

2011-03-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

Few things are more memorable than the magical, angst-ridden, fingers-crossed, breath-held, passion-filled moment when either you or your date says, “I love you.” The phrase is much more than three little words. It’s also a silent question. As in, “Do you love me, too?” Properly managing this moment can spell the difference between euphoria and humiliation. Tips:

Wait at least several months, a minimum of three but preferably longer, before confessing your true love — even if you feel it on the first night. It takes a while to gain and build trust. Zooming ahead too fast can easily backfire, and it’s really embarrassing to find out you changed your mind and you don’t really love ’em.
If your date says, “I love you” and you don’t love your date back, don’t say “Love you, too” just to be nice. You’ll open a can of worms that’ll only make a gigantic mess.
If you’ve been together a while and you’re just waiting for your date to spill the beans first, take a chance and tell him or her how you feel. Your date may be waiting for you to take the plunge.
Realize that “love” doesn’t always mean the same thing to everyone. For some, the word “love” is followed by the word “marriage.” For others, “love” is always followed by “ya.” Make sure you’re clear on how you feel before putting your feelings into words, and give a thought to the way your date might receive what you’re about to say.
Understand that true love implies commitment. If you’re not ready to be monogamous, connected, open, and loving, don’t say “I love you” just yet.
If the only time you’re tempted to confess love is during sex or when you’re apart, close your mouth, open your eyes, and see what’s really going on.

How to Sharing Feelings

2011-03-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

Setting guidelines on when to share feelings is a bit trickier. Admittedly, the coin of the realm for dating is feelings and intimacy, but in the early stages of dating, everything is a bit fragile. What you’re trying to do at this point is to set a firm foundation for everything to follow — but what this everything entails is almost impossible to predict.
A new dating situation is an investment between the two of you. You need to establish the ground rules together and get a feel for who both of you are and what you want all the while watching the interest mount, getting a return on your investment, and trusting the stability and reliability of the institution (that is, the idea that neither of you is going to rip the other off). Building this kind of trust takes a bit of time. Just as if you were to borrow money from a bank and be late on your first payment, the bank very well may see you as a bad credit risk and recall the loan. But if you’ve had the loan for years and have never been late or missed a payment, being late or missing a payment in year three will feel very different to both you and the bank.
When you share feelings, follow these basic rules:

Be a tad cautious. Over exuberance (for example, taking a pledge of undying love) can feel pretty scary if it’s in the first 15 minutes of a date. No, you don’t have to be Gary Cooper, strong and silent, or Mata Hari, the keeper of mysterious secrets, but blurting out unformed and unexamined feelings à la Pee-wee Herman can scare the daylights out of both of you.
Live with a feeling a bit before you express it. Make sure that what you’re saying is true for more than the moment. If you’ve just tripped over your date’s tennis shoe and you’re feeling angry, saying “I hate you, you slob” probably reflects emotions stronger than you’ll be feeling in ten minutes. If the sentiment isn’t going to be true for more than ten minutes, stifle it.
Get some perspective on your own emotions and some control over your mouth before you speak. Otherwise, you can mislead yourself and your date. Saying “I love you” when you mean “Thank you” or “I’d like to have sex,” for example, isn’t fair or kosher, and it misleads both of you. As the two of you get to know each other better and feel safer and more comfortable with one another and develop some history, your words will have a context and can be evaluated that way. You’ll have a track record together and will have enough experience to know what is characteristic and what isn’t.
In deciding what feelings to share and when, think about what would be reasonable to expect at any given time. A promise of undying love and devotion on the first date might feel kinda cool until you think it through. All of us long to be loved and appreciated, but on the first date? Nice — sorta — but completely unbelievable except in movies or romance novels or from folks who are a bit unbalanced, really needy, or really manipulative. So although “I really had a great time with you and I’d like to do it again. How about you?” isn’t quite as flamboyant as “Will you marry me? I knew from the first moment (five minutes ago) that you were the one,” it is a lot more believable. If you want to tell your grandchildren “We knew from the very first moment” 50 years from now, okay, but when in doubt, go slowly.

Guys’ proposing marriage on the first date is sorta cute and makes a girl feel really special. It also offsets the notion that all men are commitmentphobes who love ’em and leave ’em. But it is pure fantasy at best and blatant manipulation at worst. Dating should be fun, not a mind game or delusion.
So do share your feelings, but beware of temper and elation. Make sure they’re feelings you’ve been feeling for more than one second and can live with in an hour or two or a day or two. If you really must say it, finesse a bit — for example, “I know it’s too soon to be feeling this, but it sure feels good to me right now” — and then laugh sweetly. Trust is a fragile thing. You need to trust not only each other, but yourself.

Things to tell if asked or pushed

2011-03-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

The preceding sections outline the type of information you should share at some point in the relationship. But what about the information that you’re not obligated to share but have been asked for? You know the type of questions: the ones — like “How many relationships have you been in?” — that come out when you least expect it and leave you sputtering in your dessert. Do you avoid answering? Subtly change the subject? Look at your date like it’s none of his or her business (which it isn’t, really)? Or just ’fess up? Although historical accuracy isn’t required in answering a question like this — in other words, you can avoid giving too much detail (think of Andie MacDowell’s character in Four Weddings and a Funeral) — if you stonewall completely, you’re likely to make your date think you have something to hide. So the best answer is to give a brief history — more or less what you’d put on an entry in who’s who in American dating circles — and then move on without editorial comment that includes who, how long, how many, or preferred positions. Some questions are so hard to answer that you really should feel compelled to answer only if you’re pushed — that is, if your date won’t let the subject drop and not answering is likely to hurt the relationship more than a tactful but honest answer would. Some questions that fall into this category are

Why didn’t you have an orgasm?
What is wrong with me?
Why don’t you like my friend?

Things to tell eventually

2011-02-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

Sooner or later, the I’ll-do-anything-you-like-to-do phase has to stop; not only is it boring, but it’s also not entirely honest. After all, you must have some likes and dislikes. They’re what make you the person you are, and jettisoning them all in the interest of harmony is a short-sighted perspective. At this point (I’m talking date three or four, max), you want to be honest about who you are and what you enjoy doing. This information is not first tier — it doesn’t need to be understood as the bedrock facts of the relationship on date one — but it is important enough to be risked even if the result is mild turbulence; otherwise, you run the risk of being trapped by your pretenses. If you can’t keep up the ruse forever (and you can’t), it’s best not to keep it up at all. But realistically, at the beginning of a dating experience, we all resonate a bit; we want to be liked and likable and agreeable, and so we soften our own preferences because we want the relationship to endure. But sooner or later, the real you has to come out, and the sooner the better. After all, you want as few unpleasant surprises as possible.
Almost everyone has strong feelings about something. See if I push any of your love or loathe buttons with the following:

Aerobics
Football
Ballet
Bullfighting
Boxing
Sky diving
Types of food (Chinese, Mexican, French, and so on)
White-water rafting
Your date’s

• Perfume or aftershave
• Temper
• Drinking
• Sense of humor
• Socks
Note: As you get seemingly closer to the loath side of the list, it becomes even more important to temper your firm opinions with gentleness.
As you share your likes and dislikes in the name of honesty, be gentle. Telling
someone you’re not crazy about football may be jarring to a die-hard fan, but
you need to be especially careful about mouthing off about your date’s

Best friend
Parents
Dog
Hair color
Haircut
Height
Weight
Religion

Things to tell immediately

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If there’s something about you that you think can affect any long-term prospects and that more than two people know, you may as well ’fess up on the first few dates — especially if you feel that it may blow things. You can try to create an environment that makes sense, but keeping that big of a secret from the get-go adds pressure and nervousness at a pressurized time. If you’d tell a same-sex potential friend, tell your date. If your date is cool about it, you’re relaxed. If not, at least you haven’t invested much already. Information that more than two people have isn’t a secret. If your date is likely to find out sooner to later, you may as well tell sooner rather than jeopardize the relationship once it progresses and the additional factor of trust is introduced (as in, “If you’d lie about this, what else haven’t you told me?”). Any long-term relationship is based on trust. If you can’t trust someone, you can’t love that someone, so don’t start off hiding important facts. The list of things you definitely must share includes most of the biggies in life. You should share this information by the third or fourth date. Any earlier is unnecessarily brutal; after all, if you really don’t fancy one another, why parade the skeletons from your closet? Any later is viewed as a breach of trust (plus, not having shared can get you in more trouble than any upset that telling may now create).

Previous marriages: How many times you’ve been married, how long you were married, and how long you’ve been apart. But don’t go into too much detail. See the later section “Keeping Mum.” Notice that you should confess previous marriages, not whether you’re married or separated or in the process of divorce. The reason? If you are married or separated or in the process of a divorce, you have no business dating at all — not until one full year after the divorce is final. I’m not kidding here. If you fit into one of these three categories, you can hang out with friends, work out, paint your house, become a temporary workaholic, take courses, volunteer — but you can’t date.
Previous convictions and parole violations: What crime you were convicted of and how long you were in prison. (I’m sorta kidding here, but stuff happens.)
Previous bankruptcies: How long ago you filed for bankruptcy and why.
Previous kids: How many, how old, whether they live with you, and if they don’t, how often you see them.
Previous sex change operations: What can I say? When should you share this information? You don’t necessarily have to share it when you first lay eyes on one another, but before the end of the third date at latest. Confessions of any kind — even “I think you’re swell” — need to be seen and heard in context. The best rule for when to tell is when you’d want to know if you were the one about to hear what you have to say.

Volunteering Information

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What information you share — and when — depends on who you are and your level of comfort with openness and who your date is. If your date is open and friendly and accepting, you most likely feel comfortable sharing more. If you’re dating someone reserved, you’re likely a bit less forthcoming. This is called mirroring and survival and common sense. Some people are quite comfortable sharing some parts of their lives and less comfortable sharing other parts. What you’re trying to accomplish early on is compatibility — a good fit. So volunteer what you’re comfortable having most people know about you. The rest you can slowly divulge as the relationship progresses; in other words, you don’t have to produce an autobiography, complete with a slew of your opinions — or your most awful secret or family scandal — all in the first couple of dates. Most people who date have a mini-scenario worked out in their heads of what they want someone to know about them. You, too, can create a mini-script —what you’d tell someone on a long airplane trip, for example, or someone at a party is a place to start:

Include a little bit about your factual life: You know — things likewhere you’re from, where you went to school, how many brothers and sisters you have, what hobbies you like, what kind of work you do, and how you spend your free time. In other words, this script can more or less include the stuff you’d put in a personal ad if you had unlimited space and money. (In a way, the early days of dating are a personal ad — you share who you are and what you want — with the advantage being that your date gets to respond immediately, without writing to a post office box.) Age and weight are optional.
Share feelings: Worries, music groups that you like, whether you’re a baseball, opera, or chocolate fan, and how the weather is affecting you.
Keep the script positive and realistic: Your comments shouldn’t be too negative or make you sound like the best thing since sliced bread. Selfeffacement works only for Woody Allen, and a braggart isn’t much fun to be around.

When you share information, keep the following in mind:

As the two of you get to know each other, remember that you really don’t know each other. If the date doesn’t turn out well, this person is going to have all the information you’re now blabbing.
Make sure that you’re not using information as a way to bind someone to you too soon and too tightly. This tactic usually doesn’t work anyway, and you’ll hate yourself in the morning for telling someone you don’t plan to see again that your family’s completely dysfunctional and you’ve been in therapy since third grade.
Exchanging information is like dancing — you have to move together, or it doesn’t work very well at all. Some people are comfortable volunteering

some things; others are comfortable volunteering other information. Just because you describe the house you grew up in doesn’t mean that your date has to blueprint his family homestead. The key is to make sure that you’re not doing all the talking or all the listening. Once the two of you really get to know each other and have moved from first date to first month to first year, the ratio of what you don’t talk about to what you do does — and should — shift dramatically. After all, you don’t want to not tell anything that, after being found out, will shake the pillars of your relationship. But too much too soon is without a context for understanding.

The Last Fifteen Minutes of a Second Date

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Two words: No sex.
Two more words: Too soon.
Even though you feel like you’ve known each other all your lives, it’s really only been two nights, or an afternoon and an evening, or ten minutes and lunch. You get the picture. You don’t know each other — don’t get to know each other under the sheets.
Physical intimacy blurs the emotional intimacy of a relationship. It’s hard to see things clearly when hormones are involved. A second date isn’t even a relationship yet, so sex confuses the whole deal. Making out is okay. Making out passionately is cool. Just don’t go any further than that until you know each other better. Ask yourself if you’d be embarrassed the next day if the previous night of lovemaking turned out to be a disaster. If the answer is “well, yeah,” then the answer to sex has to be “well, no.” Never have sex with anyone whose middle name you don’t know.

Trust or Consequences

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Trusting someone instantaneously can be just as devastating as suspecting an ulterior motive behind everything he or she says. True trust takes time. No shortcuts allowed. Remember: Your date is just your date; he or she isn’t your friend. Even if you’ve been chatting for months online, trust still takes a lot of together time. If your date wants you to give more than you’re willing to give at this early stage, don’t be afraid to say so . . . and stick to your guns. If, on the other hand, you don’t want to “slip” and divulge any clues as to where you live or work, what you do for a living, or what color your hair really is, you may be a touch paranoid. Yeah, the world can be a dangerous place. But if you trust someone enough to agree to a second date, it’s only fair to let him or her get to know you. This isn’t a CIA investigation. It’s a date. Chill out. Particularly if you’re over 30, avoid what I call the Blitz School of Dating. That’s when you’ve been there, done that, and you don’t want to waste any time. You want to book a table in a quiet restaurant where the waiter won’t bother you for the two hours you take to chronologically pour out your life story, hear your date’s, and determine if this union has legs. While the Blitz approach has been known to work on occasion, I don’t recommend it. Part of the mystery and magic of getting to know someone is getting to know someone, not hearing how well they know themselves Finally, resist the temptation to ask yourself the $64,000 question: Is this the one? Is this second date with the person with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life? Have babies with? Rock on the porch with? Watch go gray? While the urge may be there to weigh every second date on the “forever scale,” don’t give in to it. Distract yourself. It’s too soon. A relationship hasn’t even taken flight yet.
If your worst enemy knew what you’re telling your second date, could he or she use it against you? If the answer is yes, keep it under wraps for now. If not, go for it.

Getting to Know You

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The info-exchange process on a second date is fun and exciting and interesting and a bit tricky. Unlike a first date, which is pretty superficial, a second date delves a little deeper. You already know you like each other enough to find out more. How much more remains to be seen. For now, you want to be vulnerable enough to let your date see who you really are without showing all your warts at once. (A wart or two is okay.) You want your date to feel comfy enough to share a wart or two with you.
To get the good stuff, you’ve got to give it. Trust me — your date won’t open up if you just sit there with your arms crossed. Though a second date usually shifts the conversational focus away from you and onto your date, striking a balance between being a good listener and an interesting and sincere talker is crucial — and not always easy or comfortable right away. First, know your personality type before the second date even starts. Are you the strong, silent type? A Chatty Cathy? Knowing who you are can help you tone down your natural tendency to clam up or blab on and on.
Second, periodically gauge how things are going. Here are some basic rules:

If you feel you know everything about your date and your date knows nothing about you, it’s time to open up.
If your date has been nodding for the past hour, it’s time to hush up.
If your time together seems more like a stand-up routine than a conversation, take a deep breath and focus on getting more insight, less laughs.
If your date sounds more like a job interview than a chat, it’s time to get a bit more personal.
If your date blushes each time you ask him or her a question, it’s time to get less personal.
If the conversation on your second date keeps grinding to a screeching halt, ask yourself if it’s you or your date. One of you is uncomfortable. It’s okay to flat-out say, “We had such fun the last time we went out. Is something making you uncomfortable?” If the answer is no and the conversation still limps along, you may be looking at a second, and final, date.

The First Fifteen Minutes of a Second Date

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Unlike the extensive pre-planning that goes into a first date, less is needed for a second date. But there’s a lot more at stake, so a bit of forethought will help you and your date relax. You want to solve any potential problems involving the first 15 minutes of your second date before you get underway. The immediate decisions to be made are these:

Question: Do you kiss your date on the cheek when you first meet? On the lips?
Answer: Cheek, okay. Lips, no way.

Question: Do you take your date’s hand? Put your arm around his or her shoulder?
Answer: No hand, no arm, no proprietary touching just yet. Handshakes are okay if you opt for no kiss.

Question: Do you talk about your last date together? Or stick to the present moment?
Answer: Continuing a previous conversation or asking about the status of something you already talked about is great. It’s a real intimacybuilder and lets your date know you were listening.

Question: Do you go to someplace different from the first date?
Answer: Yes. Especially if date number one was a date-ette. The location reflects a lot about you and how you feel about your companion. You don’t have to spend a bundle, but if your goal is getting to know what makes your date tick emotionally and spiritually, a loud concert may not be the best way to go.

Question: Does money matter?
Answer: Money always matters to some degree. But don’t let a lack of the green stuff freak you out or keep you from asking someone out. A walk in the park can be a better second date than dinner at the Ritz. What’s most important is picking a place that lets you feel free to be you and lets your date feel free to get to know you. Just don’t look cheap —make sure you have enough to cover any expected expenses, plus $20 tucked in a secret compartment.

Old patterns, new people

2010-12-31T20:52:00.000-08:00

Behavior patterns — acting in a characteristic way — begin to take hold on the second date. If you tend to be a relationship sprinter rather than a longdistance runner, you’ll continue to quickly fall in and out of love with each new person unless you do something to change it. If you typically scare the dickens out of your dates by confessing true love on the way to the car, you’ll probably act it out again unless you do something to change the pattern. Or if you’re so scared of intimacy that it takes you ten years to trust someone, you probably won’t change unless you make a conscious effort to do so. If you don’t already know your dating patterns (everybody has patterns of behavior), I want you to pay attention on the second date so you can uncover your tendencies and know what to watch for in yourself. If you’re already aware of patterns and like what you see in yourself, don’t change a thing. But if you’ve noticed a destructive dating style in the past and want to change it, follow these steps:

1. Identify the behavior.
As soon as you experience one of those there-I-go-again moments, pretend you’re a school kid at a crosswalk: Stop, look, and listen to yourself.

2. Define the behavior.
Mentally describe your behavior in a specific sentence like, “Whenever I’m nervous, I tend to be sarcastic” or “As soon as it seems like someone really likes me, I get turned off.”

3. Place it in the moment.
Try to pinpoint what set you off this time. Was it her arm brushing up against yours? Was it something he said?

4. Put it on hold.
Patterns don’t change overnight. They especially don’t change smack in the middle of a date. What you want to do, once you’ve nailed down a behavior pattern, is to relax, file it away in your brain, and look at it later on when you’re alone.

Mind over what’s-the-matter

2010-12-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

Getting all stressed-out is easy if your second date doesn’t measure up to the notion you had of the way things should go or if you put so much pressure on yourself that nothing you do or say is going to be good enough. Don’t go there. You won’t have any fun. Your date won’t have any fun. Everybody loses. Instead, if you start to feel tense, take a breather (literally) and do a quick reality check. Ask yourself the following:

What’s really bothering me here? Am I blaming my date for my expectations? Am I bringing up past history? Have I jammed a couple of unrelated memories and fears together to make a stress sandwich? If so, pull yourself back into the moment and deal with the here and now.
Am I trying to make sure my date doesn’t get too close? Intimacy is a scary thing, particularly in a second date where, presumably, you two are revealing more about yourselves. If you find yourself mentally running for the dugout before the seventh-inning stretch, get back in the game and see how it ends up.
Is this just old news? If you notice that you seem to be falling back on tired old patterns to make yourself feel comfortable, knock it off. Tell yourself you’re safe, that it’s okay to feel a little afraid, and not to worry —you’ll hold your hand every step of the way.

Date Expectations

2010-11-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest differences between any first date and second date is expectation. Be very careful here. You don’t want your expectations to be sky-high any more than you want them to be so low you’re grateful for the slightest crumb your date flicks across the table. I know it’s hard trying to enter a date with a blank slate, but you really owe it to yourself and your date to try to enter with your eyes, heart, and mind open. Expectation is no simple matter. The dictionary defines expectation as looking for what’s “due, proper, or necessary.” Interestingly, the word comes from the same root as “spectacle,” the Latin spectare, meaning “to gaze at.” What this all means is that you form your expectation of any event by instantaneously “gazing at” your past experiences, stuff that’s happened to your friends or your parents or your family, what the media has convinced you is proper, and what your peers have convinced you you’re due. So you walk into any situation with at least some expectation as to how it would, could, or —worse — should turn out.
Trouble is, your date doesn’t have your same history. Your date isn’t carrying the same baggage. He has a whole different set of luggage. That’s when expectations can get a bit dicey. You expect your date to think and feel as you do. When it doesn’t happen as you anticipated, feelings get hurt and tempers flare and the whole experience takes a kamikaze nosedive. Don’t fall into this trap. You can’t erase expectation completely — it’s okay to expect to have a good time with someone you already like — but try to identify what your expectations are before your second date begins. That way, you’ll recognize immediately when (or if) your expectations are dashed, and you can put the whole thing in perspective. You may want to refer to Chapter 17 to understand your dating expectations.

In Between One and Two

2010-11-30T15:06:00.000-08:00

Everything that happens between the first date and the second has an effect on date number two:

If it was lust at first sight and you both have been whispering sweet nothings over the phone all week, your second date will look much different than it would if your date took ten days to call you again. Bear that in mind when you embark on date number two. Your second date may seem either more intense or more subdued than it actually is. There’s simply no substitution for time when it comes to really knowing someone and understanding how he or she will (or won’t) fit into your life. Don’t short-circuit the time you really need to tap how you really feel.
If more than two weeks have passed between date number one and date number two, your second date is likely to feel more like a first date. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

Good places for a second date

2010-11-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

Given that a second date is about delving deeper, getting to know someone better, flirting a bit more, and just plain being more intimate, pick a place that lets you do those things:

_ Quiet restaurant or café
_ Public park
_ Sporting event
_ Museum

Following are some not-so-good places to do those things:
_ Noisy bar
_ Quiet bar
_ Movie marathon
_ Your parents’ house
_ Your date’s parents’ house
_ Your place

Anatomy of a true second date

2010-10-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

A first date is takeoff — your seatback is in the upright position, your tray table is stowed, you’ve buckled your seatbelt and are listening intently to make sure that the engines are on full throttle. A second date is climbing to cruising altitude. You’re on the way to your destination. You’re up in the air. You hope the pilot didn’t have a martini with her lunch, the flight attendant didn’t have a fight with his girlfriend, and the skies are not cloudy all day. In other words, a second date is the beginning of a settling-in period. Sometimes, a second date is wishing you were there already. Mostly, it’s trying to sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Whereas your first date is about fantasy — getting your hair done, being on your best behavior, and looking at your date through rose-colored glasses — your second date is the beginning of reality. You let your hair down a bit; you reveal the real — or realer — you; and you see your date through a magnifying glass, if not reading glasses.
The beauty of a second date is that real personalities can begin to emerge. Your date’s nervous laughter mellows into a great sense of humor; his or her personal résumé becomes a story of a life. Of course, the potential downside is that real personalities emerge. The date you thought was a friendly overtipper who dressed impeccably and arrived on time suddenly morphs into a flirtatious spendthrift who is narcissistic and obsessive. Oops. The important thing here is to take a second date for what it really is — namely, the next leg on your journey toward getting to know someone better. Period. On a second date, there will be more . . .

Communicating: You move from neutral conversational territory, like census data, to more personal stuff like family history, favorite movies, the school you went to, school you go to, hometown, work life — stuff you’d put in a personal ad, stuff your next-door neighbor knows but not the ultra sensitive stuff you tell only your best friend. It’s also a good time for follow-up. You asked the opening questions on your first date; now get a bit more detail.
Testing the compatibility waters: You want to make sure you and your date are a good fit. Your attention shifts away from how you look, act, feel, talk, eat, and slurp to the kind of person your date is.
Probing for shared interests: While you want to express yourself on a first date, a second date is for allowing, encouraging, desiring, and listening to your date express what he or she likes and dislikes.
Sexual innuendoes: Nothing overt, but playful flirting is good.
Gazing into each other’s eyes: Most importantly, a second date is one step further along on the intimacy scale. It’s about stripping away the outer layer of superficiality and beginning to know your date’s soul. Few things are more intimate, or soulful, than prolonged eye contact. Don’t stare. But don’t be afraid to connect with the window to your date’s soul — the eyes.

Dates versus date-ettes

2010-10-31T02:32:00.000-07:00

A date lasts at least three hours, is planned ahead of time, and takes place after noon in ironed clothing. A date-ette is spontaneous, can last a few minutes or an hour or two, takes place day or night, and doesn’t even require a shower. This distinction is unimportant until we begin speaking about second dates, because you have to know when the first date occurred. So first get clear in your own head what your first date really was. If it was indeed a date, good for you: Your second date is an authentic second date, and you’re right on track. If your first get-together was really a date-ette, however, then the next time you two go out, you’re really on official date number one — or maybe one and a half. That’s okay. There are no hard and fast rules here. But you may want to flip back to the chapters on first dates and take it from there if you’ve only had a date-ette. This chapter is for solid second-daters, not second-date wannabes.
First dates can be date-ettes, but second dates have to be dates. The progression flows naturally. If it doesn’t — if you keep spontaneously grabbing a bite to eat or a cup of coffee — you’re not dating. You’re hanging out.

Is It Really a Second Date?

2010-10-31T02:30:00.000-07:00

The first date jitters are out of the way, and it’s on to date number two. Your emotions are still in a whirl but for entirely different reasons. No longer are you worried about knocking the shoes off your date with a dazzling first impression. That’s done. You did it or you didn’t. Not to worry. Even if you weren’t James Bond or Kim Basinger, you impressed your date enough to secure a second shot. Now the stakes are higher. If your first date was a rousing success, the next one better be fantastic. If date number one was so-so, date number two better score higher on the dating scale. Understandably, you’re going to feel a bit stressed as well as excited, hopeful, flattered, challenged, optimistic, and even giddy. That’s okay. Everybody feels a smorgasbord of emotions when the flicker of a potential love match has been ignited. What you want to do is chill out, keep your expectations in check, and make sure this budding relationship doesn’t burn out before it even begins. The first thing I want you to do is make sure you’re dealing with a bona fide second date. You may met your date through friends, asked him or her out to lunch, had fun, and arranged to meet again. In the imperfect world we all live in, you may have met your date in class, at a party, on the street. You said, “I’m going to Starbucks for a cappuccino. Wanna come?” He went, bought his own cup of coffee, chatted with you, had a few laughs, and gave you his phone number when you offered yours. Technically, you had a date. But who deals in technicalities when dating is concerned? In reality, you had more of a date-ette than a date.

Nix the gossip

2010-09-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

The temptation to blab about your great date will be intense, especially as the clock ticks while you wait for the call (or wait to call). But be very careful here. Bragging to your buddies about your date’s bod or huge libido or exaggerating her affection for you is totally uncool. What if the two of you end up together? There’s no way to erase an image once it’s planted in someone’s head, and your friends won’t treat her respectfully if you don’t. Sharing every intimacy is also uncool. Give your date a break. He’s entitled to get to know you without all your friends getting to know him first. Keep your expectations limited.
This is a fragile and vulnerable time for both of you and any potential future. An audience ups the ante, the intensity, the curiosity — and you’re better off without it. You’ll be glad you didn’t blab too much about your date before your date began once you experience the emotionally charged post-date waiting period. Who needs everyone and their mother asking you if he called yet or if she left you any messages on your e-mail? All the way around, it’s best to keep info close to the vest until your relationship really gets going. Even then, discretion is the mother of true trust.

The farmer’s daughter

2010-09-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

When a friend of mine was stationed overseas in the army, he met the young daughter of a French farmer. The generous farmer offered my friend, Brian, a home-cooked meal, and he accepted. That evening, and several evenings after, he dined with the family and slowly became smitten with the young girl. But she was only 14, and only Elvis Presley was allowed to indulge such fantasies.
Fast-forward 30 years. Brian was back home in the States, divorced, and the father of two girls. On a vacation to France, he decided to look up the farmer who was, by now, an elderly man, but he still remembered Brian and invited him over for dinner.
“How’s your daughter?” Brian asked casually, as they were sipping port in the family vineyard after dinner.
“You can ask her yourself,” the farmer said.
“She’s dropping her son off later this evening.” Which she did, and she nearly lost her breath when she saw Brian standing in her father’s doorway. She, too, was divorced and had never forgotten her first crush. The years melted away, and now as two adults, they fell in love. This summer marks their 20th wedding anniversary. “It was just meant to be,” Brian often says, sighing.
So leave the phone alone. Get out of the house. Get on with your life and be pleasantly — and genuinely — surprised when he or she really does call.

Men’s Ten-day Rule After a Date

2010-09-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

This ten-day rule explains why guys wait ten days to call, even if the date’s terrific.
Assuming your first date is on a Tuesday or Wednesday night:

Guys don’t call the next day; they see it as too needy. Girls don’t call the next day, either; they see it as too desperate.
Now you’re butting up against the weekend. You don’t want to appear dateless. No one calls Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Now you’re at Monday. No one calls anyone on a Monday.
Tuesdays or Wednesdays are good days to call, but if work gets too busy, you leave the number at home, or you’re out of town, then forget it —you’re already to Thursday.
Thursday. Too close to the weekend. It’s too late to ask someone out for the weekend or to admit you don’t have a date. Besides, a second date on a weekend rather than a weekday ups the ante too much.
Now it’s Friday. Calling on Friday is the same as Thursday.
Ditto Saturday.
Sunday is still the weekend and a refocus on work, not play.
No one makes any important calls on a Monday.
Tuesday. Ahhh. That feels about right. Work is calm, your head is calm, your heart is calm, and your conscience is still clean. Now pick up the phone . . . ’cept it’s now been nearly two weeks. Yikes! Guys: Win many more Brownie points by calling before ten days. Girls: Chill.

The problem is the pattern, not you.

Nine hints for limbo and surviving the wait

2010-08-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

There’s a reason the first streamlined, easy-to-cradle-beneath-your-chin telephone was called a “princess” phone. It was designed to be talked on for hours in comfort — something little princes just don’t do. Sure, guys call their buddies, but let’s face it — they look like amateurs when it comes to the real phone talkers: girls. Girls grow up on the phone. So the day after a great date, the telephone in a girl’s room or house or apartment or car or office takes on a sort of golden glow. Women, if you’re not vigilant, the phone will take over your life. Don’t let it.
Assuming you’re waiting for this great guy you met to call you for date number two, don’t panic, don’t write him off, don’t obsess. Instead, follow these nine guidelines for handling the waiting period:

Don’t stop showering. I know, I know — the phone could ring while you’re all sudsed up, and baths are quieter. But changes in lifestyle and hygiene don’t need to begin quite so early. There are answering machines and voice mail. People call back. Hygiene is more important. You never know — he could drop by.
Don’t call the phone company. If you hear a dial tone, the phone is in perfect working order. Besides, the phone would be engaged while they checked the line anyway, and are you willing to take that risk?
Don’t go shopping for new equipment. You don’t need a new phone, answering machine, beeper, doorbell, or e-mail server just because yours refuses to ring, beep, or announce, “You have mail!” Be patient.
Don’t put yourself on house arrest. This is not the time to develop a deep and lasting friendship with the pizza delivery guy. Get out. Get air. The phone will be there when you get back.
Don’t change your answering machine message. Your old voice sounded sexy enough. Detailing on tape exactly where you are and where you’ll be each day is an invitation to burglars, not daters.
Stare at something else. A watched phone never rings.
Stop watching the 24-hour news channel. If he really was abducted by an alien or caught in a 20-car pile-up, you’ll hear about it soon enough.
Get a life. If you don’t have one already, now’s the time to live. Go to a museum, volunteer, enroll in NASCAR driving camp, whatever. Carry on with any version of existence other than an amoeba life form sitting by the phone.
Don’t worry, be happy. Even if it’s your mom each time the phone rings, hey, at least it’s a human voice. Remember Dr. Joy’s prescription on dating: It’s one date. Take it easy. Nothing, besides nuclear holocaust, is the end of the world.

Remember, women crave intensity; men crave comfort. Carry that thought throughout your life and you’ll always understand why the other side behaves the way it does.

Testosterone versus Estrogen Central

2010-08-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

Really, the biggest potential for post-date communication glitches involves time. Guy time and girl time, that is, baby. They’re not the same. Einstein was right. It’s all relative. Here’s what happens: You go out to a great dinner or a concert or the movies. You giggle, share popcorn. You both have a fabulous time. Sweetly kiss goodnight. Then he whispers, “I’ll call you soon.” Or she whispers the same. You both nod and head home. Now, she assumes that soon means on the cell phone on the way home, at a pay phone the next morning, or at the very latest, within the next two days. Soon to him means “if I have a minute in my busy schedule,” “when I get that new job,” “when I have my fall class schedule in order,” “when the football season is over.” Or soon can mean “never,” “if my mom pressures me,” or “if the Knicks are out of contention.” Problem city:

Female is hovering by the phone; male is flipping channels on the remote control.
If she calls right away (as she said she would), he thinks, “Whoa! She’s really into me. Sex city!” She’s really just saying, “I had a nice time and I’d like to see you again.”
If he calls when he gets around to it (as he said he would), she’s an ice queen because so much time has elapsed (a week, a month, a year, a decade). How dare he leave her hanging! Suddenly, she’s too busy to see him again, and the budding relationship blows sky-high. What’s wrong with this picture? In a word, the word soon.

Guys: Don’t say “soon” when you’re whispering in her ear or any other time. Girls: Don’t believe it if he should slip. (And your being vague doesn’t help much, either. Take it to the bank — he’ll expect a much longer passage of time than you, most likely.) If he does say, “I’ll call you soon,” try one of these responses:

“I’ll be out of town for a couple of days. Could you call me after that?” Even if you’re not leaving town, this blows that whole “waiting by the phone” thing right out of the water.
How ’bout I call you in a week or so?” Then be sure to add the reason (when finals are over, after work lets up, as soon as I accept the Nobel Prize) so that it doesn’t sound like a brush-off. Mark at least ten days to two weeks on your calendar and call him then.
“Instead of calling, let’s e-mail each other from work.” This narrows the call time to 9-to-5 and takes some of the intensity out of the exchange. E-mail is pretty public, so neither one of you can get too hot and heavy with the boss watching.
“What does soon mean to you?” Though this question may sound a bit overeager, asking for a definition is okay. Your date’s response tells you a lot about the future of this relationship. Whatever you hear, be calm; don’t panic or get hysterical.

If you’re a guy: Don’t wait quite as long as you ordinarily would. If you do intend to call her “soon,” you’ll score major Brownie points if you make it more sooner than later. Women eventually write off the guy who never calls, but they never forget the man who calls right away. If you’re a girl: Wait at least twice as long as you ordinarily would. Give the guy a break. When he does call, warm up that cold shoulder, or he’ll never call again. The appropriate response to a guy who calls a week after a great date is, “Hi. How are you?” — not “Hi. Who died?” He’ll be so pleased with you he just may call later that night for more of your tender, loving acceptance. Stay cool. Don’t notice. Life is long; phone calls can be short. The best way to avoid the whole call/don’t call scenario is to arrange date number two before date number one ends. Plan to get together again no sooner than a week, no later than two weeks. If your date doesn’t bring it up, you can. No gender rules here.

After the Perfect Date

2010-08-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

After you’ve said goodnight and the ideal date has come to a close, both of you are high on life, awash in good feelings. You grin, sigh, kiss your dog on the top of his head, or nuzzle with your cat. If you’re a girl, you want to do what girls do — talk about it; you want to lie down on your dorm bed or curl up with the phone and tell a good friend every glorious detail. If you’re a guy, you feel all warm and fuzzy, too, but you probably carry those feelings more internally and quietly; you do your homework, turn on the TV, wash the car, read the paper, dribble a basketball, burp — your normal life stuff — all very satisfied that your date was a success. You don’t need to fret. You’ve won. Inside your heads, however, a lush fantasy is brewing. Or, I should say, two lush fantasies. One female, one male. This is where things can get a little sticky if you expect your date to have the very same vision that you do.

All the right moves

2010-07-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

The day after a so-so date can be confusing. Do you call? Do you sit tight? Apologize? Swear you’ll never wear that puce pantsuit again? Knowing precisely when to be passive and when to charge is hard. My general rule is this:
If your date derailed because of something you said or did, call and apologize. Everyone makes dumb mistakes. Everyone understands. It’s saying nothing that leaves a bad taste with everyone.
If, on the other hand, your date just didn’t sizzle like you hoped it would for some reason you can’t pin down, let time shed a little light on the situation. Don’t call the next day (or that night). In fact, don’t call at all until you’re sure of these three things:

_ You want a second date because you like the person, not just because you want to make sure they like you.
_ You’ve identified what you may do differently next time, like relax, go to a place where you can talk, not bring your mother, and so on.
_ You’re not feeling so guilty and responsible that your second date becomes a “make-up” date instead of a second chance to get to know one another.

Valium for the soul

2010-07-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

Often, when things don’t quite go as well as they could on a date, the reason is nerves. Nerves make you laugh too hard or too little, pre-judge every word you utter, or beat yourself up for every little faux pas. Your date was likely nervous, too. It’s hard to be charming when your date is tense. It’s also hard to put someone else at ease when you’re stiff and uncomfortable.
When you get home from a so-so date:
1. Sit down in a comfy chair.
2. Shut your eyes.
3. Take five deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth.
4. Visualize your date floating up and out of your consciousness like a soft, fluffy cloud.
5. Repeat after me:

I am not perfect.
I don’t need to be perfect to be loved.
This was only one date.
There will be another date.
Next time I will feel safe enough to reveal more of myself.

Restoring your confidence

2010-07-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

The worst side effect of a rotten date is the potential for ego devastation. How can you hop back on the horse when your date said you looked, acted, and brayed like one? What you may need the day after the date from hell is a real confidence booster. Even if you have to work the next day, set aside at least a teeny bit of time to do something you know you do well. Some possibilities are (this is also a good list to keep in mind if your date was so-so or even fabulous — or even if you’ve just resigned from dating forever):

Get outside and take a walk or go golfing (even if it’s miniature) or hiking or climb a mountain (even if it’s a molehill).
Get some exercise — you’ll liberate endorphins, the feel-good chemicals.
Make a gourmet meal.
Make your mom laugh.
Teach your old dog a new trick.
Impress your boss.
Eat chocolate.
Call a friend.
Splurge on a magazine, CD, or book.

Whatever you do, make sure it’s life-affirming, fun, and filling — as in filling you up with pride. Then forget all about your lousy date and look forward to the next great one.

Five ways to put a hideous date in perspective

2010-06-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

Rent Fatal Attraction.
Thank technology for VCRs and DVD recorders — you didn’t have to miss anything while you were out.
Count how many days you’ve been alive. Subtract only one.
Look at your watch — it just seemed like forever.
Check your pulse. You survived!

After an Icky Date

2010-06-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

The day after a disastrous date can be full of blame, guilt, shame, and copious amounts of chocolate — if you let it. Or you can take a deep breath and call it like it is: one date that didn’t ring your chimes. Period. What I don’t want you to do is

Bad-mouth your date.
Call and beg forgiveness.
Berate yourself all day (week, month, year, life).
Vow never to date again.
Quickly arrange a date with just anybody to prove it’s not you that’s icky.
Avoid feeling disappointed by overeating, over-drinking, over-drugging . . . overdoing anything.

Look, feeling disappointed is okay. It’s a letdown when things don’t work out as you hoped! But you can feel it without wallowing in it. You can experience a disappointment without draping yourself in black. Most importantly, you can forgive yourself and your date for not being a perfect match. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s life.

Second Thoughts on First Impressions

2010-06-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

A date-long first impression is different from the two-second once-over your date gives you when you initially meet. It’s more than a primal, visceral thing. Throughout the time you spend together, your date’s five senses are working overtime — taking it all in. Processing every nuance, every sigh, every touch. Even the stuff your date isn’t aware he or she sees, hears, smells, touches, and tastes is seen, heard, touched, smelled, and tasted. Above and beyond the five senses are your date’s sense of style, appropriateness, manners, space, self — you name it. Every part of your date’s past and present being comes into play when evaluating you and how he or she feels about you. Yikes! No wonder we all get nervous on a first date! What you can do if you don’t want your first impression to last a lifetime is to create another one. As simple as that. It’s okay to call your date and say, “I was a bit jittery last night. What do you say we try again next week?” Or you can lay your cards right on the table by saying, “I feel like I didn’t show you who I really am. I’d like another chance to do so.”
Honesty is appealing. Vulnerability is sexy. Unless you’re a mass of quivering insecurity, few people can resist someone who’s human enough to admit they didn’t show you a true picture and would like a second shot. If your date was fantastic, no need to redo anything. If the date didn’t go as well as expected, maybe a bit of remedial work is in order. If you have just experienced the Guinness Book’s lousy-date record, you need to give yourself some first aid.

Starting Over

2010-05-30T22:30:00.001-07:00

The most important thing about a really bad date is making sure you don’t obsess to the extent that you vow, “Never again.” Becoming a hermit is not the antidote to a lousy date. Problem solving is. Figure out what you can do differently next time and get back in the race. Figure out what went awry and learn from the experience; you won’t have to join a religious order with a vow of silence, solitude, and celibacy.
Don’t rush into another date with just anybody, but do put this experience in perspective. Hey, it was one crummy date — no need to be bummed out about it endlessly. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get ready to date all over again. Be thankful you both agreed on at least one thing — it didn’t work. Beware of the Groucho Marx School of Life that says, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.” In the world of dating, this if-they’ll-have-me-I-don’t-want-them mentality translates into two unappealing possibilities: “If they hate me, they must be really cool and have figured out the real me” or — even worse — “Nobody rejects me first. I’ll charm them so they’ll like me, and then I’ll reject them.” Take my advice: If it’s lousy for both of you, let it go and be done with it. Amen.

Reviewing Expectations

2010-05-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

One bad date doesn’t mean much; a string of bad dates may mean a lot. If you keep thinking this one is “the one” and are wrong again and again, it may be time to stop, look, and listen.
When you get home, evaluate your expectations and examine your dating patterns. Only then can you stop making the same mistakes over and over. Answer the following questions in your dating notebook so you have a basis on which to begin analysis, understanding, and change.

What qualities must your ideal date absolutely, positively have?
What must your ideal date not be?
Why was this date a disaster?
Think back to the last disaster date you had — what things went wrong then? (If this is your first bad date, skip this question.)
Looking back over your lists, are there any similarities between what you put on the “My date must not be” list and the (one or) two “disaster date” lists?

If so, nail those little suckers and write them down. Is there a pattern? Is there a pit into which you keep falling? If your ideal date must not be rude, obese, or boring, and your disaster dates were rude, thin, and boring, perhaps you didn’t look too far beyond the outer package when the date was first set up. Or if all your disaster dates turn out to be so self involved they may as well be out with themselves, perhaps you don’t know how to spot a narcissist early on.

Five signs you really do hate each other

2010-05-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

A piece of cilantro is stuck to your date’s chin, and you don’t bother to mention it. Your date knows it’s there and doesn’t bother to remove it.
You both could describe every detail of the door but don’t know what color your date’s eyes are.
If it were videotaped, your conversation would make it on America’s Most Boring Videos.
You have to keep explaining punch lines.
Your mouths are killing both of you from all that fake smiling.

How to Exit with Style?

2010-04-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

The moment has arrived. You’ve finally faced up to the ugly truth: You’d both rather be anywhere but together, and a root canal is sounding better by comparison. Resist the temptation to duck out the back, make a mad dash for the door, or order a cab instead of dessert. The true measure of your soul is how you handle disaster. We can all be classy when the going is good. True style and honor come from handling bad situations well. Don’t worry. You don’t have to sit there and imagine gnawing your foot off so you can escape the trap. You can call this one off — but do it with panache. Say:

“Let’s skip coffee and chalk this up to experience.”
“I’m ready to call it a night. You?”
Can I give you a lift home?” (No need to be ugly.)
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”
“Let’s toast this valiant effort and get the check.”

Again, don’t lie. Don’t say you’ll call. Don’t say you had a great time when you didn’t. Just end the date quickly and cleanly.

What to do if your date went wrong?

2010-04-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

So there you are. Sitting across from your date, or next to him or her, or in the bathroom staring at your reflection, afraid to face the truth. Don’t. Face it. If you feel unhappy and sense that your date is miserable, too, denial only makes matters worse. Instead, do this:

Trust your instincts. If it feels all wrong, it probably is — even if both of you are smiling and making nice.
Ask. There’s nothing wrong with asking your date whether what you’re sensing is actually the truth. I wouldn’t go so far as to blurt out, “Do you hate me as much as I hate you?” but asking if the discomfort in the air is real is really a good start.
’Fess up. If your date is having as lousy a time as you are, he or she may ask you what’s the matter. Tell the truth. Admit that things aren’t zipping along as well as you’d hoped and ask if your date feels the same way.
Let it be. Now is not the time to muse over what’s going wrong. If there’s no spark, this date’s never going to jump-start, no matter how carefully you peer under the hood.

Total turnoffs in dating

2010-04-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

Although, theoretically, loathe at first sight should be no more or less common than love at first sight, loathing isn’t always a slow-build. Here are ways to completely turn each other off in an instant:

_ Neglecting to shower
_ Eating like a pig
_ Dressing like a hooker
_ Talking only about yourself
_ Abusing the waiter or clerk
_ Whining
_ Drinking too much
_ Showing up stoned
_ Talking about sex
_ Insulting each other
_ Insulting anybody else
_ Acting superior
_ Being a bigot
_ Copping a feel
_ Taking your shoes off in the car

If you discover that you really can’t stand the person you’re with — and you have a pretty good idea that the feeling is mutual — face the moment of truth without wasting another moment of your precious life.

Speed bumps

2010-03-30T02:44:00.000-07:00

Everything you and your date say and do from the moment you meet is recorded and processed and filed in both of your brains. Unless you turn each other off from the get-go, a sense of dissatisfaction, disappointment, and unease usually builds until you realize, “Uh-oh, this date isn’t working out. I’m definitely not having fun, and I don’t want to be here.”
The tricky thing is making sure it’s not just nerves or fear or shyness or arrogance that’s convinced you guys you’re having a rotten time. So first — a quick reality check. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I relaxed, or am I tense and fearful?
Being vulnerable and letting another human being get close can be very scary stuff. Just like any other animal, scared humans sometimes lash out to keep other “threatening” animals at bay, or they retreat to the safety of their cave or shell. Perhaps this is what both of you are doing right now. If you’re so tense that your true personality is hidden beneath a mass of knotted muscles, your date may dislike the tension, not you. You’re not allowing the real you to emerge. If you feel completely stressed-out, take a few deep breaths or excuse yourself to the restroom and do three minutes of square breathing

Is my date relaxed?
The same standard that applies to you (see the preceding item) applies to your date. Your date may be so wracked with nerves that every response is stilted, every laugh forced, every reaction pretentious. Stress doesn’t make anyone likable. Do what you can to make your date feel comfortable:
Be friendly, initiate conversation, pull back a little. Try not to judge the success or failure of your date until things get a bit more relaxed.

Is it something my date said?
Sometimes, one careless remark can send a whole date careening downhill. A friend of mine, who’d just changed the color of her hair, had a date attempt to make a joke. “Did they have a sale on red?” he asked her. Understandably, she was insulted, but she didn’t say anything. Later her date told me he found her “cold and distant.” She thought he had the class of a slug. Both were probably just really nervous. Human beings are complex creatures. One dumb remark does not a personality make. Make sure there’s sufficient evidence to write the whole thing off. It’s perfectly okay to say, “Wow, that comment seemed kind of hostile.” Make sure you’re not letting other, relatively minor things like imperfect table manners, height, weight, sense of humor, style, driving habits, or dancing ability (or lack thereof) trigger a turnoff. You’re both in a heightened emotional state, and your behavior may be exaggerated. Let things settle down before evaluating the whole date.

Facing Facts

2010-03-30T02:41:00.000-07:00

A date is a level three experience: Level one is meeting someone, talking on the phone, chatting online, staring longingly at the back of his or her head all semester in class. On level one, there’s enough of a connection and attraction to warrant venturing into level two. Level two is a little pre-date interaction, which gets pretty quickly to level three, the date. Unless this is a totally blind date, meaning you’re set up with someone you’ve never even spoken to before, it’s safe to say there are at least some good feelings passing back and forth between the two of you before your date begins. Once the date gets going, however, the connection and attraction will be tested and tried on for size — from both sides. Liking or not liking each other is rarely an instant evaluation. Luckily, most of us are willing to give somebody a bit more time because we’d like them to give us a bit more of a chance, too. Deciding whether you want to invest a bit more time and effort in getting to know someone is a process of evaluating lots of verbal and nonverbal cues.

Chalking It Up to Experience

2010-03-30T02:38:00.000-07:00

You can learn something from every experience. Sometimes the tuition is high, and sometimes it’s not. If you view this date as a learning experience rather than dashed hopes, a waste of time and money, or a night you could have spent watching Glee, the entire date will feel very different. After all,

It’s only one night (day, afternoon, hour).
It never has to happen again.
This date can help you figure out what you want or don’t want next time.

The best way to avoid making another mistake is to figure out specifically what went wrong this time. After the date is over, after you’re home and reliving the scenario in your mind (or trying to get it out of your mind), take out your dating notebook and make two columns on a piece of paper: “What I was originally attracted to” and “What totally turned me off.” List everything you can think of in each column. Be honest. No one is looking. You can burn or flush this list later. Even if what originally attracted you was her Baywatch bod and what turned you off was the fact that Baywatch is her favorite TV show, write it down. Write it all down. When you’re finished, you’ll have a much clearer picture of exactly what went awry . . . and how to avoid making the same mistake next time.

Handling Hurt Feelings

2010-02-26T02:57:00.000-08:00

Rejection is just someone’s opinion. You don’t like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you. Don’t allow your discomfort to make you mean. Stringing someone along, pretending you like him or her when you really don’t, is cowardly and cruel. In the long run, you’ll inflict more pain by pretending, which is really to protect yourself. Pretending is much harsher than saying upfront that this isn’t working for you. If your date is smitten, the truth is going to pinch a bit but for less time or intensity than if you lie. You’ve been honorable, have asked your date out, or have been asked out on the assumption of potential good stuff. You’ve now discovered things aren’t working out. No need to push the guilt button. No one likes to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s important to be humane and human: When the news is hard to break and hard to take, be aware of what you’re feeling and why, and be specific about why it’s not working for you without being judgmental. Unless you are incredibly adept at letting your date down gently (how did you get so much practice? We may need to talk), you’re very likely going to hurt feelings.
When you do:

Acknowledge your date’s rights to feelings. Don’t pretend everything is okay or get defensive if your date lashes out or is upset. Listen quietly and patiently.
Don’t try to fix it. These are your date’s feelings, not yours. You deal with your feelings, and let your date do the same.
Apologize for the hurt, not the fact. Not liking someone isn’t a crime. You didn’t do anything wrong. As a human being, you feel bad when another human being feels bad, but when you start down the “sorry” road, the next thing you may find yourself doing is trying to make it up to your date. Don’t start down that slippery slope.
Let go. Ultimately, you have to make peace with the whole situation by realizing another fact of life: Not every date is terrific any more than every meal is wonderful, every sunset grand, or every flavor chocolate.

Telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth, sort of . . .

2010-02-26T02:56:00.000-08:00

The one time you really do want to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is when your date asks, “Can I call you?” — or worse, “Will you call me?” The phone thing is fraught with nearly every conceivable emotion —hope, fear, anxiety, trust, excitement, rejection, and anticipation. Now is the moment to take a deep breath and tell the truth. It’s not fair to leave her waiting by a phone that refuses to ring or have him logging on to check his e-mail every few hours. If you’re not going to call, now or in the millennium, don’t say you will. Period. It’s not cool. It’s not fair. It’s not what polite, respectful people do. That said, here are a few tactful ways to get the message across:

“Though I had fun tonight, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.”
“To be honest, I see you as more of a friend.”
“We’re just too different, you and I.”
“I don’t want to mislead you by telling you I’ll call. I’m sorry, but I probably won’t.”
“I’m going to be really busy at work for the next couple of months.”
“Family concerns are going to keep me tied up.” It’s tough. No two ways about it.

Everyone wants to believe in love and union and two souls who were meant to be together. But if this isn’t that scene, don’t make it even worse by lying and leading your date to believe it might one day be.

Proclaiming Truth: Honesty Is a Tricky Policy

2010-02-26T02:54:00.000-08:00

There you are sitting across from a date who’s eager and hopeful and trying her or his best to engage you. This person is perfectly nice. Perfectly acceptable. Perfectly wrong for you. For whatever reason, you know it’s not going to work out. How, then, do you let your date down easy? Be honest . . . without harming the poor, unfortunate soul unnecessarily. Truth-telling is a tricky bit of business. In the guise of “truth,” many a hurt has been inflicted. Do you really need to tell someone he or she is fat, even if that is the case? Do you need to say, “No, your nose isn’t big; it’s huge”?
Using tact
The difference between hurtful truth-telling and honesty is four letters: tact. The best way to be tactful is to put yourself in your date’s shoes. If you wouldn’t want to hear it, your date most likely won’t want to hear it, either. To help you out of any potential corner into which you might paint yourself during a date gone sour.

Being polite

2010-01-28T06:25:00.001-08:00

Your mom has explained the need for good manners: to avoid making another person feel bad. Well, your date may not be going as well as you wanted, but now is not the time to abandon all those skills that your parents spent a lifetime drilling into you. The basics of being polite include the following:

Stay put. No leaving out the back door, faking a headache, or spending the entire date in the restroom reading phone numbers carved into the wall.
Have a conversation. Sitting stone-faced is the ultimate slap in the face. Find something to talk about even if you discover you two are worlds apart. Seen any good movies lately?
Maintain eye contact. You don’t need to gaze into your date’s eyes, certainly, but staring up at the ceiling is rude.
Listen. Your date may not notice that things aren’t going swimmingly. Tuning this person out will only cause him or her to try harder to reach you, and panic isn’t pretty.
Make nice. As Elvis said, “Don’t be cruel.” Your date didn’t kidnap you. If things aren’t going well, so be it. Without being overly encouraging (you don’t want a bad date hoping for bad date number two), be civil and kind.
See your date home. It’s impolite to abruptly end your date the moment the check is paid, the ending credits roll, or the coffee cup is empty. You don’t need to prolong it, but you do need to finish what you both started. If you drove, drive your date home. If your date drove, accept a ride home.

Share a cab, a subway, a bus ride. No bolting or escaping is necessary. Behave as you’d like to be treated. Show common courtesy. Smile, laugh at jokes, and avoid rolling your eyes to the back of your head. The goal here is to be kind without being dishonest. The key to being polite is to think of yourself as Lord or Lady Bountiful —much too well-bred to let on that your bunions pinch or your fine sense of smell has just discerned that something has died. The goal of being polite is not to lead your date on, but to treat your date with the same kindness and respect with which you’d treat anyone.

Avoiding blame

2010-01-28T06:22:00.001-08:00

Understandably, you’re going to feel disappointed when you first get the inkling that your date isn’t working out. Either people click, or they don’t.
When they click, their communication is like a tapestry — each shared
experience and similarity intertwines. Each giggle, stare, brush of a hand
is a gossamer thread, one on top of the other, until a beautiful scene is
depicted. When folks don’t click, the date is more like a wrinkly paper bag —
uninteresting, unappealing, and just plain un-wonderful. When you discover
that the situation has gone south, don’t be tempted to blame your date or
yourself for the unpleasantness — no need to accuse your date of

Using you
Being an idiot
Being ungrateful
Being uncivilized

Sometimes two perfectly nice people can just not mesh very well. If you take that perspective, you don’t have to take offense or blame or a position — just take a deep breath.

Deploying survival strategies

2010-01-28T06:21:00.000-08:00

If you’re not having a good time but your date is, give these strategies a try. Not only can they get you through the evening, but they give you the opportunity to discover interesting and worthwhile things about your date and yourself — and that’s never a waste of time.

Identify three things you like about your date. Everyone has at least a few interesting and unique qualities. When a date starts to slide downhill, we tend to magnify the negative moments in our minds and discount the positive. Reverse this trend: Find three things you like about your date. They don’t have to be big things. You don’t have to suddenly realize you love this person’s personality. Start small. Do you like her hair? His hands? Her laugh? His quirky sense of humor?
Become a good listener. View this as a great opportunity to sharpen your listening skills. Stay in the moment. Don’t second-guess what you could have possibly done here or worry about what you’re going to tell your friends or how you’re going to get a good night’s sleep. Really listen to what your date has to say — without judgment. You may hear something interesting.
Relax and tune in to your surroundings. Enjoy the food, the atmosphere, the popcorn, the movie, the biscotti, the sunshine, the snow, the sound of bowling pins falling each time you score a strike. Shift your focus away from a date that’s not working out to all the things that are perfectly fine.

It’s chemistry

2009-12-31T10:06:00.000-08:00

Chemistry is mentioned a lot when two people click. “I just knew,” “It was love at first sight,” “We were destined to be together,” “Soul mates” . . .
Beware. While some couples feel an instant and powerful pull to one another (which isn’t always sustainable or prolonged), for most, the response is slower and subtler. An interest. A tingle. A thrill. A desire to get closer. In a word: chemistry. A number of physiological changes take place in your body when you encounter a person who turns you on. Your pupils dilate (you want to see more of them), your heart races, your palms get sweaty. You feel energized, like you could stay up all night. And you probably could — that’s what the expression “turned on” really means. Physically, your body is totally awake, alert, and raring to go — basic biochemistry 101. Hormones turn you on — lust in its most basic, uncomplicated, thrilling form. Your body is saying, “Let’s party.”
Unfortunately, as convenient as it would sometimes be to be able to bottle it, chemistry is either there, or it’s not — and it’s impossible to fake.

Tuition for Dating 101

2009-12-31T09:48:00.000-08:00

If your date goes down the drain, give yourself a break. It happens. Life is a curve ball, an off-speed pitch, a fast ball low and inside. Even Ted Williams struck out more often than he hit a home run. It may feel lousy right now, but remind yourself, once again, it’s only one date. You’ll have tons more nights on which you can strut your stuff. Use the experience to learn something so it won’t happen again. An autopsy is a great idea. The date died — figure out why. Answering the following questions in your dating notebook can help you figure out what went wrong. Answer these questions as soon as you can after the date ends, when your impressions are still fresh. By keeping these notes, you can begin to look for patterns in your behavior.
Tomorrow, after a few hours have passed between tonight’s date and the rest of your life, I want you to reread your responses and see if they say anything to you. Don’t pass judgment; don’t look for hidden meaning. Simply read through and see what it says. If you haven’t already. now, give yourself a nonchemical treat (unless it’s chocolate), take a deep breath, prop your feet up, and chill out.
First, at the top of a sheet of notebook paper, write your date’s name, the date (day, month, year) and time of the date, and where you went. Also note when and where you first met. Then on a scale from 1 to 10 (0 = meltdown;
10 = divine), rate the date as a whole.
From there, reflect on the date and answer the following questions. Make sure you’re being really specific here (for example, nice smile when we met, good table manners, well-groomed).

What positive stuff happened? In what ways did the date go well?
What was icky poo poo? In what ways did the date stink?
What were your expectations? (Tip: See if you can make yourself aware of what disappointed you, which will instantly focus on what you expected.)
Were your expectations based on how someone acted before?
What patterns emerge that you have noticed on previous dates, in the other relationship? Is this déjà vu all over again? Now reflect on your current feelings.
How are you feeling right now?
What do you want to do? For example, do you want to try again, talk to a friend, join a monastery, reread the whole book, take a vacation from dating?
What can you do differently on your next date to offset this problem and change the pattern?
Did you feel that your date saw the real you, yes or no? If no, why not?

Answering these questions after every not-so-hot date and/or journaling about your experiences can help you learn from rather than focus on less than successful dates. But please avoid sending a “this is why you shouldn’t have treated me badly” letter to your date, which falls into the whining category I address earlier in this chapter. Every once in a while, in an effort to save face and salvage some remnant of dignity, you may be tempted to contact your date explaining why you deserve better or how the creep hurt your feelings. Resist this urge. You should never put anything into a letter or e-mail that you are not willing to have advertised on the front page of The New York Times. Even something like “have a nice life” can sound sarcastic. I know you may be hurting, but don’t write down your feelings anyplace, except for a diary that no one else will see.

Ending on a Positive Note

2009-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

Your job, when your date isn’t dazzled by you, is to listen gracefully and nondefensively and smile sweetly and make a swift exit as soon as the coast is clear. No need to prolong a bad date.
One of the biggest pitfalls to a date that feels like it’s heading downhill is the “snowball effect” — you sense something’s wrong, you panic, you clam up, you overreact, and it just makes matters worse. Suddenly, a not-great date is on its way to disasterville. If things are really awful, it makes more sense to call a polite and gentle halt rather than hurt someone’s feelings for hours or waste your time or your date’s time. It really is okay to say, “You don’t seem to be having a good time. Shall we just chalk this up to experience?” Be honest. ’Fess up. Stop the snowball before it becomes an avalanche and buries you both. Ignoring an overwhelming feeling; trying to hide, squash, cover up, or pretend it isn’t there; or wishing it weren’t there isn’t going to change the reality. You’re not responsible for your feelings, just your behavior. If you can gently acknowledge your feelings, you can deal with them. A lousy date isn’t a reason to inflict pain on either of you. It isn’t necessary to hang in there and finish what you started. It’s okay to say, “I think we should call it a night.” It’s also okay to use that universal come-down line almost all daters have heard at least once, “I think we should just be friends.” Not every couple has chemistry. That’s what dates are for — to find out. Hey, chemistry happens, or it doesn’t. It can’t be faked or manufactured. The feeling is out of your hands. If your date says he or she just doesn’t feel any chemistry between the two of you, don’t take it personally, but also don’t assume a few more hours will make a whole lot of difference. While it’s true that a deep love can develop slowly over time, this is a date, not an arranged marriage. Chemistry up-front is helpful on both sides for future promise; it gives you both motivation to explore further — unless it’s so overwhelming that you both ignore every other part of what might be going on between the two of you. Overwhelming initial passion can move you both at the speed of light past things you ought to be assessing slowly and carefully (see Chapter 21 on taking things slow). Don’t worry too much if you’re not turned on as long as you’re not turned off.

No Whining!

2009-11-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

If you’ve ever been in a long line on a hot, sweaty day, with a bunch of tired little kids, you probably know what whining is all about. It’s annoying, cloying, tiring, and, most of all, unproductive. Whining never gets you anywhere but on someone’s nerves. Don’t do it. If your date tells you he or she is having a rotten time, suck it up. Yeah, you’re right. It hurts, but no whining. It isn’t the end of the world. All of the following constitute the whine response:

“Just my luck.”
“My last date dumped me, too.”
“Boy, I sure do know how to pick ’em, don’t I?”
“This always happens just when I start liking someone.”

If you feel these words — or their ilk — bubbling to the surface, stop immediately, press your lips together and refuse to speak again until you’ve shed that whole sackcloth-and-ashes routine and are ready to respond like the mature person (not victim!) you are. The time to lick your wounds is later, when you’re home running a hot bubble bath, or calling your mom for a hug or a best friend for support or the bakery to see if they have any double fudge brownies left.

Getting More Info

2009-11-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

When you feel disaster in your gut, or see it in your date’s response, bring it to your lips. I don’t pretend this is always easy to do, but, trust me on this:
It’s better to know than to stumble around in ignorance. If you feel like your date is not going well, here are some things you may want to say:

“I’m sensing you’re not having a good time. Is this true?”
“I’d appreciate your honesty. Are you having fun?”
“Is there something I’ve said or done to offend you?”
“Are we not quite clicking here?”

The truth isn’t always fun to hear. Sometimes it’s downright painful. But, when you give people the chance to be honest with you, they usually will in a kind and gentle way. You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t want to date you. It’s as simple as that. You don’t want to have to convince someone to like you, or ask them to hang in until chemistry kicks in. This is not an endurance test or some dating karmic reincarnation where you’re doomed to repeat every awful experience and where your cosmic score in each category is added up and totaled at the end before you can escape. A date is an organic process as much as it is planning and prep work. Mother Nature is in there orchestrating the event, right alongside your careful blueprint for the perfect outing. Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to fate —this date wasn’t meant to be. Find out what went awry — don’t blame yourself or your date. Then move on. Don’t obsess about why it didn’t work out. Try not to take it too personally. Most importantly, no whining.

Reading the Signs

2009-11-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

It’s easy to tell when someone hates your guts. They sneer, they scowl, they scoff, they storm off in a huff. They won’t make eye contact, they mace you, they call their Rottweiler and the fashion police. Unless we’re talking major meltdown or atomic winter, it is really unlikely that the clues will be so obvious. What is much more likely when a date goes sour is a slow process of disconnection, a major lack of chemistry that becomes more apparent as the date ticks on, rather than dramatic magnetic repulsion. Here are the six warning signs of potential date disaster:

Lack of eye contact: Eye contact is the very essence of connection, the “window to the soul.” If your date won’t make eye contact — nothing else will connect.
Sullenness: Your date is unresponsive and says as little as possible. Make sure that you’re not monopolizing the conversation or asking too many personal questions, but if your date consistently responds with “Yeah,” “No,” and “Don’t know,” you have a pretty clear sign that things are not going well. This doesn’t mean there will never be a gap of silence (or two or three), but when the gaps yawn like the Grand Canyon, something isn’t working.
The “I” focus: If your date’s conversation is focused exclusively on himor herself, without any apparent interest in you, it’s a sign of either no interest in you or a pre-occupation with self. Yech.
Emotionally out of sync: Have you ever been with somebody who totally “gets it?” Every nuance, every joke, every raised eyebrow? You’re in tune. Conversely, if you find yourself laughing alone a lot during your date, explaining punch lines, or finding humor where your date finds horror (or worse, nothing), you and your date are likely really different and are going to have a rough time finding any common emotional ground.
Physically out of sync: A body speaks volumes of feelings. Connected, interested people lean in toward each other or sit close to one another. If one body consistently says, “I’m out of here,” or “Not interested” and remains aloof throughout the date, it’s a fair bet the head feels the same thing.
Edgy or anxious or sad: A wee bit of nerves are understandable, but if your date is in an obvious emotional turmoil that doesn’t let up, it’s a sign that your time together is in the dumps, too.

Me, Paranoid?

2009-10-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Should you sense that your date is less than thrilled with you, undoubtedly the question will arise, “Am I right, or am I paranoid?” Good question. Dating is an emotional experience. You’re vulnerable. You’re letting someone you barely know see the real you. Pretty scary stuff. It’s only natural that you might feel a little insecure. You may misread nuances or misinterpret a yawn or a glance at a watch as a sure sign that you’re on the verge of a dating meltdown —especially if you’ve had any dating disasters in the past (who hasn’t?). But this may not be the case at all. Sometimes a yawn really is just insomnia. Glancing at a watch — well, some people need to get up early the next morning, even when they’ve had a great time the night before. So before you write this date off, find out if you really are being paranoid by asking yourself these questions:

Was I dreading this date?
Did I figure it probably wouldn’t work out before the date even started?
Am I trying to decipher the “hidden meaning” in everything my date says?
Am I obsessed with how I come off?
Does my date keep protesting that he or she was misunderstood?
Has anyone ever told me before that I’m oversensitive?
Has anyone ever called me “paranoid” before?
What’s reality and what’s delusional — do I need a new date or serious medication?

If you answered “yes” to most of the questions, you may need to do a reality check before you dismiss this date. Or you may be too fearful to date at all. See whether the answers you yourself give would make sense if your best friend were telling the story. Would you be calm or dialing for the paramedics? If you wouldn’t see anything all that alarming in these answers if they were your friend’s, you’ve probably passed your own test, and it’s time to shift the focus from you to your date.

When Your Date Hates You

2009-10-28T09:45:00.002-07:00

Let’s face it — everyone isn’t going to like you; you’re not going to like everyone. That’s life. Admittedly, it doesn’t feel terrific when someone would rather not see you again, but it’s only one person, one person’s opinion, one date on planet Earth. The ground doesn’t have to tremble or swallow you up to put you out of your misery. Lighten up. Actually, a semi-awful date can be a gift from the gods of dating, an opportunity to take a look at yourself, your expectations, the signals you send out, the people you pick to date, your behavior, your level of relaxation, and your ability to communicate who you really are.
The trick is not to become overly sensitive or obtuse. The last thing I want you to do is sit across from your date scanning his or her body language to determine if the date is a dud. Dating requires a leap of faith that the two of you can have a good time together for an hour or two. Think positive. Enter any dating situation with the expectation that a fun time will be had by all. Reevaluate, if necessary, if evidence to the contrary bubbles up.
Life isn’t a mood ring. I’m going to give you some warning signs, but context is everything when evaluating whether your date is having a good time or would rather be home with a pint of Häagen-Dazs. A yawn can be the end of a really tough week as well as boredom. Looking at your watch doesn’t always mean you can’t wait to get the heck out of there — it can be an old habit or a new watch. Lack of eye contact may mean your date is shy rather than sneaky unwilling to let you see how much fun they’re not having. A stumbling conversation may simply be faulty social skills or nerves rather than an unwillingness to expend air or thought on you. Use all your senses — including your sixth sense, intuition — to evaluate what your date is really trying to convey. Relax a bit.

When Your Date Hates You

2009-10-28T09:45:00.001-07:00

Chilling out

2009-10-28T09:39:00.002-07:00

Take ten minutes to calm down. Give yourself the same gift you gave yourself before your date — a toe-to-head wave of relaxation. Clench and release your body parts in this order: toes, calves, thighs, buttocks, abs, biceps, shoulders, neck, and face. Progressively tighten each muscle, then release, and do it twice. If you think it’s going to be hard to sleep, write down what you’re feeling and, later, you can burn, flush, or preserve the record for your unborn grandkids.
Doesn’t that feel good? Now you’re ready to go to sleep and dream and wake up tomorrow to evaluate your date in the cold light of day and decide where you want to go from here.

Chilling out

2009-10-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

Gaining a little perspective

2009-09-28T05:55:00.000-07:00

Every date has one — a sort of “after” date where you relive each moment that happened in the hours before. Think Sandra Dee in baby-doll pajamas writing passionately in her diary. Or Frankie Avalon singing to the stars on a moonlit beach. This is the post-datem. I must warn you, it’s a very precarious time. Memory can magnify both the good and the bad. By morning, you’ll believe you were out with either Adonis or The Monster from the Blue Lagoon or one of the Desperate Housewives or just somebody desperate. Or worse, you’ll be convinced you single-handedly ruined what was potentially the love match of your life. None are true.
A date is a series of moments, looks, exchanges, sighs, touches, blunders, brilliance, possibilities, disappointments, and delights. It’s subliminal, on the surface, conscious, and unconscious. It’s the apex of your past experiences and the launching pad for the future. It’s an emotional and intellectual stew. No single moment either made or broke your date. Even if your date swears it’s true (“The moment you said you like pizza, I knew it was love”), it’s not. I know it’s hard to do, but in your post-datem, I want you to put your date into perspective. You don’t have to squash your lover’s high just when you’re feeling so good, but remember what I mentioned earlier: A date is just a date. If you take it too seriously, you’re in for both heartaches and headaches. Instead, when you get home from your date, I want you to take a deep breath and relax. Don’t decide that you blew it — or that you want your best friend to be your maid of honor at the wedding.

What about sex on the first date?

2009-09-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

On a first date, sex should be out of the question. You’re just getting to know each other, emotions are running hot, your head may be swimming in infatuation hormones — not an ideal time to take such a dramatic physical and emotional step. Which is what sex really is.
There are several really compelling reasons not to have sex on a first date:

Health: In addition to AIDS, there are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs, running rampant out there: chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes (a virus you’re stuck with for life). Another STD you don’t hear too much about is hepatitis C, an incurable virus that causes a liver infection.
Translation: Sex doesn’t always mean the same thing to men and women. You may think it’s no big deal but your partner is mentally picking out china patterns. You simply need more than one date to make sure you’re both headed in the same direction.
Exposure: On nearly every level, sex is about exposure. You’re (at least partially) naked. You’re opening your body and a piece of your soul to another person. Major stuff, not to be entered into lightly.
Intimacy: Sex is a very intimate act. Even if it feels more physical to you, it’s a primal union that opens up all sorts of emotional nooks and crannies you may not even know you had. The intimacy of sexuality is a powerful, loving, amazing thing. It’s to be nurtured and cherished, not taken lightly.

How to kiss?

2009-09-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

A first kiss, whether you’re 15 or 50, is thrilling, sweet, nerve-wracking, intimate, awkward, and incredibly vulnerable — all in the first five seconds. Forget about what you’ve seen in the movies (show biz kisses are well-rehearsed —mostly so the kissers don’t cover up each other’s faces) or on stage (actors sometimes skip the lips and kiss between the lower lip and the chin to preserve the actress’ lipstick!). You’ll bump noses and knock teeth and giggle nervously as well as feel tingly all over — which is all perfectly okay. Though there is no “right” way to kiss, here are a few pointers to help you successfully land a lip-lock:

Check out your date’s body language. Some signs your date is kiss-ready: head tilted up, eye contact, uncrossed arms, body facing you.
As soon as you decide to go for it, do it. Hovering near some girl or guy’s lips will only make both of you freak out.
Maintain eye contact on the way to your date’s lips. Don’t shut your eyes until you arrive, or you may get lost on the way.
Start gently. Press your lips sweetly against your date’s. Save the tongue action for later.
Pull back. Gaze into your date’s eyes. If it’s a go, you’ll know by the way he or she looks longingly back at you. If not, smile and say goodnight, and your face will be nicely saved.
The second lip-press is when you can go French. This means tongue. This doesn’t mean gagging your date or thrusting home or swallowing his or her tongue as soon as it darts into your mouth. Instead, gingerly part your lips and venture forth. A light, flickering touch with your tongue can produce major results. The tongue is a cluster of nerve-endings. Imagine “caressing” your date’s tongue and lips and mouth.
Don’t overdo it. Variety — kissing the eyelashes, neck, nibbling on the lips — is the spice that flavors all great kissing.

Signs of Hot Kisses

2009-08-28T09:09:00.001-07:00

First kisses are so loaded with possibility, expectation, sexuality, sensuality, tenderness, and emotion, it’s a wonder people don’t explode on the spot. Before you get to the door, or to the moment of truth, I want you to make sure your date is sending all the right signals that he or she is ready to take your relationship to level two.
Her signs
You can tell that a woman is interested in a kiss if

She’s facing you, arms down, body relaxed.
Her head is tilted upward.
She doesn’t appear to be ending the date with some definitive remark like, “Thanks. I’ll call you.”
Her lips are parted.
She gazes into your eyes.

If she’s not interested, she’ll

Clamp her jaw shut.
Fumble for her keys.
Won’t look you in the eye.
Glue her chin to her chest.
Hold out her hand and say, “Thanks.”

His signs
A guy looking forward to a little lip action will

Position his body between you and the door.
Act nervous.

Show no visible signs of leaving or ending the date.
Tilt his head upward.
Lick his lips.

If he’s not interested, he’ll

Walk you directly to your door or car, without hesitation.
Keep his hands in his pockets.
Look at his feet.
Avoid eye contact at all costs.

Remember, kissing is not a mandatory end to every date. You can hug, shake hands, wave at each other. There are other perfectly acceptable alternatives. It’s your date, and you can kiss if you want to . . . or not kiss if you don’t.

How to kiss?

2009-08-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

Check out your date’s body language. Some signs your date is kiss-ready: head tilted up, eye contact, uncrossed arms, body facing you.
As soon as you decide to go for it, do it. Hovering near some girl or guy’s lips will only make both of you freak out.
Maintain eye contact on the way to your date’s lips. Don’t shut your eyes until you arrive, or you may get lost on the way.
Start gently. Press your lips sweetly against your date’s. Save the tongue action for later.
Pull back. Gaze into your date’s eyes. If it’s a go, you’ll know by the way he or she looks longingly back at you. If not, smile and say goodnight, and your face will be nicely saved.
The second lip-press is when you can go French. This means tongue. This doesn’t mean gagging your date or thrusting home or swallowing his or her tongue as soon as it darts into your mouth. Instead, gingerly part your lips and venture forth. A light, flickering touch with your tongue can produce major results. The tongue is a cluster of nerve-endings. Imagine “caressing” your date’s tongue and lips and mouth.
Don’t overdo it. Variety — kissing the eyelashes, neck, nibbling on the lips — is the spice that flavors all great kissing.

Analyzing kiss

2009-08-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

According to Boston College professor William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing, there are 25 different ways to smooch. 25! There’s the eye kiss, the wet kiss, the butterfly, the friendly, and the ever-popular lip-o-suction. That’s just naming a few. Unless you plan to end your date with a “see ya” peck on the cheek, it’s important to know the difference between a quick kiss, a serious kiss, and seriously making out:

Handshake: If your date extends his or her hand instead of lips, it means one of two things: One, he or she is trying to do the right (as in respectful) thing and not move too fast. Two, the moment is awkward, and your date isn’t sure what to do. A handshake isn’t necessarily a brush-off. A kiss-off is a brush-off. If you want more, try a gentle, friendly hug and see what happens.
Hug: Since your entire body is involved, a hug can be the gateway to more intimacy. It’s also what Uncle Wally and Aunt Mildred do to you just before they pinch your cheeks. The duration of the hug determines what happens next. If it’s a quick body-pressing, take it as the equivalent of a quick kiss (see the next item). If your date holds you close, and you like it, a simple tilt of the head and, voilá, you’re in perfect kissing position.
Quick kiss: Quick kisses are everywhere. People who barely know one another quick kiss on the cheek when they meet. In France, the doublecheek quick kiss is part of the national identity. If your date leans forward at the end of your time together and quick kisses you on the cheek, say a quick goodbye. Though a major smooch session may be coming later, it’s the last thing on your date’s mind tonight. If, on the other hand, your date quick kisses you hello, especially if it’s more sweet than scary or sexy, you’re picking up on some fairly serious chemistry.
Serious kiss: This is a kiss you can see coming. Your date has been preparing the proper approach in his or her mind, and there’s a thrilling tingle of anticipation in the air. A serious kiss is one of intention. It’s sensual more than sexual and takes time when done properly. A serious kiss is one of the best signs that your date can’t wait to see you again.
Making out: All about lust, making out is an earnest lip-lock intended as a prelude to something more — not always sex . . . though the promise and possibility of sex are definitely part of the scene. Making out is characterized by a full-body experience. Your lips are only the initiators. Making out uses the hands, hot breath on the neck, bodies pressed together. Warning: Don’t make out with a date you don’t want to see again. It sends out a mixed message, as well as a mess of hormones that have nowhere to go.

In general, men view kissing as a prelude to the main event: sex. For men, a woman who kisses well promises to be a tiger in the sack, too. Women often see kissing as a perfectly good activity in and of itself, rather than a means to an end. Women could kiss all night, and then say goodnight without feeling “cheated” out of sex. For women, a guy who’s a “great kisser” is a guy who takes his time, a guy who’s capable of love as well as lust.

The Kiss Question

2009-07-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

Speaking of intimacy . . . the all-important question looming large at the end of almost every date is as simple and as complicated as two pair of lips. Should we kiss?
Kissing is an intimate act — at least, intimate kissing is. You’re literally opening up to someone. Your eyes are (usually) closed, and your neck is exposed. Physically (and primally), it’s a very vulnerable position. Emotionally, it’s incredibly vulnerable. How many folks have lain awake at night, dreamily remembering their date’s kiss?
A college friend of mine once confided that if she kissed a man, she’d sleep with him. I was shocked at such a confession, until she explained it further. Kissing is such an intimate act, she said, perhaps the most intimate act, that she’d never kiss someone unless she was ready to go all the way. Others feel kissing is foreplay, and lots of folks like kissing all by itself.

Ten signs it’s a disaster date

2009-07-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

Your date:

Goes to the bathroom and never returns.
Stiffs you with the bill after ordering the most expensive thing on the menu.
Sits at another table.
Flirts with the waiter or waitress.
Says, “I just forgot, my father’s having surgery,” “I’m having a root canal,” or “I’m taking final vows,” when you suggest getting together again.
Asks to borrow your car keys and doesn’t return.
Asks to practice your signature and then steals your credit card.
Calls a parent to come pick them up without telling you.
Calls the police.
Buys an attack dog.

Ending a disastrous date

2009-07-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

If you don’t want to see each other again, don’t say you’ll call. If you’re bored to tears, don’t say, “Yeah, that would be fun,” when your date suggests a follow-up day at the beach. It’s icky, it’s awkward, it’s painful, it makes your forehead sweat, but honesty is ultimately the best way to go. If you have no intention of seeing what’s behind date number two, say it now. Be polite, be firm, be honest, be brave. Do the right thing. You can say, “I’ll be busy for the next six months,” “I feel a migraine coming on,” or “I’m taking final vows on Thursday.” They’ll get the message. Just don’t say, “I’ll call” or “Maybe we can do this again” if you have no desire to do either.

Don’t say you’ll call, fax, e-mail, beep. It’s not nice to be dishonest about what you intend to do.
Don’t have sex. The reason is pretty obvious, right?

Ending so-so date

2009-06-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you’re not sure how you feel until the excitement dies down and real-life takes over and you regain your perspective. That’s perfectly fine. Just ’fess up. Tell your date you had a good time, your head is spinning, and you need a little time to sort out your feelings. It may sound a tad insensitive, but it’s much better than the “Hey, baby, I’ll call you” line if you’re really not sure you will.
If your date says to you he or she needs a few days to digest it all, smile sweetly, say “Great” and go home. Not go phone. Simply go home and live your life. Remember, a watched phone never rings.
So if you’re not sure about the date:

Wait for follow-up — but live your life: Don’t spend all your time waiting next to the phone.
Give yourself a week or so to ponder: Upon reflection, the scales usually tip one way or the other.
Don’t have sex: If you’re not sure how you feel about the date, you are definitely not ready to have sex.

Ending successful date

2009-06-23T08:04:00.001-07:00

If your date is going well, mention date number two before date number one is over. You don’t have to fish out your PDA or whip out a cell phone to check with your secretary or your mom or your boss, but the subject can be broached. This is important: Be honest (don’t say you’ll call just to be nice).
When the date ends, do any — or all — of the following:

Make out: You know, share soulful kisses and tender caresses — but don’t have sex.
Follow up: Call, e-mail, fax, beep.

Ending the Date Gracefully

2009-06-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

At first glance, it would seem easy to know when a date is over. The empty dishes have been cleared off your table, the check is paid, the theater lights are up, or the sun has risen. There are definitely markers. But a date is an emotional event. What’s an empty restaurant and five glaring waiters when this could be true love? Plus, if things are going well, you’re also battling your biology.
When you’re in the throes of infatuation, a chemical in your brain called phenylethylamine (PEA) causes those tingly feelings of euphoria. Other neurochemicals, namely norepinephrine and dopamine, may also play a part in your “lover’s high.” These natural “uppers” are what cause lovers to stay awake all night gazing into each other’s eyes or talking into the wee hours of the morning. Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, this chemically induced elation fades. Your brain can’t stay in a revved-up state forever! Pacing yourself may seem like a waste of time if you and your date have clicked from the start. But in the long run, it’s always better to leave them wanting more than feeling like it was just this side of too much. Assuming your date has gone well, you want the end of your first date to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, not the grand finale of one memorable night.

Picking Up the Check

2009-05-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

The moment has arrived. You dab the corners of your mouth with a napkin as the waiter strategically positions the check halfway between you and your date. Now what? You asked, you pay.
I know I’m going to catch a little heat, but my rule for the first date, at least, is the asker (male or female) forks over the dough. After that, you can negotiate other arrangements. Or you can let the check sit there and stew.
What paying means:

You’re investing in this relationship . . . no matter how briefly.
You’re not cheap . . . on any level.
You’ve got class and style and a little jingle in your pocket. Everyone loves all three.

What paying doesn’t mean:

You’ve just bought sex, too.
You’ve bought yourself another date.
Your date now owes you.

Lighten up

2009-05-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

No matter what happens, the biggest thing to bear in mind is this: It’s a date —just a date. Not brain surgery or the cure for cancer or the Bill of Rights or Macbeth. It’s not serious drama with dire consequences. It’s a date. So while you’re in the midst of it all, why not lighten up? The punsters weren’t kidding when they said, “Laughter is the best medicine.” Several studies have found that jovial belly laughs not only improve circulation and work muscles all over the body, but they relieve stress much in the same way aerobic exercise does. Even in our darkest moments, laughter can instantly make things seem, and feel, much better. Though I don’t recommend tossing one-liners non-stop, looking on the bright side of a dim moment can mean the difference between a disaster date and one that’s the beginning of a great relationship.

Big date do’s and don’ts

2009-05-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

It’s prom night, your sister’s wedding, your 30th birthday, New Year’s Eve, a retirement party at the firm . . . whatever. When it comes to a BIG date, as in not-just-any-old-Saturday-night date, these guidelines help you have a great time:

DO plan ahead. Big dates are almost always dates you know are coming weeks in advance. Arrange your date as soon as possible so he or she can mark a calendar, rent a tux, buy a great present, etc.
DON’T make a first date a big date. It’s too risky and too loaded.
DO ask someone with whom you’re really comfortable. Big dates tend to be longer than your average date and often include family members. The last thing you want is a high-maintenance date.
DON’T make your big date such a big deal that your companion feels like it’s a pre-marital date, too. It’s okay to go out on a big date with Mr. or Ms. Kinda Right or Right Now.
DO substitute a platonic date when a great date isn’t in the cards. It’s better to have a fun time with a friend (or alone!) than have a miserable time with a date who doesn’t work out.

Surviving dating’s most embarrassing moments

2009-04-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends remembers her first big high school dance as bittersweet. It was a formal affair (as they were in those days), the guy she’d had a crush on all year had asked her to go, and her dress was to-die-for. That’s the sweet part. Her bitter pill was waking up the morning of the dance to find a giant pimple perched on the tip of her nose like Mount St. Helens. The more she fussed with it all day, the worse it got. That evening, as the doorbell rang, my friend was squirreled away in the bathroom frantically powdering the tip of her nose — which by now rivaled Bozo the Clown’s. A bona fide disaster. She left for the dance with one white-gloved hand hovering over the front of her face. Perhaps, she consoled herself, her date wouldn’t notice. He did. After all, her uncomfortable behavior was as plain as the nose on her face.
“So you’ve got a pimple on the end of your nose!” her date finally exclaimed. Apparently, he was tired of gazing into a glove. “Is it the end of the world?” Of course, the answer was “no” (it only felt like it), and the lesson was learned. From that moment on, she heaved a huge sigh of relief, held her date’s hand, and had a great time. Which is what you can do, too, as soon as you master the perfect remedy for the following dating disasters. The first rule: No matter what the problem, ’fess up immediately. Your date will sense something is wrong and think the problem’s her or him. And remember, no matter how bad it gets, really, is it the end of the world? If you’re old enough to date, you’re old enough to understand menstrual cycles and periods and accidents. Should your date experience such an unfortunate mishap, it’s up to you to help diffuse her mortification. Don’t make light of it (believe me — she won’t think it’s funny), but don’t use this opportunity to “bond” with her by confessing your horror, either. Try what’s been known to work well before — tell her you’re sorry it happened, then lovingly add, “Hey, it’s not the end of the world.”

Big date do’s and don’ts

2009-04-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

DO plan ahead. Big dates are almost always dates you know are coming weeks in advance. Arrange your date as soon as possible so he or she can mark a calendar, rent a tux, buy a great present, etc.
DON’T make a first date a big date. It’s too risky and too loaded.
DO ask someone with whom you’re really comfortable. Big dates tend to be longer than your average date and often include family members. The last thing you want is a high-maintenance date.
DON’T make your big date such a big deal that your companion feels like it’s a pre-marital date, too. It’s okay to go out on a big date with Mr. or Ms. Kinda Right or Right Now.
DO substitute a platonic date when a great date isn’t in the cards. It’s better to have a fun time with a friend (or alone!) than have a miserable time with a date who doesn’t work out

Possible Dating Spots

2009-04-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

Concerts
A concert lets you relate to each other while the music plays, or in the midst of a break. So relate already: Bob back and forth together with the beat, scream in each other’s ears to be heard over the noise, and, when your ears are ringing afterward and you can’t hear anything anyway, just smile dopily at one another. Besides, if you aren’t having a good time, you can leave a concert mid-stream without wondering all night if you missed the really good part. Simply buy the CD.

Sporting events
It’s often much more fun attending a live sporting event than watching it on TV. Even if you’re not into football, you can get into nachos and peanuts. It’s outdoors (usually) and in daylight, and you can even paint your face the color of your favorite team.

Special events
If you have two tickets to a Beatles reunion tour, you’ve got a great first date on your hands. Once-in-a-lifetime events are your basic date shoe-in. If Paul and Ringo do decide to go on tour, I’m available. (I once turned down a cruise for two on the QE2 because I had Rolling Stones tickets.)

Great dating in movies or plays

2009-03-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

This dating venue is a double-edged sword. On one side, you’re creating a “shared experience.” Good for bonding. One of the stepping stones of intimacy. On the other side, most of your date will be spent in the dark staring not at each other. Not the ideal way to get to know somebody. To make the most of a movie or play, be open to discussing it afterward. You can talk about the plot, the casting decisions, the money it cost to make it, other movies you’ve seen that you like better, childhood memories this movie evokes —anything. If it was horrible, you can talk — and laugh — about that as well. I know I already mentioned this in Chapter 10, but it’s worth checking to make sure that your date approves your choice. Surprises will be more effective once you are more certain of each other’s tastes!

Great Dating in Restaurants

2009-03-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

Food is part of a time-honored traditional date activity, so figuring out how you can make eating out a delicious experience is time well-spent since eating “in” is for later on — after you get to know each other.
Order food you eat with a fork
Forget about sandwiches (unless that’s all there is — in that case, the fewer ingredients, the better). Food you lift with your hands can easily fall from your hands. High-rise sandwiches are notorious for collapsing on the way up to your mouth. Stringy pizza cheese dangles from your lips like you just swallowed twine, sushi is rarely served in petite bite-sized portions, and tacos spill.
Don’t drink
I know, I’m going to lose a lot of you here — if you’re nervous you might be trying to relax yourself. But Miller Time can become mildew time before you know it. Be very careful about alcohol. If you’ve ever had a problem with alcohol, fuhgettaboutit — don’t drink. I can already hear you muttering, “Hey, a drink or two will relax me. I can handle it,” but it’s you that I’m talking to here. Moderation when you’re nervous is difficult to achieve, so err on the side of caution here and believe that alcohol on a first date is dangerous for several reasons:

Nerves magnify the effects of alcohol. You get drunk faster.
Alcohol has been proven to dismantle your appetite control. While one of you is ready for the check, the drinker is ready for a second round of desserts.
Too much alcohol creates a sort of “tunnel vision.” You can’t see or fully
comprehend anything that’s not right in front of your face. That’s why it’s so dangerous to drive, handle heavy wallets, or — heaven forbid — open up your body and soul.
The risk of drinking and driving is huge when you’ve been drinking . . . and nonexistent when you haven’t.
Alcohol is the solvent of the superego. Suddenly, you’re saying, doing, and feeling things you’d never say, do, or feel if you were sober.
All your guards are down when you’re tipsy, including your sexual judgments. The chances that you’ll say “yes” when you really mean “no” or hear “yes” when you’re told “no” are much greater.

Eat!
Okay — so I’ve put alcohol off-limits, but it’s okay to indulge in dessert calories. Most men are much more comfortable with women who eat reasonably rather than the “Oh, I’ll just have a small salad with the dressing on the side” syndrome. (Surveys show that women put much more pressure on themselves to have a “perfect” body than men ever put on them.) It’s okay to share a dessert. First of all, you’ll find out if he works and plays well with others. Secondly, it sends a loud and clear message that you’re not anorexic or obsessed with your weight. Watching your waistline is one thing, entering a convent is another. Eating is a sensual, pleasurable experience that’s meant to be savored. I’m not saying you should throw calories to the wind and use date night as an excuse to imitate Miss Piggy, but enjoying yourself means letting go enough to enjoy your date, the conversation, the location, the colors, the smells, the sights, the sounds, and the meal — the whole enchilada or creme brulée.

Tip well
I’m talking 20 percent. At least. Generosity is attractive. Trust me, the miser never gets the girl. He may keep a few extra dollars, but a person who is tight with money is unlikely to be generous with time or self.

Mind your manners
Good manners count. Make no mistake about it. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than seeing food churning round and round inside your date’s open mouth. Ugh. Or being rude to waiters, talking too loudly, picking up peas with a knife and sliding them down your throat. Think Jane Austen or Masterpiece Theater or that guy who pulls up in his Rolls and asks, “I say, have you any Grey Poupon?” You want to be prim and very proper. At the very least, do these things:

Chew with your mouth closed.
Be polite to the waiters.
Talk softly.
Use your napkin.

Listening Attentively and Effectively

2009-03-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

Trust me on this — I make my living listening to others — your date will tell you everything you need to know about him or her in the first 15 minutes. Not 50. 15. Train yourself really to hear what your date’s saying (and believe it). Of course, therein lies the rub: While love may be blind, dating is almost always deaf.
My friend Elaine “bought” a date with a soap star at a charity auction. She could scarcely afford her winning $250 bid, but she had such a crush on the guy she was willing to brown bag it for the half year it would take to make up the deficit. They met at a trendy New York restaurant. He looked incredible. She was flushed with the thrill of it all. Their first minute of conversation, as she later relayed it to me, went a little something like this:

HE (laughing): I can’t believe you paid so much for me. I’m not worth it.
SHE (also laughing): It went to a good cause — me.
HE: I’m really not into the dating scene. I barely have time to learn my lines and go to bed.
SHE: Thank you for squeezing me into your busy schedule.
HE: I barely made it. I’m leaving for L.A. tomorrow.
SHE: Business?
HE: Hopefully. I’m up for a series.
SHE: Good luck. I hope you get it.

Of course, she was lying, and he was telling the honest-to-goodness truth. Elaine thought their date went smashingly well and was devastated when he didn’t call her again — which she could have known he wouldn’t do if she’d listened with open ears instead of a too-wide-open heart. He’d told her flatout he wasn’t worth it, didn’t date, and was going to move 3,000 miles away. And he’d said it all in the first 30 seconds of their evening together. Learning how to listen is not easy, but it is simple. You have to train yourself to focus on the present moment only — not on your witty comeback, the followup question, the stupid thing you can’t believe you just said, the parsley you can feel lodged in between your teeth. You have to be in the now. Period.
If you want to be a good listener, you have to

Train yourself to stay with the talker, word for word, until he or she is finished. Simple concept, but really difficult to practice.
Suspend judgment and open your heart and head, as well as your ears. Listen to what the person is actually saying — not what you want to hear; it’s crucial not only to dating but to all human interactions.

Mirroring

2009-02-25T20:04:00.001-08:00

You know that great feeling when you and another person are totally in sync? You laugh at the same jokes, love the same food, both thought The English Patient was way too long? Similarity is the essence of connection, and connection is the essence of trust, and trust is the foundation for true love.
You’re mirroring each other if you’re

Duplicating your date’s body language. Are you both leaning forward at the same time, each sitting with legs crossed?
Adopting the same speaking rhythm. Are you both talking softly, going back and forth conversationally, sharing the same pacing?
Echoing style or energy level. Are you both mellow or energized, calm or hyped? Subtlety is the essence of good mirroring.

You don’t want to get caught mimicking your date. The trick is to have your date feel connected, not pick up on a monkey-see, monkey-do act. You’ll naturally either fall into — or out of — a sort of relationship sync, which you can’t fake for long. Rather than direct yourself to do it, see whether mirroring just occurs normally.

Negative body language signs

2009-02-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

Your date may not be finger-drumming the tabletop, but displaying any of the following signals can be a warning:

Frequent nodding: The Yin and Yang of body language, a little nodding is a good sign; continuous head-bobbing means you’ve lost the connection.
Open mouth: If your date always seems to be trying to break in, you may be too long-winded and have lost your partner’s interest.
Hands on mouth: This is a censoring mechanism, literally stopping the words as they come out of the mouth — not a good sign.
Arms crossed: Any type of closed-up body posture indicates a barrier between the two of you (unless the room is cold — look for goose bumps).
Arms behind the head: On a first date, this is a classic sign of dominance . . . or the attempt to gain it.
Yawning: You guessed it — bored to tears. We’ve all been learning to interpret nonverbal cues since the first time our mothers cradled us; survival depended on spotting Dad’s mood or Grandma’s pride or our sister’s sulking.

Studies have shown that kids who can easily read subtle facial cues survive the perils of grammar school far better than their more obtuse peers. If you suspect that your date is annoyed or bored or impatient, it’s okay to test the waters. See whether changing the subject works or even, egad, say, “I seem to have turned you off.” Then ask, “Was it something I said?” You’ll score points for sensitivity. But ask only once. No nagging! Okay, now that you know all this stuff, should you become Sherlock Holmes or just enjoy your date? Elementary, my dear. Relax and enjoy. However, if you want a way to check out your own unconscious reactions, you don’t need to study a videotape to see if you’re mirroring.

Positive body language signs

2009-02-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

If your date is using a lot of the following signals, you can take it as a good sign that he or she is interested and having a good time. Congratulations!

Good eye contact: Gazing (not staring) into someone’s eyes is a good sign.
Leaning forward: Making the space between you two smaller and cozier signals that interest is on the way up and walls are on the way down.
Relaxed posture: Sitting or standing comfortably and breathing smoothly indicates that your date is open and non-defensive.
Palms up: Open hands indicate a warm and receptive heart.
Touching: If the touching is warm rather than suggestive, you’re making contact.
Nodding: If your date nods periodically as you speak, you’re on the same wavelength.
Mirroring: Unconsciously reflecting each other’s behavior — leaning forward at the same time, breathing in sync, crossing the same leg over the other at the same time, speaking in the same tone — says that you’re attuned to one another.
Synchronization: Simultaneous breathing, blinking, and shifting in your seat means you’re in sync.

Flutter those lashes, girl

2009-01-28T02:14:00.000-08:00

A German scientist, Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, once studied women’s flirting behavior and
found that nearly all women make the same facial movements when they flirt, in the exact same order. They

Smile.
Lift their eyebrows in a fast, jerky motion.
Open their eyes wide (a sign of sympathetic system arousal, which means that the “Hey, pay attention!” part of our nervous system has kicked into gear).
Lower their eyelids.
Tilt their heads down and to the side (a universal sign of submission in the animal kingdom).
Look away.

Sound like anyone you know? These flirting gestures are so universal that Eibl-Eibesfeldt believes they’re innate sexual signals evolved from the beginning of human history.

Interpreting Body Language

2009-01-28T02:00:00.000-08:00

Your body speaks louder than words. So does your date’s. How many dates will tell you flat out that they’re having a rotten time? Few, if any. Yet how many will catch periodic glimpses of their watch? Hopefully, not many. In the mating game, women use their heads, and men use their chests. Literally. Women toss their hair or sweep their heads back as a sign of attraction; men simply puff out their chests. It’s a throwback to our primitive pasts when big, burly Cro-Magnon men and savvy Cro-Magnon women were the kings and queens of the veldt. Now, in our modern jungle, the signs are still there. You just have to know what to look for.
If you spend all your time looking at nonverbal cues, you’re not going to be focusing on what your date is saying and you’re not going to be doing your part about spontaneously responding. So chill out here and don’t spend more than a millisecond of your precious time together “studying” your date. If you do, you’ll both be miserable.
Reading body language is far from an exact science. It’s one part observation, two parts interpretation. People cross their arms when they’re cold as well as closed off. Look for consistent groups of gestures or a suddenly inconsistent movement. Look for patterns, but don’t get hung up here. Focus on what you’re saying verbally to one another and look to nonverbal clues only when in doubt.

Flirting Fun

2009-01-28T01:40:00.000-08:00

Remind yourself that you’re here to have fun, and your jaw unclenches, your shoulders drop down, your eyes sparkle, your breathing slows, and you’re ready to flirt.
Flirting is a delicious, low-budget, irresistible, safe-sex sort of way to make you and your date feel tingly all over. The essence of flirting is interest. No one ever flirts with anyone they don’t want to know a little bit better. That’s why flirting on a first date can be so alluring. You’re showing your date you didn’t make a mistake. You’re interested and ready to go. What could be sexier that that? (Okay, I know, but not yet.)
Here’s a quick list of what to do (and not do) when flirting with your date:

Use your whole body. Talking the talk without walking the walk is utterly ineffective. Don’t believe it? Try telling a woman she’s beautiful or a guy he’s hunky and then shift your eyes away, and see if you’re believed. Flirty body language begins with the eyes and works its way all the way down to the tips of your footsies. Lean forward, make eye contact, smile, bend your knees a bit, and untense your hands and arms. Remember to relax a bit; this should be fun, not like defusing a bomb.
Make eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is very compelling. It makes a person feel like they’ve got your undivided attention, which they should.
Smile, don’t smirk. There’s a reason why synonyms for smirk include sneer, leer, and grimace: Smirking is an unattractive and unpleasant expression. Avoid it. Smile openly and sincerely — it’s irresistible.
Pay attention. No looking like you’re trying to remember if you fed the cat.
Lighten up; don’t bulldoze. Telling your date he or she is incredibly hot isn’t flirting; it’s steering your dating experience directly into a mountain.
Focus on your partner, not yourself. Without slipping into a Barbara Walters–type litany of prefabricated questions — such as “Whom do you most admire?” or “If you were a farm animal, what kind would you be?” —make your date feel as though every word is a pearl of wisdom.
Don’t think you can’t do it. Anyone can flirt . . . even if only a little. Flirting is a sign of confidence, and even if you’re feeling a teensy bit shaky, give it a try. Practice makes perfect and flirty. You don’t have to be smooth — just sincere.
Enjoy yourself. Fun is the flirter’s playground. Once you’re having fun, getting others to play is easy.

Religion Topics in Dating

2009-01-12T20:04:00.000-08:00

If the word “Christmas” or “Hanukkah” slips out while you’re relaying a funny family story, so be it. If the Bible or the Torah or a Jehovah’s Witness brochure slips out while you reach for your wallet, that’s a bit over-the-top. Religion and your relationship (or non-relationship) with whomever you may or may not believe in is your own business — at least for now. You don’t want to put your date on the spot. If your date puts you on the spot by asking, say, whether you believe in God, simply change the subject by asking her whether she believes O. J. was guilty.

Politics Topic in Dating

2009-01-12T20:01:00.000-08:00

Current events are good conversational fodder. But your position on the death penalty? Abortion? Welfare reform? The president? National health insurance? The Teamsters? Gun control? A bit risky. The potential payoff isn’t worth the risk. If your date shares your political views, is he being truthful or just agreeable? Do you really want a full-scale argument on your first date?
If you show up in a red tie, navy blue blazer, button-down white shirt, khaki pants, and brown penny loafers (or wearing suspenders, a belt, and a bow tie), she’s going to assume that you’re a Republican no matter what you say.
Political hot potatoes to avoid at all costs:
_ Police brutality
_ Immigration
_ National health insurance
_ Women in the military
_ Any current war or conflict
_ September 11 (Geographic location may come into play here.)
_ The designated hitter rule
_ Spanking
_ Body piercing
_ And, of course, Elvis

Talking About Your Exes

2009-01-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

If you’re not over your ex enough to avoid mentioning him or her on a first date, you’re not ready to date. Even if you were married to Jack or Jackie the Ripper, or dated Jack or Jackie Kennedy, let past relationships come up naturally another time. Talking about a former lover dredges up a c word even more feared than commitment: comparison. Who wants to start off a relationship wondering if you measure up? Or worse, whether you’ll ever be able to erase the sins of another? Besides, on a first date, three is always a crowd.

Sex Topics in Dating

2009-01-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

Even if sex is the first thing on your mind, let it be the last thing on your lips. This covers past, present, and future sexual encounters (both real and virtual). Ditto your sex drive, appetite, and online liaisons. Talking about sex before you know someone fairly well is not only threatening, but it’s also confusing. “What did he mean by that?” “Is she coming on to me?” The last thing you want on a first date is ambiguity. You’re trying to build trust here, not test it. Even animals know there’s a ritual involved before mating. Don’t try to short circuit eons of evolution on a first date. (Which is not to say that your date has to seem like opening day at Celibates Anonymous?

Safe Subjects in Dating

2009-01-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

Words can knit a warm blanket or cause an explosion. Your directive here is to create a conversational comfort zone by having a group of icebreakers ready. These tidbits are designed to put both you and your date at ease:

Weather: I know, this is so trite it’s almost a national joke. However, comments about the weather have more to do with presentation than subject matter. The old chestnut, “Nice weather we’re having,” is a waste. But confiding that the sky was so clear and beautiful you spent your lunch hour barefoot in the park is another story entirely. (Besides, that data gives you a great chance to talk about a great old Neil Simon movie, Barefoot in the Park, starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford —and right there you’ve taken your budding relationship to another level.)
Location: Where you are right now is a great subject for conversation. Commenting on the colors, smells, sounds, and tastes in a positive way (no griping allowed) allows you to share the experience.
Friends in common: Beware of gossip, but establishing links is a very good idea.
News events: Be up-to-date; read the paper, a news magazine, People, whatever.
Popular culture: Talk about plays, movies, concerts, rock stars, and so on.

Small talk in Dating

2008-12-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

Small talk has gotten a bum rap (excuse the pun). Mistakenly linked with airheadedness, the assumption is that those who engage in small talk only chitchat about life’s piddling moments without a concern for the deeper, burning issues underneath. Poppycock.
Small talk is a necessary and important part of our social fabric. It’s a way to adjust to one another, get comfortable, and find your conversational seat. Without small talk, we’d all be walking up to acquaintances and saying, “Hi. How would you create peace in the Middle East?” or “Nice to see you. My father is an alcoholic.”
Getting good at small talk, or at least comfortable with it in small doses, will hold you in good stead not only on a date, but in life as well. Small talk is just a means of chatting easily and comfortably about day-to-day issues without rancor or intensity. Big talk is about politics, religion, family, gun control, abortion, and whether chocolate should be a controlled substance.

Opening gambits

2008-12-29T17:04:00.001-08:00

Because everybody’s most nervous at the beginning — once you get past “hi” — an opening line can give you some confidence. There is a universal opening line that’s guaranteed not to fail: Tell your date she or he looks fabulous (beautiful, handsome, delicious, ravishing, divine . . . you choose the adjective). The more specific, the better — but stay away from body parts between the neck and the ankles. Such a compliment as an opening line immediately puts both of you at ease: Your date knows the preparation wasn’t in vain, and you fly past the first hurdle with several inches to spare. Plus, there’s a bonus: Your date will probably return the compliment, and you’ll both feel your confidence surge.
Of course, a great opening line is only the beginning of an entire date full of conversation. After all, you can’t keep telling your date that he or she looks fabulous (stop after 20 or 30 reps). Eventually, you’ll have to actually talk to one another. That doesn’t mean you have to initiate a discussion of nuclear physics or the meaning of life as we know it. Start small with small talk, discussed in the cleverly named “Small talk” section later in this chapter. The last thing you want to do in the first five minutes is let your date see you cower. Gobs of nerves are contagious, and so is serenity. This isn’t the final round of the National Cool Talk Competition. Relax. Take deep breaths and say what’s on your mind, unless it’s one of the following:

How are you? The question is trite (“Fine, thank you. How are you?”) or too personal, depending on the response, especially on a date when a truthful response probably sounds like, “I’m feeling a bit nervous, slightly sweaty, a tiny bit nauseous, excited, filled with anticipation, and hoping we end up really liking one another.” Yikes! Even a clever response (like “I’ve never been better” or “I worked out today, and I’m on an endorphin high” or “I’m looking forward to our wonderful evening tonight” or “I’m starved and raring to go”) is kinda cute but a waste of time.
Why are you late? If there was a ten-car pileup, it will be the first thing mentioned. If your date overslept, he or she may or may not tell you. I know you were kept waiting, worrying, and wondering if you’d written down the wrong date, and I know that’s not okay, but the first five minutes of a date is a tough time to begin sounding like an angry parent. Make a decision. If your date’s too late for you to forgive and forget, cancel the date and explain why. If the tardiness is slightly irksome but you’re willing to overlook it, let it go. I mean really let it go. Don’t bring it up. Not now, anyway. (When you make the next date, explain that you’re a bit compulsive about being on time.)
How do I look? When you’re nervous, it’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on yourself and your insecurities. Don’t go there. The quickest way to ease date-stress is to get out of your head and into the moment. Assume you look fab and try to relax yourself and your date. No fishing for compliments.
Mind if I smoke? Believe it — most people do mind. Unless you met in a cigar bar, this question is far too risky to even attempt. I know, you smokers out there are thinking that one puny puff would sure take the edge off the first moments of a date. You may want to light up so much your fingers are twitching. But there are two reasons to give your addiction a rest right now: First, smoking is like taking out a billboard ad announcing you’re nervous. Guys on their way to the guillotine were offered a final cigarette! Do you want your date to feel as though you’ve been sentenced to death? Second, cigarette smoking inspires passionate feelings on both sides of the issue (I know lots of folks who wouldn’t go out even once with a smoker). The first five minutes of a date are time for vanilla ice cream, Wonder Bread, and sensible shoes. In short, don’t even go close to controversy.

No matter what your question is, make sure you don’t make the same mistake one famous interviewer often makes: You get so involved in the elaborate question that you pay no attention to the answer. Also, make sure your date can’t answer your questions by a simple yes or no; otherwise, you’ll feel like you’re in a batting cage with an automatic pitching machine. In times of stress, we tend to regress to childhood behaviors that might have calmed us or felt safe. Many women slip and fall into a sort of “mothering mode” when they feel anxiety tighten their chests. Questions like “Do you need a sweater?” “Do you have the directions?” and “Are you sure we have enough time to make it?” just make your date feel like an inadequate little boy. Even if he freezes his buns off or doesn’t have the directions or botches the reservation, keep quiet and let him work his way out of the mess he made. Remember: You’re not his mom; you’re his date. Okay, so you know what not to ask. But what are some good opening gambits?
These are:

What did you do today? (The focus on the other person shows interest, and presumably everyone did something.)
What book (movie, TV show, and so on) is your favorite?
Are you a cat person or a dog person?

The point here is that you’re gathering the building blocks of a conversational bridge, a way of getting from no knowledge to important stuff. You can’t go from “Hi, my name is Fred” to “What do you want in life?” Talking about weather, books, friends you have in common, and so on is a way to lay the foundation across the chasm that separates strangers so that they can meet in the middle or comfortably go back and forth.

How to do Proper Visualization?

2008-12-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

The mind is an incredibly powerful tool for turning stress on and off. To turn stress off, you want to create a safe place in your head where you can always retreat when the going gets tough. The best way to do that is through visualization. With your eyes still comfortably closed, take another deep breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, and then do the following:

Think of a place you’ve been that makes you feel happy and comfortable. You may think of the seashore, a forest, or your childhood bedroom —wherever you remember feeling totally content. “See” that place in your mind’s eye. Smell the smells. See the colors. Hear the sounds. Be there. See yourself in that blissful environment.
Think about a special person in your life: someone you love unconditionally, someone who cherishes you. See the person slowly walk toward you as you stand in your joyous place. Feel suffused with comfort and well-being and happiness. Feel delighted to see this person and feel how delighted the person is to see you. Let the person’s love wash over you as he gets closer and closer. Finally, when the person is right next to you, look in the person’s eyes. Don’t say anything, just look in their eyes. Everything you need to know and say to one another is said in your eyes.
See a pinpoint of pure, bright, warm light. Watch it expand until it fills the entire space. Feel its warmth. You and your special person are bathed in the glow of that special light. You have no cares, no worries. You feel comfortable and warm and loved and accepted. Experience what it feels like to be surrounded by that light.
It’s time for your special person to go, but you don’t feel any sadness. Feel the love remain as the person leaves.
It’s time for the light to recede, but you feel no loss or sadness. Instead, you still feel the warmth and well-being the light gave you.
It’s time to leave your wonderful place. But you’re really not leaving for good; you’re taking it with you. Now and forever, this spot, this feeling, will be available to you whenever you want to go there. It’s you. In you. Always.
With your eyes still closed, slowly become aware of your surroundings. Feel the chair, hear your heart beating. Feel happy, warm, accepted, content.
Slowly open your eyes. Sit for a moment. Know that the calm you feel now can be the calm you feel throughout your entire date . . . if you let it happen.

Types of Yoga

2008-12-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

You can find many varieties of Yoga, an ancient discipline that was practiced in both India and China. Its migration to the New World, specifically the United States, has resulted into a transmogrification of a regular buffet of possibilities.
Depending on your personality, strength, body type, and commitment there are a myriad possibilities. Make sure that you opt for one that will reduce not increase your stress level by making you competitive or nervous. The term ‘Yoga’ can include tapes, studios, practices, gear, mats, wardrobe, props, and Christy Turlington. In alphabetical order, here’s a list of options:

Anusara Yoga: An aerobic Yoga that stresses alignment while increasing the heart rate. It’s a lot faster paced than traditional Yoga, but less of a cardiovascular workout than a step or high-impact class. Purists hate it, but if you’re looking to work up a bit more of a sweat, give Anusara a try.
Ashtanga Yoga: A more fundamental Yoga that utilizes a sequence of postures involving synchronized breathing, so you basically have one breath to do any particular movement. If you’ve done Yoga before and you’re looking for a challenge, this may be your particular cup of tea.
Bikrum Yoga: Done in a very hot room; popular because you can lose a lot of weight due to excessive sweating and become light headed due to dehydration, which can be mistaken as altered consciousness. Many folks swear by it, but it seems to me overly taxing, and weight loss due to sweat is offset at the drinking fountain.
Hatha Yoga: Considered classic or basic Yoga, this is for those who are looking for inner peace rather than panting, sweating, and weight loss. You hold postures for a long time, and the emphasis is on deep breathing. Beginners get a taste of basics here.
Iyengar Yoga: Emphasizes procession and purity of form. (To be quite honest, this is my favorite because it really does focus on holding a posture for a long period of time and doing it absolutely correctly.)
Jibamukti Yoga: Combines physical practice with foundations in spiritual teaching. Jibamukti means “liberation from limitation.”
Kundalini Yoga: A style of yoga that specifically focuses on energy flow and is recommended for relieving emotional stress and awakening psycho energetic power by those who swear by it. Sting has made this famous by incorporating it with tantric sex positions — tee hee.
Vinyasa Yoga: Moves from one posture to another and tends to be a bit more vigorous. Vinyasa is the name for a Yoga posture.

Progressive relaxation

2008-12-29T05:35:00.000-08:00

You can banish stress from your system in several ways, including exercise, meditation, Tai Chi, Pilates, and Yoga. But one of the quickest and most effective ways is a technique called progressive relaxation. It focuses on each muscle group, from your toes to your head, and releases tension. I walk you through the process, step by step. Still seated in your comfortable chair, with your eyes gently closed, start with the tips of your toes. Repeat each muscle group sequence twice.

Make a fist of your toes. Squeeze. Hold. Release slowly. Repeat.
Roll each foot slowly, all the way around from the ankle, clockwise.Then roll each foot slowly counterclockwise. Point your toes, then flex them. Repeat.
Tense and relax your thighs. Repeat.
Make a fist of your buns. Hold tight. Relax. Don’t forget to inhale deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Repeat.
Tighten your stomach muscles. Relax. Repeat.
Lift your shoulders up to your ears as high as you can. Now, a bit higher. Slowly lower both shoulders as far as you can, pushing them down gently, using only your shoulder muscles. Repeat.
Make a fist with your hands. Clench your biceps. Slowly extend your arms out. Relax. Repeat.
With arms extended at shoulder length, flex your hands, palms facing the far wall, fingers reaching straight up to the ceiling. Press out. Relax. Repeat.
Turn your head all the way to the left and then all the way to the right. Be sure to keep your shoulders pressed down. Repeat.
Scrunch your face up into a ball. Slowly relax it. Repeat.
With your eyes still closed, slowly rotate your eyeballs clockwise. Then counterclockwise. Repeat.

Your whole body should feel very heavy. That’s good. Now, before you open your eyes, you need to do one final thing: Visualize.

Heavy breathing

2008-12-13T03:21:00.000-08:00

Breath is, quite literally, the essence of life. Deep breathing is the essence of relaxation. Breathing is the cornerstone of almost all meditation. It’s chi in Eastern philosophy. Energy. Life force. If you watch a pitcher on the mound, a gymnast before she leaps onto the balance beam, or a professional bowler as he stands, ball in both hands, staring down the pins, they all do the same thing: take a deep breath and blow it out. Which is what I want you to do right now. On the day of your date, before you get dressed, block out ten minutes for your peace of mind. Turn the answering machine on and the volume down. There’s nothing that can’t wait ten minutes — even if it turns out your date was lost and calling from a gas station — especially if it’s your mom calling to tell you she wants (or doesn’t want) grandchildren. They can call you back.
For now, here’s what to do:

Pick a quiet room that isn’t too dark, too light, too hot, or too cold.
Select a comfortable chair, one that supports your back, arms, and legs.
Make sure your clothes are comfortable. Take off your shoes. Wiggle your toes. Remove your belt. Loosen your collar.
Sit down and let your eyes fall closed.
If random thoughts enter your consciousness, allow them to gently float away like a fluffy cloud.
Tune in to your body. Listen to your heart pumping, your breath inflating and deflating your lungs, and the blood pulsing in your ears.
Feel very heavy in the chair.
Breathe deeply in through your nose for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four out through your mouth. Then hold for two counts of four.
Begin again. Repeat four times. Now, you’re ready to move on to a deeper phase of relaxation.